A Merry Christmas my dear, as we pull our crackers and sip our Mulled wine were all thinking of you. So I thought that I'd include this Photo of Cutting Sprout at Christmas. I'll be back once the Christmas mayhem subdues itself to tell you how we got on this year but for now I think we may have carolers at the so toddle pip.... Ding Dong verily the sky is riven with angels singing......Glooooria

somewhere over the rainbow....

Feeling full of the spirit of Christmas this week Moony and I decided that our rather unusual family deserved a little treat before it all became a little bit too hectic round at our charming little abode. So it seemed heaven sent when I spotted an advertisement for a screening of "The Wizard of Oz" at Cutting Sprouts' very lovely little cinema, The Cutting Empire. I rang at once and had a lovely little chat with Miss Robins who works at the ticket office. She and I went to school together and what lovely anecdotes we have to share, about the old days and local gossip of course..... Anyway this particular film has always been one of my little Bramwell's Favourite films (I remember when we first took him to see it, he carried around that little toy dog for days), I was sure too that we could easily take along Neff and Arknatun, maybe even Henny and Charlie? I'm not sure why I was quite so optimistic, I really can't imagine what I must have been thinking. Taking Neff out is always a nightmare as you might be able to imagine. My that woman can complain, "It was never like this when I was Queen of Egypt", "I'll have you know young man that I am a Goddess!". Ohhh well I had every hope in the world that it would all go well, and so bright and early on Saturday morning I warmed up the car, locked Bunny in the basement (its for the best and it saves the sofa cushions) and propped Moony on the backseat in as merry a Christmas posture as possible under the circumstances (i.e she was asleep). At least Bramwell was happy to see me, dressed in a fetching blue gingham suit he had made himself. But when we got to Neff, ohh my I was in for a struggle, admittedly she was sitting on a deckchair on the lawn with her handbag next to the topiary version of herself. But her face was foul (well fouler than usual) and she was still wearing her fluffy pink marabou slippers. She got up with a martyred air and flung open the back seat door. She got in with a groan and announced rather harshly "I've seen it, it's a dreadful film." I saw Bramwells eyes narrow and decide that now was the time for us all to enjoy a little Christmas singalong, I burst into a round of "Jingle Bells" and everyone but Neff joined in. Even darling Moony, though she was rather out of tune as a result of all the gin she likes to imbibe. But Neff just sat there, looking out of the window with that awful superior air, so we thought we had better go and get Moonys darling father. He and Neff separated, Ark as he likes to be called is just as mad as his charming lady wife, but he likes a spot of gardening and we all adore him. He was the one she looked to when she wanted a topiary garden of her. We found him in his kitchen whipping up a batch of his own popcorn (he is awfully strange like that). In the fridge was enough homemade confectionery to see us all the way through the film. Neff snorted with derision and muttered "Hummm He never was any use unless you wanted a

plate of pancakes......" We decided to take no notice of her. After all we usually do. Hen and Charles were waiting outside the cinema. Which was a relief and Henny helped me to drag Moony out of the car and into the lobby where she engaged a cardboard cut out of Cary Grant in a heated discussion about how to make the perfect Martini. Keeping her busy for long enough for me to buy the popcorn and get our tickets clipped. We settled down in our seats to endure Mrs Barncombe's organ playing until the adverts when she descended halfway through her own version of "There will be bluebirds over the white cliffs of Dover" looking not a little flustered and annoyed. We sat through Pearl and Deans offerings (what a dull couple they must be) and then as the rating flared up I felt something fluffy and odd land on my lap. I almost screamed but just in time I looked down and realised that it was little Muffy. Now dogs are not allowed in the cinema but I know she's always been a bit of a film buff so we often sneak her in (also she adores popcorn). I carry a little headscarf and some sunglasses to disguise her with (when she wears them she looks just like Grace Kelly). Pretty quickly into the film Neff began to snore and Bramwell gave her that little look of his. It must have worried Moony as she stuffed a pair of old tights from her handbag (I do not know why she carries some of the things she does) into Neffs mouth... The snoring stopped but I hoped that no one would look to closely at our little gathering. The film was a sucsess for an outing of ours which is a surprise. Bramwell was crying when we got up to leave you know. Hes so sensitive.... Poor Lamb

The children of cutting sprout take santa very seriously.

Their dogged determination to make the last post gives us all cause to be cautious when we step outside. Try to post your milk cheque at your own risk my dears, I still bear the scars from my one foolish attempt to do so...... But aah bless them, meanwhile Mr Dingbat is fattening up to play a very famous festive visitor, just don't tell them that......

We wish you a merry christmas

We Wish you a merry Christmas, we wish you a merry Christmas and a happy New Year........

Hallooo It's me King Charles and my lovely wife Henny(Oui C'est moi).

Piano at the vicarage

Mrs Mooney does enjoy a rectial and polishing the piano.

How to fill the villagers stockings.......

Moony and I mulled over our Christmas present options this weekend outside CuttingSprouts lovely little bistro (a rather charming and chic little place with what dear Moony calls "Such darling waiters!!!"), looking at this picture I'm even less convinced than I was at the time that Mrs Moony was drinking coffee. If she was then why might I ask did she need a soda siphon? Anyway my dears I scribbled and Moony suggested. Now I dare say that she has her reasons for suggesting some of these things but I don't even dare to type their names, why might I ask would the vicar need to keep that particular part of his anatomy so warm? I had to dismiss so many of her ideas, but in the end we got down to a perfect list. And the vicar will be getting socks, you'll be glad to know (genuinely black none of this very dark blue they fob you of with). And once I'd downed my third cup of coffee Moony tipped the waiter heavily "Never try to drink water backwards, better to light a candle than curse the darkness, if you want to peel a boiled egg dip it in cold water" we left, leaving the waiter edified but looking just a wee bit mystified. We popped into Dingbat, Wobble and Fryers emporium where the gaily decorated Christmas tables are set out (its the staff their getting these days). In the window a large papier-mache Santa clause with untrustworthy eyes stared deep into the souls of a throng of elves who were skipping in the fake snow with their gaudy as a tarts boudoir Christmas gifts. A sight to warm the cockles of your heart, provided that your completely unhinged. We made our way to a hastily constructed department called "Gift Ideas" Humm, once you've got one games compendium haven't you rather got them all? We asked one of the assistants for help with Bramwells gift, he seemed to know him rather well, apparently they both frequent the "Ruby Slippers" not a pub I can say I've ever been too but it all sounds very Gay when Brammy describes it to me.... He pointed us right to the perfect gift. All beads and sequins half price and swore that even if they met again he wouldn't tell. Moony sulked which is strange when shes around a handsome young man she usually flirts horrendously when I asked her about this she sniffed and muttered "Not much point old girl, coals to Newcastle and the like" I wonder what she meant. I decided to cheer her up by finding her a little something....

If that Rupert Everett thinks his lineage is good look at this .

Horus name
Kanakht Tutmesut -The strong bull, pleasing of birth


Nebti name
Neferhepusegerehtawy Wer-Ah-Amun Neb-r-Djer -One of perfect laws, who pacifies the two lands; Great of the palace of Amun; Lord of all[4]


Golden Horus name
Wetjeskhausehetepnetjeru Heqa-maat-sehetep-netjeru Wetjes-khau-itef-Re Wetjes-khau-Tjestawy-Im -Who wears crowns and pleases the gods; Ruler of Truth, who pleases the gods; Who wears the crowns of his father, Re; Who wears crowns, and binds the two lands therein
Prenomen


Nebkheperure -Lord of the forms of Re
Son of Re
Tutankhamun Hekaiunushema -Living Image of Amun, ruler of Upper Heliopolis

Mrs Mooney.

Ohh dear.....

Now let me say this without to much alarm to my readers, I have always been a little unnerved when I pop into our doctors surgery and see the little sign on his door "Dr De'ath will see you now" but when I saw this poster on his Way I was even more unnerved. How might one ask did a carrot get into medical school what practical use would it be as a doctor. This one appears to have arms and legs, not to mention eyes,nose and mouth so I suppose it would be rather better disposed than an average carrot on the other hand it must have been grown near sellafield in order to develop these attributes which does not umm......bode well.

one

Cutting Sprout in autumn.

