Sunday, March 06, 2011

The writer is at home...

Ahh my dears a few days ago my muse struck me again, but then it serves me right for standing in the driveway whilst Moony was reversing. Anyway shortly after that I was inspired to take up my typewriter (only by five inches), I don't know if it was the bump on the head but I can't say I've been so inspired since that wonderful night five years ago when after falling down six flights of steps at the municipal baths (they haven't even got six floors so I don't know why they have so many stairs. that night I sat up, I wrote my first Romance " She was very, very poor, he saw her, she saw his house- Reader she married him!", my first Crime novel "Goodness it might be the knife sticking out or the steamroller that gone over, but I think the bounder might be dead!", My first knitting pattern book " Things I've pulled of my needles in a hurry" and my one and only sci-fi (not really my genre, my agent tells me. 'Leave it to H.G Wells') "The last hairdresser on Mars'".
All four went on to be big sellers and I was offered a massive contract, all I had to do was knock out five or six a year and i had it made. Well that hasn't been a problem at all, not with Moony supplying me with an endless parade of inspiration for my Detective Hatshepsutnut mysteries. He remains the only ancient Egyptian, mummified detective in bookshops to this day. Its not been hard finding inspiration for my romances either! I have always had a string of suitors and admirers! Well this January I finished of "The mystery of the body announced on the 6.45 to Chepstow", and I hope one of my eagle eyed viewers (who knew eagles could read) will spot who done it and send the answer to me because I've no idea though I never did like the look of professor Higgerson. When I went to hand the manuscript over to my publisher she mentioned something about how wonderful it all was and what was I going to do next? "Nordic Noirs very big right now." She smiled at me. "Have you thought of a Scandinavian detective?" Silly girl, I always thought she was a bit giddy. I quickly pointed out that there probably weren't all that many Scandinavian ancient Egyptians' though I'm willing to keep an open mind and she looked instantly baffled. "Well vampires are very popular in the romance department at the moment. Have you thought of that?" This sounded more promising, after all never has a man been so perfect, during the day he'll be laid out in his coffin so you wont have to worry about asking him to lift his legs so you can hoover under them and he'll be available to take you on moonlight walks by the seine. Downsides however include, you cant ask him to pop out for the paper before 9.00pm, the milkman will look at you funny when you put in your order, you won't be able to cook Italian food again, you'll have to get rid of your art books on the Sistine Chapel (by the way how id they fit a chapel into a cistern and isn't it ruined every time someone flushes?).
I did agree to have a go at a vampire romance but since getting home hadn't been inspired. then last night I awoke to a tapping at my window... My heart was seized with terror and curiosity. had I acquired a new muse, would he accept tea as a beverage. Luckily when I looked out it was only one of Cromwell's racing pigeons. Though you never know do you? But that little pigeon made my think. Think of England! Think of summer! Think of the beauty of the rolling countryside! Think of Moony and I! Think above all of Cumbria!
That's the moment at which i seized up my pen and began "My cupboard in Cumbria". Broadly its the story of impoverished bohemian writer ( ohh are you drawing comparisons too ?!) Varple Casterrs, she takes up a cupboard for the summer in the beautiful landscape of Cumbria along with her ever complaining butler Fobitts. One dark and stormy night a tandem crashes outside her cupboard and whilst tending the survivors ( alas the Eccles cakes didn't make it) she finds herself learning to love again and live again... I think it might be a classic. Must go then I'm on chapter seven, book prizes here I come!
Ohh by the way i received a call this morning from a man asking if he could give my books away.
" O I thought world book night was last night i said"
"Umm yes Madam, but I own I book shop, I just want to know If i can give your books away?"
" So more people will read them and see how wonderful they are?
" Omm something like that....?"
" Why by all means young man!" You see so many sweet fans out there, im quite overwhelmed!