As you know from reading this my correspondence with you, we at Cutting Sprout have been preparing for our harvest festival. Always a cause of great celebration in this little corner of the world where on the fringes of Cutting Sprout as I have doubtless told you before sweet little farms abound. I of course look forward to the Brussels sprout harvest, Moony woke me up only last weekend to ask me when the Gin bottle harvest is. Bless the poor lass I didn't know how to explain it to her so I told her to nip down to the kitchen and make herself some Gin and Cornflakes whilst I got a few more winks of sleep. But once she was gone I lay there and had a little think, what might people with a less discerning pallet than myself might bring along for the Vicars lovely harvest table all decorations for the church being provided by the lovely Mrs Pine-Coffin. I'm afraid they were rather messed with by some other pretentious and bossy villagers whose names I will not divulge here....But don't they think they're the cats pyjamas? I contributed a little wreath of Brussels sprouts and cornflowers. That I suspect caused ohh...Just a little pang of jealousy in the aforementioned villager ( oh okay a certain Mrs Barnstorm and her cronies).... Well as the nights got darker we brushed of our nice warm outfits (unless of course our name was Bagshott-Smyth, more from her later) and little village children went around singing "All things bright and beautiful" and "We plough the fields and scatter" until Moony remarked that they shouldn't encourage illegal land ploughing. I asked her how the little poppets might be doing this (I was at the time sowing an ear of corn suit for one of the local nursery class so that he could pop up on stage and deliver his line "I 'v grown"). Well she said "If they were ploughing those fields legally then they wouldn't have to scatter would they?" Again I didn't feel qualified to explain so I sent her across the road for "a cup of something or other" Her eyes lit up and she scurried across the road with a tumbler. I breathed a sigh of relief and got back to my sewing machine which stuck on automatic had put an unusual pattern into a tomato costume and I had to unpick some of the worst bits. I'll say its one of those things where something gets scorched into it by the greenhouse. Moony didn't come back for a while, she'd been very much enjoying Henny and Charlie's drinks cupboard. I really hadn't meant a cup of whisky but that is what she brought back. Never Mind. We pottered along to the service on Sunday, me with a basket of garden produce and Moony with a tin of Jolly Green Giant sweetcorn which she insisted was harvest produce, just as she had the year before with a pack of sage and onion flavoured gravy. I try to say as little as possible on these occasions. It was charming, and my costumes turned out to be "rather sweet in a surreal way" as the vicar put it. And only a little misshapen. When we left the church we found little notes attached to the trees leading us to the woods, we looked at each other intrigued and then as one we followed the arrows.

Guess what we found yes Mrs Bagshott-Smyth and her women's group, a lot of very alcoholic punch and some wooden toad stools large enough to sit on. The punch helped I must say to enable us to better interpret Mrs Bagshott-Smyths "Dance of the Autumn sprites welcoming the Winter". I must say that they were graceful, bizarre and in the spirit of cutting sprout totally un-put off by the start of an early frost. But I snuck of home before anyone could ask my opinion. Call me a diplomat my dears, Henny did when she caught up with me. The two of us made our way home via every conker in the woods (Henny cant help herself picking them up and her pockets were bulging.) We talked about our families as we walked and we hummed and I imagine that the unknowing observer might have mistaken us for darling Pooh and Piglet.

The W.I and the Harvest Festival

Hello my dears, I have just slipped out of the kitchen where things have been popping, bubbling and squeaking. I can hear something exploding out of its saucepan as I write this little note but I don’t dare look. Ahh dear Moony has just gone off to battle it back in… “Have Courage dear, use the broom if need be, remember it’s only a suet pudding….Its done what?! Hang on there dear I’ll be with you in a moment, I’m sorry dear reader I must just go and help poor Moony extricate herself to think she only went in their for a cup of tea…….”

Well dears I’m back, goodness me! The reason for all this baking and I know you’ve all been wondering is the upcoming W.I and very important this... The Harvest Festival. We all love a good knee’s up at Cutting Sprout, even the vicars been rather excited. As for Mrs Bagshott-Smyth she’s been putting together a little show to represent the oneness of all seasons and the primal feelings of the harvest, whatever that may mean. One sees her and her friends trudging off to the woods in the most inappropriate garb for the season, little chiffon fairy dresses and Crepe paper crowns. I tell you dears it’s rather a sight, last night as I was passing her house on my way back from the town hall meeting I took a little peak through the windows and saw them constructing a rather large set of papier mache vegetables. Mrs Bagshott-Smyth was painting a rather oddly coloured carrot. I stopped looking and hurried on, further down the road I passed Ida and Mary’s cottage come faith healing practice. They were sitting on the lawn with a pot of herbal tea debating whether if we are all dead as some people think there can be messages from the other side and if there are which other side they might be coming from. Mary was putting the finishing touches to a corn dolly that looked rather as if it wanted finishing off. It had a few little friends who sat whimsically around the teapot not looking all that out of place on Ida’s tea table. They invited me to sit with them which I did, Moony was out at the Full Moon and Lunatic and Brammy had popped into town to see a play, Blithe Spirit as it happens. Ida poured me cup of tea from herbs that she had grown herself. I could tell, it tasted weak and a little strange but it was very relaxing I have to confess. Mary asked me vaguely if I had made anything for the Harvest festival and then informed me that the harvest moon was very conducive to messages from the other side, which ever one it turned out to be. I suddenly remembered that apart from some jam and cordial I had laid down in July I really hadn’t made anything special. I assured the girls that I would be back to see if they could contact Woger, they looked at each other very oddly. I’m sure that Mary was biting her lip rather hard, I wonder why? I excused myself and made a quick run down to the village stores, returning laden with the makings of the pies, puddings and conserves with which I planned to impress the W.I. Well that was the plan at the time but as you will have noticed since then my baking all seems to have gotten a little haywire. Still I should imagine it’s still going to be twice the pudding that Harlot Harley will have mustered up.
(I am including this picture of one of my little successes. Pickled Sprouts! You'll never belive how many iv'e managed to make and I dare say that they'll go down a treat!)

I can hear Moony wrestling the strange thing into a tin now……. “Well dear if you cant find one big enough wrap it in greaseproof paper and pop it in the larder….Ohh it wont fit, well wrap it up anyhow dear….You think you can get it into the cellar well be careful those stairs haven’t been looked at in a fair few years.... Ohh dear right ladies and gentlmen I really must go now. Toddle Pip!!"

Moony has been redecorating her room.....

Workmen have been going in and out and I hear them puffing and panting at all hours. Finally it seems that Moony was ready to unveil her new decor to Me I know Moony very well and I shuddered to think. It was bound to clash with my charming, carefully chosen sprigged wallpaper and fluffy green carpets. The door creaked open to reveal what I can only describe as a recently unearthed tomb crossed with a harem, and then re-decorated by a certain romantic novelist who wore pink (she claimed that she was inspired by Moony but when she heard this my little Egyptian friend snorted with laughter ). I sat down heavily in a what I assumed was just a really horrible armchair until Moony began waving her hands in the air. "That's me throne old girl its 3000 years and counting. Worth a bob at auction!!!!!" I jumped up looked at it and sighed , so just another bit of hideous ancient tat I thought. Moony suggested that I sit in one of her shocking Pink marabou armchairs. I disappeared amid a sea of feathers .You could just about see me I suspect as Moony carried right on talking "And over here we have A rather tasteful bust of my good self in pink marble crafted by an artist friend of mine . He had lovely strong arms!" A look came over her that would have made a mystic tremble. But she soon came to her senses and carried, on she talked whilst I considered the room that lay before me.

What did I think of her artistic skills, not much. A pink chandelier tinkled above our heads unfortunately casting light on the wall paintings, they are large and bright and full of people in little loincloths offering gifts to the Pharaoh. I would have said they were originals but even I know that Rolls Royce was not around in Moonys day. Her bed was covered in furs including those of what one might call imaginary animals the worlds only lavender leopard seems to have given up its life along side the powder blue ocelot, the hyacinth zebra, the pink tiger and a couple of tangerine mink. I felt a little woosy so I excused myself and hurried to my room where oddly you know I started to feel a little better. Brammy decorated my room and he did it so well dear boy. I must take him to the cinema soon to show him just how much Mummy appreciates him. I must go now and take an asprin ,thats odd I thought the workmen had finished...? One must not have collected his tools.

Moony and I are not terribly reassured by this poster...

When we were passing the local railway station this morning we spotted are merry conductor Sid pasting these up. Whilst these seem to be very friendly drug addicts I'm not convinced that they can do the job how shall we say to the high standards that one comes to expect. I mentioned this to Sid who looked utterly puzzled. But Moony and I were in a hurry, rumour had it that Dingbat, Wobble and Fryer had in some lovely new green and lapis lazuli Nylons and they are such a rare colours!

Shopping In Purple Sprouting......

As the cold has started to bite here Moony and I thought it high time that we popped into town to get kitted out for the winter . Well I decided and once I'd made up my mind I dragged Moony from her bed to join me she was terrible poor dear and kept dropping off in the car leaving nasty drool marks on my suede cushions . I'm much to polite to complain and mentioned neither this nor Moonys insistence on bringing Bunny. The shopping street in "Purple Sprouting" is quite lovely, lots of big Edwardian department stores. I knew we'd come to the right place as the windows were full of displays on Winter fashion. I thought it all quite charming but Moony had found a bottle of Gin in the glove compartment and was oblivious to her surroundings . I only realised this when I heard a thump behind me and turned to see Moony collapse out of the car door. After I had sorted her out and locked up the car with Bunny in it, we entered Roses department store. Moony sniffed the air but was disappointed that the faint smell of alcohol she could smell was only some mild punch in the Food hall. Still she knocked back five glasses of the stuff much to the surprise of the girl handing it out . I apologised for Moony and pushed her towards the lifts. The lifts at Roses are simply divine all upholstered in red silk and operated by a uniformed bell hops. Moony lowered the tone by trying to chat ours up and I was forced to stuff one of my gloves into her mouth when he wasn't looking. Women's fashions opened up before us a glittering mirage of fur coats and exquisite day dresses. I knew precisely what we were looking for even though Moony threw herself head first into a hatstand and stayed there making vaguely strange noises like a strangled and clinically insane parrot. I left her there I had her measurements and maybe when I came back she would be a little more sober....Maybe. First on my list was a nice warm day dress that I might wear at the Mayors winter fair where the W.I have a strong presence. Ohh every year we have our stall there selling our little Macaroons. I found a rather charming little green dirndl skirted dress with mountain flowers and edelweiss on the front and collars. I would have preferred Brussels Sprouts but there you go. And then some Green patent Mary-Janes and a lovely long midnight blue evening dress. An unusual colour for me I must admit. and then I heard a familiar voice from Women's nightwear. Only one person I know would be shouting "Do vous know ohh I ham !" I scurried towards the voice and found little Henny standing on a box, her face had gone a little red and her curls had gone stiff. Nell was trying to calm her down but she just wouldn't be silenced. Apparently they didn't think they would have anything short enough for her except for a cardigan. "Do vous zink zat ze Queen of England would goo too bod in jist a cadigan !!!!!?" I quickly took charge and dragged Henny up to Children's where she calmed down a little and picked out and armful in nighties still muttering from time to time that if she ran the world everyone would be shrunk to her size and it would all be much easier. Nell of course has a lot to buy in children's so we arranged to Meet up in the tea rooms afterwards. I went back to find Moony and a Fur coat. Ohh dear she seemed to have found one for herself, and quite a few other things besides. The coat she'd picked out was leopard and very big, not to my taste at all. It looked like she'd picked up a carpet and rolled herself in it. I shuddered to think what else she'd found and was only a fraction more horrified than I thought I'd be. A rather bizarre golden lurex two piece with bits of black marabou set my teeth on edge but she declared it "Lovely darling! A real bit of class!" I suppose that's what she'd also say about the gold fishnets she'd produced from God knows where. Something Shocking pink also peeked out from under her arm it shimmered and slivered a bit and then she unfolded it." I didn't know you were going to be on Strictly Come Dancing?" Was all I could say , she glared at me but brightened when I said Henny and Nell were waiting for us in the tearooms. She's rather fond of one of the waiters up there even though he scarpers whenever he sees her coming. So we made our way up. There are such magnificent views from the tearooms. We couldn't miss little Hen as she was standing on her chair gesturing wildly as she told Nell an anecdote about Big Charlies childhood "And of coss nezer of uz knew ohh he looked likee for sue looong." Nell giggled " Like a stewed pudding pet. You didn't ave any of them in your family?" "Non mon cher ami!!! I aze zee finnn family zee date all ze way back too..." "The first murderous bastard got lucky!!!!" Nells got a laugh on her.
Henny looked a little peeved but she has such social graces and kindly invited us to sit down. we passed a pleasant hour chatting amidst the floral arrangements and light music provided by an elderly old dear on the piano. Her feather headpiece slipped over one eye every now and then and the key changed awkwardly whilst she adjusted it. And then I remembered Bunny we'd left him in the car. We had to excuse our self of course I may have my qualms with Bunny but I don't wish him dead. Anyway Bunny was alright if a little Miffed and we made it home to Cutting sprout in time for dinner I didn't feel like cooking so we had fish & chips by the fire. I have included a picture of us in our new outfits.

Mrs Nitos Book Meme

Note the powerful effect that a good book can have on me fortunately prior to his disappearance Woger was always there to catch me and offer smelling salts.

Hardcover or Softcover? Hmm hardcover dears. Somehow I just seem to mangle softcovers' so easily.... And I accidentally baked one once so now I stick to hardcover which Moony likes as she claims they look posh on the shelves.

If I were to own a bookshop it would be called? Sprouting Books.

Favourite book Quote? "Frankly My dear, I don't have a dam" From "Groans with the wind" A saga about unsafe building techniques,romance and a family of Beavers.

The Author you would most like to have lunch with? Am I cooking or are they? Ohh I'll say Charlie though I can't pronounce the title of his book...

The book you would take to a desert Island? "How to escape from a Desert Island" Of course.

I would love to invent a book gadget that? Identified the ones your most likely to enjoy in a bookshop, like a dog that fetches your papers for you but probably much more intelligent than Bunny and robotic. I'd program it to find all the books with reference to sprouts. As when I ask the young man at our local bookshop if they have any on sprouts he gives me such an odd look.

The smell of old books reminds me of? Days spent up in the attic sifting through boxes of forgotten tomes. Moony can't find me and whilst she bangs about downstairs cursing and looking for Gin I curl up with a nice old tome and one of our nice old cats on one of Moonys moth eaten old leopard fur rugs. I can get lost in a good book for hours. I can get lost for hours but that's another story.....

If I could be a lead character in a book? Cithy in "Withering Sprouts". Not that I think Scrubprecipice is all that sane but what he really needs up on those dark barren moors all the time (depressed non) is a nice woman who can tell him to stop strangling hogs to get a girls attention. I could put him right about that, especially if he looked like that Rupert Everett. And living around here there is nothing on the moors more terrifying than our own world famous beast

The most over estimated book of all time? "The Autobiography of an Egyptian Beauty " by Mrs T.A.K Moony The authors name is oddly familiar now I think of it. Anyway talk about self adoration and if the photos are anything to go by she needs a lot of air brushing to make her beautiful..... Ohh dear I've just remembered where I've seen that name before.

I hate it when a book is? Written by Mr Misery.

Wet Sunday in the guesthouse in more ways than one ...

As it was tipping with rain when we woke Mooney summoned the boy who does errands and sent him off for the paper and ( alas) her cigarettes . I had a long soak in the bath and clipped my toenails whilst listening to the news from Cutting Sprout . The voice of our dear Henny read the news . It seems Mrs Bagshott-smyth has pulled her muscles and is thinking of taking a break in "Artichoke Villas" ..oh horrors.!We went down for a light breakfast , Mooney had bacon , eggs , fried bread, sausages, and cereal with a large gin. I had toast and marmalade . On the way back up to our room we heard a bellow "fine day for a game eh ladies , how's about it?" . Mooney groaned as it was the Major ( a terrible old bore who rattles on about his military days and hunting ) .We felt obliged to play at least one game of bridge which I can't understand at all . I kept feeling a large slipper playing footsie under the table . The Major winked at me several times so I told him about Woger and how he'd be back soon . Moony whispered to me that we should escape when he went to powder his nose ( it's bulbous and red from a life of whiskey drinking). We grabbed our raincoats and umbrellas. As we stepped under the porch Mooney was half drowned as the gutter cleared . The swearing was frightful. We walked along the prom. to some shelter near the cliffs where we watched several men rolling what appeared to be barrels along the sand off round the back of the caves , must be a local tradition. As dinner time came we bought some fish and chips and ate as we watched the goings on with barrels .As evening fell we strolled home chilled and tired only to be stopped by a Policeman asking if we'd seen anything suspicious . Moony said "how could we tell we come from Cutting Sprout?" . How we laughed as we drank our cocoa in bed and listened to Charlie's "Easy Listening" music show .

Moony and Nitos Seaside Diary

Day One
We arrived at Artichoke Villas, landlord and Landlady had our room ready but Moony swears that she caught her giving a suspicious sideways glance and muttering to her husband. She even swears she heard the words “old dear” and “rich”. Our room looks over the sea and the pier is in view which means we have our black out curtains up. The light from various seaside entertainments keeps us awake, we like to tuck in about nine or ten after the tea dances (Well I do).

Day Two
Down to breakfast promptly at seven, Moonys’ order of fried locust on toast caused mutterings amongst our fellow guests. I had to bring my own sprout jam as they never get it quite right. We then donned our sun hats and swim suits, packed our picnic basket and made our way to the beach. We had arranged to meet Charles and Henny there; they were on a day trip. Sadly they had neglected to tell us they would be bringing along the grandchildren. By the time we got there they were already covered in sand, plucking creatures from rock pools and hiding them in grandmas’ handbag (she got quite a few surprises). All we wanted was a few cocktails at the Sea View Hotel and some time to unwind under the sun with a good book.
We acted delighted to see them all of course, and things didn’t start too badly. Sadly embarrassment was to follow, the little ones expressed a desire for some rock and Moony (unusually for her) offered to take them to get some. I went back to my book “Where The Heart Leads” - but just as I was nearing the moment when we would discover if the heroine would find love with the gifted eye surgeon who was also a fantastically rich Texas oil baron after she had recovered her memory and realised that the man who called himself her brother was actually a communist spy who was looking for microfilm in her handbag - I heard wailing and screaming from the children. They ran to Gran and Grandpa carrying... beach rocks. I had to make a special trip up to the pier to buy three enormous sugar dummies. And I almost stopped talking to Moony completely.
As the little ones sucked happily away and built sand castles (each one a replica of one of Grandpas palaces), Granny went for a swim. Henny had kitted herself out in a Victorian bathing suit, still it was less glaring than Charlie’s knitted tartan trunks a gift from (no prizes for guessing ) Mary Queen Of Scots . Soon little arms waved in the air and shouts of “Aide moi!” Charlie who had his binoculars out, supposedly looking for shipping (ohh yes, those girls wouldn’t know shipping if it hit them about their poodle hair-dos) shouted “She’s drowning!” and rushed into the water, dragging Henny to dry land. Her bloomers had filled with water and dragged her down; she was hysterical wailing “No Queen of England ever drowned!” .
Charlie and the kids’ got the water out of her and Charlie soon decided that it was time to go home before another accident could happen. After they had gone we treated ourselves to a hard earned Cocktail and watched the sun go down and the pier lights come on before we returned to our hotel for a very good nights sleep.

Pub Quiz night

Friday night is pub quiz night at the "Full Moon and Lunatic" and Moony and I always turn out. One day we hope to return with the prize Money, but until then its just a cracking good way to spend a Friday Evening. Our team the W.I ladies are fairly good and we take it all very seriously, Bramwell designed us a team uniform; its a fetching outfit consisting of fluffy purple jumper, pleated green skirt and little beret. Henny has also taken to bringing cheerleaders pom poms with her and really whipping up team spirit with her routines. We drive them all down and Mrs Pine-Coffin makes the sandwiches. Tonight as I fastened on my hat Mrs Bagshott-Smyth came banging in still dressed in one of her less than fetching pairs of footless tights and drooping leg warmers with some bits of twig hanging from her ponytail. After a few over theatrical stretching exercises which she calls the "Oshhhha ahh" and I call the "Ohh is that my back going" she produced from behind her back something that looked like a badly stuffed pair of tights fighting with a Guy Fawkes doll whilst he burst into merry flames atop the bonfire. "I have designed... A new MASCOT for our team. It was inspired by a ..." She paused, pulled herself up to her full height, stuck out her chest and fixed her eyes on something in the middle distance. "A Woodsprite!". Moony snorted loudly and got the hoover out as the creature was shedding glitter and leaves all over the carpet. I put on my glasses to look at it and was even more horrified. No one would get in the car with it so it had to be strapped to the roof and a shower of debris followed us to the pub. We passed Mr Dingbat walking his dog and as his eyes were drawn to the roof rack I saw a silent scream escape his lips. I knew how he felt. A crowd gathered to watch as we tried to wrestle it down and Mrs Bagshott-Smyth looked daggers at Henny as one of its arm type things came away in her hand, but we rammed it back on with some of Nells chewing gum and it held better than the rest of the thing. The pub landlord insisted that we leave it in the beer garden as he didn't want it putting of customers. He supposed that in the twilight and with a beer in its hand it might pass as one of his more eccentric regulars and not draw suspicion. We had a wonderful time, and much to our surprise and my pride at the end of the evening Bramwell as captain of his team ( The Ruby Slippers) lifted the cup and the prize money and brought us all one last round.
Late that night as Moony and I listened to the local news in bed, on our transistor radio the announcer suddenly became very serious. "Reports just in that the Beast from the Moors was spotted having a leisurely Beer outside "The Full Moon and Lunatic" Some reports even suggest that a pack of crisps were involved. All a far cry from its sheep snatching antics....! Ohh dear We'd better not say anything.

Mrs Mooney try here...

http://www.angelfire.com/realm/gotha/j1/j1_1.txt

The Truth will out.

Hello Dears Ida Batwing HereI feel awful about keeping the awful truth from Mrs Nito. I saw Woger as large as life right there buying stripy jimjams; I know it would shatter her heart. But I suspect that Mrs Moony of some awful duplicity. I consulted the runes about my dilemma and they spelt out to me….They spelt out …Ida you must seek the truth. So I’m off to Harlot Harley's house. And I hope she has a very convincing explanation. Maybe he was a messenger from the other side or a dream… Ohh I hope my psychic dreams are coming back. I found out all sorts of things winning lottery tickets…. That’s how I came to have this lovely extension

Summer Sales

Today heralds the start of the Dingbat Wobble and Fryer summer sale so Moony and I popped down. As we’ve been to a number of these over the years we came prepared (knee pads, cycle helmets, tennis rackets). A large crowd had formed outside, Charles and Ollie were rather energetically jogging on the spot and Ida was trying unsuccessfully to read Mr Misery’s future. I could see Mrs Dingbat peaking round the corner of one of her displays, a jaunty pile of rocking chairs and tangerine coloured cushions all with sale stickers sellotaped on, they might be for sale but I couldn’t see the cushions selling. After a half hours wait Mr Fryer swung the doors open and we all made a mad dash inside. Little Henny disappeared underfoot, only her plaintiff cries could be heard and it was some time before she was discovered clutching onto Mrs Arbathnot-nuts leg in ladies clothing. She looked bedraggled but otherwise fine and I’m sure she was as pleased as Charlie was about his sale finds (a lovely pair of pale blue trainers, five pairs of bright red silk boxer shorts and a charming pair of plaster king Charles spaniels for the mantelpiece) at least I’m sure that’s what that look on her face meant. I had come for some new Kilner jars as Moony had made a terrible mess the day before when she was looking for one of her knoptic jars. The vital one that contained her lungs. The long and the short of it is that we now need a new home for them and some new pickled cabbage. On the bright side a Miss Ada Fenchurch of the British museum was surprised to find a recently super glued but 100 percent authentic knoptic jar from the tomb of Tutankhamen on EBay (buy it now price of £2.50, we wanted it off our hands) . I bumped into Ida Batwing in the homes and interiors department looking for a new set of table cloths, preferably black and fringed, for that Gypsy-psychic look she does so well. She clasped my arm and announced in hushed tones “Woger is in… is in …is in” sadly Moony chose that juncture to have a small coughing fit and whatever Ida was about to say sounded for all the world like “Woger is in Men’s night wear” . When I asked her to explain she was gone, off in a trance that led her over to some particularly heavy chenille curtains. I went in search of some nice green yarn to knit myself a winter cardigan; I see something tastefully draped, frilly lace cuffs and bobbles that look a little like Brussels sprouts, maybe a bow closure. Mr Misery was at the wool department counter enquiring if they had any knittable steel wool, in black for a vest his wife was making him. The assistant’s hair almost stood on end, until she convinced him that Daria might be just as uncomfortable. But he saw the bright vivid colours and after an apoplectic fit passed out. It must be hard having that little fun. When he came round she offered to order him some Habu steel wool and he almost smiled until he realised he had taken a vow against such heathen expressions of joy grabbed the stapler and fixed his expression of joyless sobriety back in place. When he found out about this Dr De-ath took him to hospital to have them removed. I found something just right with a nice bobbly texture and a lot of yardage always a plus for an economical lady like myself. I tracked Moony back down in lingerie; she has rather vulgar taste and was buying a pair of marabou trimmed leopard print devore pyjamas with diamante buttons. I tried not to say anything but really, they were rather over the top. Henny emerged from one of the fitting rooms to ask my opinion on a new girdle, they all seemed to be designed for a much taller woman than her and she has to have a special order of extra, extra smaller else they start at her neck and end at her knees. We were all delightfully pleased with our buys and Henny invited us and Ida & Mary back to her house for tea, as we left we passed Charlie’s Grandma Mary Q.O.S in crafts. Ear trumpet in place, buying a tapestry kit of... herself .Henny groaned “Zats probably vat ve vill be gotting far Chrismouse

That Rupert Everett has upset our Holly.....

Mooney and I are out for blood . I am starting to see red ! Anyhow I popped over the Henny's house to discuss the problem and how we could cheer her up. As I was rattling on about "upper-class swine" I noticed tears welling up in dear Henny's eyes. "I am zo zorry mon cher , I shall pok and lov ". It was a while before I realised I was talking to a dead Queen of England , daughter of France , Medici etc. I had to apologise too , we chatted about how well we got on despite my parents being campesinos who once picked sprouts for a living. Henny "tactfully" said that I could never understand what it was to be beautiful but that it is not all good. "I never noed if poople zey lofed me for myzelf or my tittttle " . I could see the problem for a brief moment then tactlessly said "but Henny dear I didn't think anyone in England liked you at all" . This brought on floods of tears and I had to apologise . "Well she said , it waz noot becoz of my 'ats zat zey ated moi eh" "When you are royale ze iediotts wil fellow vous whatefer vous wheras . I only ad to chunge me air-stile and zome twat would copy it . Dying ze air brun becomed ze zing to do , trying to be ze tinnnny pezon was ard for zome but most amuzing to witch. I could ave vorn a piggie on me ead and zey would ave zaid it waz ze beautie zing .At this Henny cackled , she had so many respiratory illnesses before she died poor love. "I wil tak to ze olly wan she waks oop , zey are not zo keen on yoo when ze cards zey are doon , zat is ow ze fashinably ppes was , I was onllle poplar gain whan Charlie 2 was retorred..zer ..figh !

The mast is erected !

This weekend Moony and I zipped down to the opening of the new radio mast. The Vicar had tried to find a celebrity willing to come to our village but alas he was disappointed apparently they were all off at some sort of concert, so we had to settle for Lord & Lady Arbathnot-Nut. So now wer’e on air, the first broadcast is transcribed below. (Henny was so wonderful stepping in to read the news at the last moment)

Dum de dumm dumm, dumm de dum dumm de de dummm

“Welcome dears it’s exactly 9.00 of the clock and you must be listening to Cutting Sprout F.M. If you weren’t you wouldn’t be able to hear me of course. I’m your vicar the right Rev Pine-Coffin and it is my great pleasure to hand you over to Mrs H. Stuart at the news desk.”
“Allo tis moi Henny I am spocking to vous today about ze news. Sittings of a mysterious creature on ze moors which is very fritning ave increased so stay in and hid under ze bed.
New reports in zat ze Harlot Harley she as larddered her Stockings on ze zay to ze shop, I do not zink it was un accident!
Charles Stuarlt he remains the handsomest man en cotting sprout by mills.
Ze Vicar he is planting ze fresh flowers in his boders, so I have some competition for moi planting scum I see. No No fear Henny vill vin ze vallage show with moi begonias .Sinnin orf ,ave ze good-dayz.

Fathers Day and the mast goes up....

Since our little fun run work has gone ahead on the radio mast and we hope that along with the new Radio Cutting Building we will be broadcasting live in less than a month. Its a thrilling prospect. But back to today, its Fathers day in the village as it is in the wider world. As we have no fathers in our little abode Mooney and I peeked at what Charlie was getting through the window. We heard many delighted exclamations of joy and then Charlie came out with James trundling a strange looking machine. They set it up on the front lawn and turned it on I noticed that Charlie was carrying a tennis racket he stood well back and a ball shot out which he whacked straight back and it was hoovered in again. He seemed delighted we were puzzled as he toasted it with Lizzy and a bottle of Bells. Henny came tottering across the road pushing their little toddler Ann in her buggy (When she died she decided that she'd like to stay three forever.) , just as a huge delivery van parked up outside their house and heaved out huge packages into James arms. Henny sighed, as He and Charlie began to drag them into the house. She banged vigorously on the door and we let her in, she squeaked exasperatedly "Zat is James Fithers daa Pesants arriving He always as a lot of zem. I can noot gooo rind Bug Chillies house as he as even moor of zem." After we'd had a cup of tea and a little gossip, the four of us went for a stroll round the village. Delivery vans were parked end to end outside Big Charlies house when we walked past and he was admiring a shipment of "father of the year " mugs whilst Nell unwrapped framed finger paintings', we waved and hurried on. In the middle of the village green we bumped into Mr Misery. Well actually seeing him we avoided the village green, He was screaming fit to burst and jumping up and down on a pile of burning National trust tea towels. Commemorative plates were smashed against the pub wall. Henny picked up one of the larger shards and recognized herself. She passed it on to us with a sage little nod. At the top it said in gold lettering A Royal Wedding and little paintings of Henny and Charlie surrounded with roses. I heard Mr Misery screaming "Is this some sort of joke! They've only been and gone an brought me the whole papist shop......." It transpires that his children who are not especially clever had gone to Windsor and brought him one of everything in the gift shop. Ann scoped up a beefeater teddy bear that was only lightly singed and cuddled it lovingly, he looked like he needed rescuing so we pushed on. Henny found a dolly of herself which amused her and popped it in her handbag. "I Vill show Chillie." As we walked along Henny told us that Rupert's daughter was withholding her Fathers Day gift until she had a sensible name and Ruperta just wasn't what she was hoping for. We got back just as James I, Charlies dad came shuffling down the road in his carpet slippers. We ducked behind a bush but he'd spotted Hen and toddled over to hug her. I'm afraid that must of what he says is a spluttered mess but we caught the gist he'd come to thank Charlie for his fathers day present. A joke Book. "Made me laugh till I exploded !" The thought was ominous so we hurdled into our garden quickly and trimmed that darned topiary hedge we'd been meaning to get too. We found out later that Cromie had popped in with his gift a bejewelled sweat band.humm and he's not in love with gowns and glory. My foot.......

Charity begins at the sports wear shop...Part two

Moony trained as hard as she ever does (Sleeping in the wheelbarrow with a newspaper on her head) meanwhile I did what I did best baked some little round tartlets with running shoes iced on. One look and I'm sure the competitors would be spurred on. Finally the day dawned, amazingly clear Sky's the kind of weather the Reverend Pine-Coffin always enjoys heartily, by the time we got to the village green he and Mrs Pine-Coffin were sitting in a little tent with a thermos flask of tea and some rather moist little cucumber sandwiches . I huddled up with them and waited for everyone to arrive and line up. I was rather pleased to notice that everyone had entered into the spirit of the thing , even Mr Misery had donned a lovely new black tracksuit which he was proud to tell us all wasn't just black but "A new kind of black made from all the blackest things on earth. Coal, really dark raisins, tar, carbon black and oil. Cromwell would approve! " Cromwell who had come along stiffled a giggle as he went past in his orange and black strippy sequinned all in one. But I'm very polite so I just smiled and nodded. Harlot predictably was wearing less material than some of my flannels tighter than an elastic band, I was not impressed but suddenly Moony felt overdressed, she had finally convinced James to push her wheelbarrow which he saw as "Fun penance". Still at least they made good time unlike Harlot who spent her time leaning of fences chatting to Charlie II, she only returned to running if she saw Nell who had come as an orange "Its novel innit ! " Henny has much shorter legs than the rest of us so she was exempt from the running and kept to the village hall "I will mock sandwitches and tea in the big earn". I had decorated my little truck with Bramwells help, swags of purple roses and bows which looked rather delightful. Mrs Pine-Coffin would drive and Bramwell would play the piano whilst I sang and Ida told people their fortunes. The vicar fired his starting gun and we whipped round the green, past the President whose health prevented him from running but I noticed not from enjoying the sun and snacks outside the Full Moon & Lunatic, or the barmaids hospitality. I'm afraid even in our little village rivalry can ruin a pleasant sporting event and Mr Misery had to be disqualified after he tripped Charlie I up when he thought no one was looking. Oliver picked Charlie I up and helped him to the first aid stall where Henny fussed over him (she's so adorable) Oliver insisted on taking Charlie's running number and finishing the race for him. There was great surprise when a small red haired figure shot past, the President stood clapped and shouted "Come on Barbie" as this surprise entrant began to take the lead we were all very excited . Sadly we were enjoying ourselves so much that we didn't notice Mrs Bagshott-Smyth zip past in her little sports car but I saw her stop just short of the finish line and try to rush into first place. Of course we had words and she had to step aside as James came in first trundeling Mrs Moony. Charlie had started limping round the track with his cane and Henny to lean on. He came in last of course but we gave him a rossette. Oliver slapped him on the back and knocked him out cold. Moony graciously vacated her wheelbarrow into which he was dumped and we all made our way to the village hall for a little party. Eventually Charlie came round and joined in the celebrations. We'd made more than enough money to build the new radio transmitter. Radio Cutting Sprout is coming to a wireless near you very soon!

Charity begins at the sports wear shop...

Three weeks ago I was hanging out certain items of Moonys on our little cloths line when I saw Charlie emerge from his cottage wearing a natty red velvet tracksuit with C.R in gold all over the back. I was surprised I hadn't really expected him to have something like that in his wardrobe. I was even more surprised when he began to stretch and jog on the spot before waving goodbye and sprinting down the lane almost colliding with our poor Postman as he wobbled by on his bicycle, Moony and I were puzzled. We sat in the front sitting room with out Coffee and knitted some more socks for the Home Guard boys many of whom are very old and cant go sitting around on damp ground without warm socks at their age. Eventually Charlie came jogging back with our new vicar who isn't really in the right sort of shape for all that running and was having great difficulty. Well when we saw that we were intrigued and nipped out to talk to them it turned out that the new vicar had organised a run to raise funds for the village to have a radio station "I have a little dream that we could reach a wider audience with a message of love and tolerance." I dare say that your not surprised that we find The Reverend Pine-Coffin much an improvement on our old vicar. Later when we popped down to Dingbat Wobble and Fryers we spotted a poster in their window, a bright print of a laughing choir boy running down the road pursued by radios, I could tell the original artwork was by the vicars wife. I have often seen her paintings and find them very umm modern. Underneath it said "RUN FOR NOT FROM THE RADIO TODAY. SIGN UP TO RUN A MERRY MILE FOR CUTTING SPROUTS OWN RADIO STATION." Moony rushed in and came out with a rather exotic combination of shorts and top bright turquoise with gold pipping she asked me if I thought she should have her initials embroidered on, from which I highly discouraged her as I thought it sounded very naff. And besides which I suspected that she wouldn't do much training . She had also brought a wheelbarrow the reason for which I couldn't guess until she informed me that she would be completing the race as a novelty runner "I plan to be pushed in a wheelbarrow my dear, you didn't think that I was going to run !" I suspected as much. I decided that I wouldn't run, instead I would offer help and comfort along the way and then late at night I realized the role I would play, I would ride ahead on a flat bed truck singing and cheering them on. Ohh I hear Moony calling to me, I must run. More tomorrow my dears.

Looking forward to Easter....

Bramwell has been crafting some lovely little Easter bonnets with tiny chicks and daffodils, they look a lot like bouquets for the dear departed Queen Mother or alternatively he makes little Wordsworths' out of peg dolls and pops little note books in their hands, which I think is very inventive. And ohh la la his own bonnet, a haze of shepherdesses and sheep, and a flowing stream, I don't know how he got it up there but there it is with a couple of paper boats. Moony wanted a spring flood on the river Nile so again lots of water. Charlie says he wont wear his as its "undignified" but I know Henny will talk him round because she thinks it is so "Bon Chic por vous!!!!". I have a little plan for the Easter egg hunt, why eggs? Why not lets say.... Brussels sprouts? So I spent quite a bit of time last night toughening up a couple fairly oval shaped Brussels and painting them with little chicks and bunnies. I have a feeling that my centres will be a surprise. I also decided that Sprouts made great apostles on the simmnel cake and made sure that each looked individual with a cheerful face and tried to make them robes but being round they just fell of so I iced them on. I think Moony was a bit sceptical, commenting that "If they had been like that they would have rolled away and stuck under chairs." I'm not put off. Lord Arbathnot is also organizing an Easter egg hunt but so far no takers which seems wise enough when one considers his history. Ivans been helping me find ingenious hiding places for my eggs and if were at a loose end we hide them under Moony who stays very still as long as there is gin and a pack of fags in the offing. Must go I think one of Charlie II lot is throwing Grannies eggs and flour about...... Goodbye for now................ "Monmouth that really will not do untie grandpa and clean those eggs of the policeman !!!!!!!!!!!"

Mrs Nito here ..

a little explaination for our dear friend Marianne. You might think that our dear doctor Wittelsbach is a terrible old fraud .Sadly we have to tell you from our position in the village ( in the library) that it would appear that dear James did indeed like to wear Togas and Roman garb of all sorts. He became a penitant , walked on hot coals , whipped himself , starved himself etc . He was mocked by his brother for choosing ugly mistresses and was ultra delighted to have died on a day considered to be possibly the actual date Christ had been crucified. I think the poor Doc. has his work cut out. I suppose not too many of us go to war at the age of 8 , live in prison with daddy who is then executed ...thank-goodness Cutting Sprout has it's moments but nothing quite so awful . He is a dear boy really with a loving nature or we'd all avoid him !

Zery interezting

Velcome into my zurgery, put your hat on ze coffee table (unlezz ze cause the terrible memoriez zor you) and zit down. I Dr M. Wittlesbach am von of Englanz leading psychoanalysts vich is not zaying much if you know ze British. Today however I find myzelf breaking Dr & Patient confidentiality. I know itz not my ztyle but I zpent much of ziz morning with a very damaged young man by ze name of Jamez. If he needed to talk to me zhen I need to talk to you zery much about him. James zuffers from a guilt complex zat whilst I understand its root puzzeled me, his main obzzessions zeem to be with ze zelf harming and vith ze togaz. All ze better if he can zelf harm vhilst vearing ze togaz. I didnt know vhat to zay zo I did aZ my professor taught me. I vent "Ahhh haaa Ummm Hummm ja, ja I zee." And "how did ziz impact on your relationzhipz" To vhich Jamez told me zat he was oddly drawn to ugly women, and showed me some pictures of his wifes and misstresses I could ze vat he meant I had never before zeen zuch vomen. Hiz first vife and I am not being petty veminded me of my goldfish at home vith whome I have a zery cloze and loveing relationzhip vhich I do not vish to talk about in front of company. I asked him if he thought such vomen ver a punishment for zoom zin vhich he had commited unvittingly. He began to cry about hiz father, a cause of much un-happiness amongst my patients I find and zezpected and Oedipus complex until he told me zat hiz father had been beheaded and he held himzelf rezponzible. I azked if ziz had been ze traffic accident and he replied zat it vas ze hairdresser Mr Cromwell whom he held responsible. I zondered vat kind of haircut it vas!! I never got to ze root of hiz problems I don't zhink anyvon could...

A little bet..

Charlie and Ollie popped off unseen to the betting shop today. Charlie put a fiver on The Gay Cavalier to win 10-1 and Ollie on Ranter 30-1 .It turned out that Ranter got a bit of a speed up and won . Ollie generously took Charles and Henny out to lunch .Unfortunately James saw them eating and dragged Ollie out of the cafe . The local Policeman P.C Sloth had to charge James with causing an affray . His shouting "he killed my father" didn't help as his father was standing there looking embarrassed . He has tried to explain they are in Heaven now but James has issues. He had to have iodine applied to his black eye by Mrs Moony and the dentist Mr Pullum will see him tomorrow.

Henny takes advantage of her 25% off coupon.

At "A Bit off the Top" to have her curls re-set.

Henny's terrible shock.

Henny decided to pop off to Purple Sprouting to the organic farmer's market last Friday. She came back pale and shaking. There was a frantic knocking at our cottage door , setting Bunny off barking . She was leaning against the door post and muttering "Cromwell" . As she was choosing some fresh sprouts for me a broad Norfolk accent enquired after her health. He called her Mrs Stuart , of course. She says she turned and saw the warts and her legs gave way. Oliver caught her and asked her to have a coffee with him . She told us she just sort of followed him into the cafe. He bought her coffee and a French tart and enquired after her husband, The temptation to shout at him was over-whelming. Anyhow he started to apologise and ask her forgiveness. She swears by the end she almost accepted. It all ended with him telling her he runs a hairdresser called "A Bit off the Top" and she could have a trim anytime for free. She giggled nervously at this . We had heard there was a new hair-dresser at P.S but had no idea who ran it. She said he seemed to have his usual pudding basin , hacked-off by his Mum look. He did mention he was on remand from Singe on Styx for 300 odd years of good behaviour. He was having anger management treatment and since the lithium was a new man. He escorted her to the bus but she was still in shock and not sure how Charles would re-act . I believe he forgave his murderers on the scaffold so there might be some hope.
Today Ollie turned up with a hoe at the cottage explaining he had to do 500 years community work at their house. Charles set him to paint the outside windows and settled down with his paper and some chocolate digestives. James popped home , saw the painter and said "hi" then realised who he was and dragged him off the ladder. Charlie rushed out telling him he must learn to forgive as Our Lord would. James said "Bugger Our Lord, I want to kill the swine" . Luckily big Charlie turned up and dragged James inside giving Ollie a small kick as he passed him. Charlie I came out with the arnica cream and Ollie said he understood , it was all part of his therapy.

Invited to the vicarage for a cosy dinner

Moony and I were sitting down for breakfast yesterday when a thin black envelope rattled through the letterbox. Moony scooped it up hoping that it was a love note from an ardent admirer. If it had been it was clear he didn't have much to say for himself, but as time goes by I find that Moony's admirers have less and less to say. She tore it open and when she saw it was not what she had hoped for threw it into the scrambled eggs and went back to her corn flakes in gin. I picked it out and wiped it off, luckily it was still legible. In plain gold script it announced, "You are invited to an evening of cocktails and pleasures at the vicarage. Black tie and cocktail dress." I thought that the dress instructions seemed a bit odd but an evening at the Vicarage is always a welcome treat. Ignoring Moony who just wanted to slouch off to the "Full Moon and Lunatic" I ran across to Henny and Charlie's little cottage. They had been invited also and Henny had already thrown herself into finding the perfect outfit. The skirt seemed to be layered with peacock feathers that when she pulled a little string rose up like the plumage of those lovely mystical birds. Next to her Charlie looked a little plain in a black silk suit and peacock feather trimmed picture hat. But I actually thought he was looking forward to the party although he's much to dignified to say so. Henny offered to come along to "Dingbat Wobble and Fryers" with me and "Puk outt a noo evening goon." I of course had my heart set on something in green, so we popped up to the new Ladies attire department, where Henny flicked through the racks with me and plucked out some very daring creations. Until my eye fell on an Emerald green velvet with a silk Brussels sprout corsage the label said it was a rose but I know better, I did worry that a black tie would spoil the effect. I decided I'd better pick something Moony would like. I know how much Moony loves to reveal and dazzle. But well subtlety is my watch word, never mind that I decided whatever Moony wears Henny will well "steal the show". I found a gold lame blouse and flared skirt printed with Egyptians (how funny) all non Gin stain. The Dingbats know Moony too well.
As do I alas ,and it was no surprise when I found I had to wheel Moony to the vicarage in our trusty wheel barrow, too drunk to walk. The vicar had decked out his one tree with fairy lights which might have looked elegant if they weren't shaped like Minnie Mouse and Pluto. Mrs Vicar met us at the door with her oriental eggs which sadly we were obliged to eat as she was watching intently. Charlie, an aesthete ,had passed out after seeing the fairy lights so was spared Mrs Vicar's finger food he revived however after the first glass of "Bells" and led Henny in a tango across the lawn. Her feet didn't touch the ground. The rest of us gathered round the piano where the Vicar banged out show tunes until dinner. He kept looking at Mrs Moony and I and sighing for some reason although we were well behaved and unlike his other female guests we had remembered to wear our black ties. Thankfully dinner was laid on by The Vicars lovely Cook Mrs Dumpling and not Mrs Vicar so it was edible and of course for me she had included Brussels sprouts. Ohh but my darlings what a revelation came after dinner when the Vicar rose to propose a toast and announced " My dears I have a surprise for all of you, I know you will miss me but I am going to Africa to take up a missionary position!" Henny could be heard to whisper "Why do you have to go to Africa?" And Charlie began to laugh hysterically. I think it took the wind out of the Vicar's sails a bit. I fear the vicar may have to return if there is an uprising. The rest of the evening progressed well, Dr De-ath led us all in a chorus of for "he's a jolly good fellow". Charles got rather tipsy again and his black tie began to slip revealing a row of big stitches which Henny tried to cover up using her fur shrug when they left.

What a joy

Darling Bramwell took me to his lovely little boutique and unveiled this. A daring Brussels sprout ballgown. Ooh I nearly wept with delight. It fits like a glove and even Moony thought I looked enchanting. I'll wear it to the Vicars balls!

"Steps"

My goodness dear readers those "steps" turned out to be some very pretty platform shoes ! Henny was delighted as she is now the same height as Charles , Im and Milord. She does have trouble walking in them but Rupert ( just like a son to her) has invented a "Zimmer" frame for her so she cuts quite a dash ( no a crawl in fact). Lizzie, Henry , Mary , Ann etc all arrived with flowers and chocolates. Mooney's cake fooled her and she is very happy. I am about to be picked up by Bramwell in his little run-around car. I hear Boris wove his Mama a shawl , how thoughtful. I will let you know later what my surpise is .

Mother's Day here .

Dear Bramwell tells me he has a surprise for me after Church , I simply can't wait. I hope things are going well at all the other house's in the village with mothers old and young. I could hear a lot of noises from Henny's this morning .Then a lot of wailing so I hope those boys of hers havn't let her down. I know James was inventing something called a "step" as Mummy is so short.
Mrs Mooney looked sad this morning as her darlings ( all at boarding school in Switzerland) really don't care. I can't say she was a great mother but even so ..well Henny has made a lovely cake for her simply soaked in gin which she had sent to Switzerland and re-posted here. I expect Helen will be boasting all around the village that she had the most wonderful flowers , cakes , books etc .
I will post again later when I find out what my surprise is ...oh dear big Charlie has just been thrown out by his dear little Papa . A shout of "If ye canna be bothered don't come here asking for sugar" followed with him. I expect his gambling debts are causing strife again or he's had another .....err baby . I doubt Henny got a thing , let's hope James arrives soon .

Hello My Dears....

Well If any of you have ever wondered how Moony and I keep ourselves in Warm winter bed socks then you should have popped along to the Cutting Sprout bookshop Strange Barrows For my signing Session. Yes My dear I do scribble for a living under the alias of Dame Vadna Sprout. This year I've made it into the Mothers Day bestseller list, with a lovely little romance set against the heady backdrop of disinherited heirs on a Brussels Sprout farm, my heroine very like myself, and my hero very like Woger dream of owning their own sprout farm, much as I too did. Bramwell, so talented, designed the cover which I will be unveiling soon, so that you can all see his talent. So I found myself today popping down to Strange Barrows in a wig and dark glasses, very few people in Cutting Sprout know my secret but that doesn't stop Moony hoping for a discount. She always sulks when I ask her for the full price! I was delighted to see so many of my friends in the queue including little Henny who was rather dwarfed by the hard back edition until she collapsed under the strain and Charlie switched it for a paperback, very wise as I was afraid that she might be crushed. When she got to me she gave me a suspicious lookj and asked "Ave I Mot you beefoor !" I of course shook my head and put on the voice I always use. Vadna you see must maintain her air of mystery or people would confuse her with Edna De Boody My crime fiction writer alter ego. "I errr Noo My dear I do nooot zink zat is zery likey. I keep myself to myself to write my novelz..... Maybe you knew my huzband ze count ?" I think that I threw her of the scent as she sighed and told me. "Un for me and une far moi Grandmama in law, ze is sery picky about vat seehhh rods." Sadly I nearly ruined my good work by making the books out to her and Mary before she told me her name and had to tell her tell Hen a big fib, which I must tell my publishers about before to next bio goes to print. "My Great grandmother zee vos Zycic. Zee predicted ze revolution but no von pad any attenzion!...." Vadna you see is a good old friend of the Tzarina's'. Henny suddenly got all sympathetic and snuffled into her hanky muttering "It is sue offal when zat appensss. Booby Crumwall!" Charlie dragged her off and I finally breathed a sigh of relief. Mrs Dingbat is short sighted so she wouldn't know if I came as myself.

The triplets grandmama visited but only Charles was in....

We had a lovely visit today from a charming old French woman who it appears is the triplets grandmama, sadly when she came only Charlie was in. We first spotted her stepping down from the carriage with about a million yapping puppies as we had our breakfast. We watched carefully as she huffed up their path and knocked dementedly at the door knocker. Despite the spring weather she was all bundled up in some kind of long white veil and a very chunky scarf. The rest seemed to be a mishmash of swinging crucifixes and embroidery after a while Charlie came to the door and exclaimed "Och Grannie so nice to see you". Moony and I were intrigued and so we snuck out under their hedge to listen once he had let her in. Much more prattling back and forth in French as she met Henny, Granny seems to speak the lingo. We couldn't make out much but she seems to have had her heart tattooed with Calais, now Moony and I couldn't be fonder and we have been several times on the ferry but this seems to be taking it a bit far. The Isle of Wight is very similar but Lord no one take her there if she gets that excited. Heaven only knows where she has tattooed the Lake District and other holiday spots! She seems to be called Mary and believes herself to be (rather pompous this ) "Queen of Scotland and the Isles". Mind you in this village its not so unlikely. She'd brought shortbread in a tourist tin which made her laugh "zee have doon moi, och it is sue fooony. Inover wer tatan." And you think that's Henny talking... It seems Granny is a bit French herself so what Granny says we have written in red.Very clever no? It seems also that Henny and the triplets come from some very close bloodstock ohh dear. I'm sure that if half of what Granny said was true the Vicar wouldn't have married them. No wonder they had to settle for the archbishop of Canterbury, whom ever he may be. Later we had to hide as Charlie decided that to take her out for a little walk as they left she said to him "I op zat you excuss zee scaf I have nutted it myself. I am zery caffty non! I had an acciden with moi neck." Charlie exclaimed "Snap" and rolled down his collar. We didn't get a good look but sh offered to "Nut you a mothcing one woth sooom fluffy wolllll !" Charlie didn't seem wild about the woolly scarf idea.

W.I day !

We had a lovely day today at the Guild , the Vicar judged my new chocolate coated sprouts as "most unusual delicacy ". I won a little cup and a ribbon which I shall wear on my hat . Henrietta won a Ist for her Rose Petal Cake ( see her book "The Queen's Closet Opened" ). Moony sulked horribly because her pickled locusts got no-where despite her winking at the Judge our dear President . He seems to be behaving well as he ignored Harley's request to dance at our little tea. Henrietta got the honour although she had to talk to his waist. He's a bit of a history buff so amazed her with his knowledge of English history after explaining to her is from The New World. She thanked him for potatoes but he looked very cross and shouted "Is that meant to be funny"? . We are still a little puzzled and she keeps sobbing. Charles is plucking up the courage to confront him. He drove off in a huff , well that's what Henny tells me although I thought he had a limousine .
We took Henny home and James stormed over to his office where he seemed to meet with a better greeting and learnt some history himself. He told Henny never to let William and Mary visit the office but is having a bust made of himself for The President's office. He graciously paid a visit to apologise to Henny and it all got a bit messy when he told her about a famine and she popped out to the kitchen and gave him a bag of potatoes. James explained in French to his Mama who blushed and tried to take them back .The President laughed and said he'd have chips later thank-you.Now Henny is puzzled as to why he is so fond of her James .
Charles has a theory that everyone in the village is dead and in fact it is a part of Heaven , how we laughed. If that is so who is Ida getting in touch with , the living ? We had a little seance later and got a message from someone called Ted for the President and a woman called Elizabeth for Charles .Elizabeth asked him if he'd mind her putting on a public exhibition of his Van Dycks to which he said "Oh Parliament sold those off dear " . "I have most back dear she said" . Charles takes that as a sign even though he doesn't really know who she was . Moony and I have never felt so alive especially after sampling Henny's Raisin wine .

All out on the lawn looking at the sky.....

The vicar had us all out on the village green last night with his trusty telescope and all our thermos flasks. Mooney and I had brought our deckchairs and picnic rugs and whilst we waited for the main event we did our impressions of the dear old Queen. I think Mooney did very well but really I suspect that she had come along only for the free drinks laid on by the Full moon and lunatic. As the moon slowly disappeared in a sheath of midnight blue and glowing silver complimented with dashing aplomb by Bramwells suit a charming creation of midnight blue silk with embroidered stars lovely disappearing moons. He'd made little Henny a dress as well which rather dazzled the eye with it's hazy navy chiffon and beading. Almost as loud as Henny herself who kept singing as loudly as her little lungs allowed "Tinkle Tinkle luttle star" Poor Milord looked in pain. It was a shame that they had brought the little ones with them as they kept shimmying up the vicars fruit tree. Mary and Ida spent much of the evening looking at the grass so I had to inquire what they were doing. Mary winked at me and announced "The dew of the full moon turned to healing oil by his power."Then she and Ida looked up and smiled beatifically. I didn't like to ask who he was but I guessed that they meant God or Thor or whom ever it is who makes healing dew. At least this explained all the bottles that Ida had brought with her. As the sky turned dark I felt the vicars hand on my shoulder... So of course I hit him with my handbag. I saw Hans at the edge of the green with a note book who would have thought that he was as interested in Lunar phenomenon as he is in planes!!!! Big Charlie was still in the bar so Milord went in to drag him out, a few minutes later he returned and told us we need not bother "aaaafff he haffff mmmettt a yyyyyyoung llllady. " Henny sighed but I think she was more pleased than disappointed. I had made some lovely pies for the event and was disappointed that no one had touched them but I was sure they would soon as the President had polished of all of Harlot Harley's little cream horns, how unseasonal. Henny must have been disappointed as well , she had made a game pasty which only Milord and the wee kiddies were eating. Mary excepted she had brought an sandwich made for her by Catherine the great from 'infinite matter'. Ooh how we gasped at the beauty of the Moon. Once the spectacle was finished we all rejoined to the Full Moon & Lunatic. Moony really enjoyed it there and of course their lovely 'Ooh where has the Moon gone' cocktail wasn't wasted on the rest of us. I couldn't help but wonder if somewhere somehow Woger was watching. Umm I must ask Mary and Ida. Ill wait they are so happy at the moment swigging their Moon dew for any ailment.....

Appeal for help from Your Vicar .

Brussels Sprout crises as farmers harvest too few.

There is a grave crisis now which we must face without fear and without reserve we as a people are now facing a Brussels Sprout shortage a threat that it is only possible to be terrified of. However now is the time when we must be at our bravest and seek help in our despair. Is it to much to ask of you to be lenient with your Brussels sprouts? No but there is one thing we can do as a people we must rally around to sign our names to a petition urging our government to declare this a national emergency because there is little good in what we are facing now at its best we will have fewer Brussels Sprouts and at worst we are facing a breakdown of all of our moral, cultural, political, and social boundaries we must act now before the whole moral fibre of our age is eroded that is why I plead and implore you to go and sign the petition put your name on the exquisite hand dotted (by my wife) lines as Mrs Nito social hub of our little village has so recently done with her fair and may I say lovely hands in her beautiful handmade gloves now it is your turn to do the same. This is not to say that you can use Mrs Nito’s lovely hands to sign as she can only use them for one signature you will have to use your own hands as my fair wife did some days ago.
Remember that if you do decide to sign my petition you will later be able to tell your grandchildren all about the day you saved England from a famine.
I find I must go now I hear my wife screaming in the kitchen and I suspect she may have burnt my dinner again but to all of you who read my article and to all those who have not yet to discover the cutting sprout parish news remember if you can my words and take them to your heart.
Yours truly, the Vicar

I have been thinking.

Since I met Mary and arranged to meet for the seance I have been thinking about my darling Woger. And as I struggled into the washroom I noticed his lovely gift sitting by the window. Some of Moonys gin bottles were in it but it was still a touching sight.

It took me a long time to work out how to operate it, true it was on the cutting edge of technology but.... I once tried washing Bramwell in it, the poor dear. I hope that he has forgotten the ordeal. Ohh well ....

Ida has a new friend...

Since Henny and Charlie have moved in we've quite got used to new faces in the village. Still I was surprised when I popped into Ida's cottage today to deliver her a new recipe plum and sprout cake and found an odd looking young woman sitting amongst the cats by her fire place and with her tea cup suspended in mid air. I knew at once from her dress and her face that she must be one of big Charlie's kids. I didn't know why Ida had invited her round until the dear girl announced "You have seen ectoplasm underwear, I would be so delighted if you let me put it in my book. I often wonder is the ether looking for spirits to help me in my healing but I have never been able to summon up under garments." A little more enquiry and I discovered that Mary (her name, Charlie's kids seem to have such repetative names!) was a faith healer. "I could restore Grandpapa to health but he does not trust the spirits". Moony who had come with me muttered "Ohh he did at christmas, Trusted in The famous Grouse a bit too much !!!!" I gave Moony a little kick as Ida and Mary were offering to give me a free seance and table lifting. I didn't think that a table lifting sounded very special. I lift the card table whenever we have a bridge party and I am not one iota closer to the spirits. But Ida is an old friend so I agreed to let her try to lift anything she liked. I hadn't noticed Mary trying to lay hands on Moony. "I cure your problem, the love of alcohol.... Ohh it will bring you to grief ..." Of course Moony didn't want to be cured I thought that Mary was in a trance until I noticed that Moony had knocked her unconcious. I grabbed Moony, promised that we would be back for the seance in the evening and bundled out of the door whilst Ida laid hands on Mary to cure any concussion. How embarassing! Tonight I may not bring Moony.

Duke of Kendal ...

Moony and I were having a lovely quiet read yesterday evening when I heard giggles again .This time a blond child was sitting in my sprout patch pulling them off the stalks . Moony stormed out and lifted the little dear by the ear ...he started to shout "I'm The Duke of kendal" at which point Moony shouted "I'm the Queen of Egypt , stick that in your pipe and smoke it" . "Dad won't let me 'ave a pipe Mrs so I knicks me uncle Charles' ". Moony stomped off to Henny's where an ashen faced Henny took the horror in . The next thing we heard was a lot of swearing in French between James and his dear Mama .Harlot Harley jogged past in her lycra and winked at James as he came out ...oh dear I can see trouble ahead for poor Henny and Im , Milord and Charles . I suppose having three Grandpas is a help at least .

Broken glass and hearts...

I have recovered from the incident with the help of Moony and dear Henny . I can't tell you how shattered my nerves were dear readers , not to mention my lovely casement window. This is what happened .I rushed out of the study to find broken glass all over the living room floor. I saw a small face at the window and heard dear Charles berating some child. I crouched nervously by the window and heard "James , James , Mary , Charlotte , Charles , Catherine , Anne, Charles , Henry , Charlotte , George , Barbara , Charles , James , Charles , Mary , Elizabeth you will knock and apologise to Mrs Nito this instant !". I thought he must have James's Primary school class with him .As it turns out those are his son Charles's children ( needless to say not all one Mama). I could not bear the thought of the little "darlings" in my house so pretended I wasn't in . Shortly after a glass-fitter arrived followed by Charles very worried and banging hard on my door . I flung it open to find his face redder than normal and him apologising like a mad thing. He rushed in asking for a broom then remembered he didn't know how to use one. A loud voice shouted "Pater what have me liitle darlings done now"? In came big Charlie and made amends by tidying and teasing me in a most flirtitious manner I must say ( no wonder the girlies go for him). The next day Henny came over with flowers , chocolates and a card drawn by the beasties with very bad spelling ( it was large as there are so many of them ). Charles asked me not to tell Nelly about the incident as she had already threatened to drop Charles out of a window if he didn't get a peership ( he is The Earl of Burford).Those poor parents , what did they do to deserve it !!! James I am told has Charles , Mary , James , Anne , Charles , Edgar , Henrietta , Catherine , Catherine , Isabel , Charles , Elizabeth , Charlotte , James , Louise , Henrietta , James , Henry , Arabella , Catherine and James .My goodness no wonder Henny has that birthday chart on her wall and Mrs Cox says she thought her M.I.L had problems with her husband's brother 's 9 !

Greetings dear readers..

As you know I have been a little busy so Charlie took over . I think he'll be busy for a while as I saw at least three of Young Charles' Children hanging off him at the park today.
I decided to stay at my darling Bramwell's cottage for a few days . His dear friend Boris was quite the charming host . He made fancies for tea ,served me breakfast in bed and knitted with me in the evenings. Bramwell was busy at the shop but I dropped in more than once and bought some lovely new buttons he had in for Moony.He has some enamelled Scarab buttons and a new hand-knit in Kaffe's "Papyrus" pattern for sale. I know Mrs Cox would adore that. Boris has a lovely patch of vegetables at the back but seems to think that vegetables other than sprouts should be grown. It was so lovely to sit and put up my feet without a shout of "gin" resounding in my ears all day . I did miss Moony at night so had a hot water bottle but the smell of all that embalming fluid can be quite awful . Oh , my goodness a window has been smashed ...I hear a Scottish voice shouting and giggles .....I must go and see.

Mrf Cox if out fo fhe can't edit me...

I hate how fhe taketh out my "f" and puteth in "s" . It if obvioufly wong .I know my own language thanketh-you. One had to pop in to fee Mohammed today about that little lie concerning the tea-cupf . He waf very underfanding and faid that it waf none of hif bufineff at all if I had friendf. He did blush and go red , I really hope he doefn't think I would be unfaithfull to
my dear little wife . He haf a lovely wife and fhe waf an arrangement too. I think we make lovely little arrangementf. Well I might be bufy af I have promifed Charlef I'd look after the bratf .I am sure your lovely Mrf Nito will be back foon . Charles R.

The New World .

I had a lovely little note from a Lady Pool this day in the Year of Our Lord 2007 ( don't tell Moony and Nito I realise we are not living in the 1940s) . Mrs Cox has shown me some wonderful pictures of a place called Maryland named after ( sniff) my beloved little wife . Then there are The Carolinas , North and South I believe . They are of course named after yours truly. If it wasn't that the place is a ..cough "Republic" I might move in .Mrs Cox ix a solid Republican but I still remain friends . In fact I am not in the least surprised she is . My "dear" Grand-daughters Mary and Ann were simply awful monarchs .As for the shock of finding out my sister provided the next line.....well I have hardly forgiven Rupert for losing Bristol to Parliament. Oh I know he is a lovely boy and tried his best but I lost my head over it .I must invite the boy over , he spent so long blaming himself for my fate .I think maybe I imposed a tax too far .Mrs Cox says the reformation just swept me away and what came after me was far worse . She is such a dear , for a republican. I do think Henrietta and I should visit this "America" .Maybe you could put us up Lady Pool ?, we only require 50 rooms , 20 servants , 10 carriages ( Limos they seem to be called). I'd stay at that beautiful building in Washington ( oh ..just like that mining town near Newcastle ). If only it wasn't occupied by a rather silly man . Mrs Cox says some very great men have lived there , a Mr Roosevelt she seems very fond of and a Mr Kennedy ( I am sure Henny would like him , a good Catholic I believe). My Palaces have had some fools in occupation , not the least some of my descendants ..er hem ). Charles Rex..."what do you mean Mrs Cox , I sound like a dog"?