Poor Mrs Cox.

Her osmoz kit arrived this morning . Mooney shuffled past and seeing the olibanum , myrrh and juniper oil she mixed herself a cocktail. The poor woman has been waiting ages for it to arrive from France. Henrietta stopped the sobbing by phoning a relative who is sending another post haste. She had her laptop with her so showed us some very nasty stuff about some snooty designer . Mooney called him snooty cow ( she needs new glasses or maybe not). Anyhow Bramwell is far more talented and he didn't get where he is by wearing bin bags .In fact he has some lovely fur. That singer is upsetting Mrs Cox again ( God we could do counselling). Mooney and Henny said she shouldn't care I mean who has friends are a Pharaoh and a Queen of England. He can crawl all he likes but Pharoahs are hard to find. George Fox had to take the poor distraught woman back to the border ( what she didn't know was that Mooney was in her trunk so she could "borrow" her best Ta'if rose .

There was a knock at the door.

" God moaning" said Henny .

" As it is bonk 'oliday I zought you might lick to cum to ze tea at our cttarge "

" Casulz attyres plose"

She turned and left and Mooney looked at me ...did she say casual dear because if that's casual I'm the Queen of Egypt ..errr King? We fell about laughing and I spent ages looking for my best Dior and Mooney her upper and lower nile crown.

Easter in Cutting Sprout.

Easter Sunday

"They'll let anyone drive these days!" I looked up from my copy of the local paper as Moony shouted this odd early morning greeting. Ohh dear I thought as she stalked into the breakfast room her dressing gown flapping dangerously near to one of the little Easter candles I'd lit so I quickly blew it out. "Look at that! " She announced in disgust as she placed the post in front of me. On top of the pile was a jaunty Easter card (I have enclosed a picture below) of a happy little bunny driving a giant Easter egg in his car. "It isn't even safe." She remarked as she cracked open her egg. "How can he even reach the pedals!" Ohh dear I think Moony may have lost a few more marbles in the night as i tried to point out the cards humorous message all she could do was look mystified... "I don't see that It's funny Nito dear, he' clearly a danger to himself and others." I gave up and presented her with her Easter egg specially iced with hieroglyphic Easter egg hunters . I return she gave me a chocolate pyramid, not quite entering into the spirit of the occasion but never mind it's the thought that counts.

I was delighted to see that my little angel Bramwell had sent me an Easter card as well, he has such pretty delicate taste and what a lovely yet surprising present for Mrs Bunny. (See Below) After Moony had finished the terribly slow process of eating her breakfast I left her seated in front of a special songs of worship broadcast, she never knows the tunes alas, and popped over to see what Henny and Charlie were doing. I found Henny sitting on a upturned bucket in a straw hat holding a score board whilst her grandchildren ran around the garden shrieking with excitement and riffling in Charlie's ohh so carefully planted bushes and flower beds. "Hollo Mrs Nitooo We is hoving an Easther ogg hont what is for finding the oggs." I'm still puzzled as to where people expect their eggs to have gone? Still the children were having very good fun so I said nothing far off in the distance I could see Charlie and Oliver trying to organise an egg and spoon race. This is another Easter mistake, you can race cars because they have engines but it is impossible to race either eggs or spoons as they don't have engines but does anyone listen to me?

I sat with Henny for a little while but then had to dash home as I noticed there was smoke coming from my kitchen windows or as dear Henny put it "Does vous nosees your winows is on firrr only zee is smocking."

I rushed in to find Moony had been trying to make hot cross buns. They were burnt but she was half successful, as she was very hot and more than a little cross.

Thankfully by Monday we were all to stuffed on chocolate to try anything adventurous... especially not baking. One thing I shall draw a veil over, the reverend Pine-Coffins sermon, least said soon as mended.

Easter morning at the cottage...

Well my dears, I've searched for my eggs, they were all in the fridge in the little box they came in.... I wonder where people expect them to go?

A lovely afternoon at the Cutting Sprout opium den.

Moony and I felt that the day was getting to be a bit of a drag especially after we were obliged to take the postman to hospital after Bunny met and "greeted" him on the lawn. Not to many stitches thank goodness. So we popped along to our villages lovely little opium den. Its so snug and lovely and the tea is free, such very good value. We settled down with our pipes and tea and began a little chat which as I recal started off being about our latest pickles and ended up being about wether or not llamas were better at flying than trees. You see how lovely and odd opium makes our lives. Anyway I was running short of tea and as turned to the waitress to ask for another pot who should I see but Mr Misery with the first smile we have ever seen on his face . Ohh my It turned out that he'd come in to lecture us poor waifs about the evils of our lives but had inhaled to deeply. He sat down with us and announced that he had seen the light.
" Mrs Nito!" He exclaimed. " I have seen the light, the universe is run by a group of super intelligent bunny rabbits who do smocking in their spare time and are all called Nim the magnificent!"
I'm not sure that I belive this but it is a rather nice thought. We took him home with us of course. He was in no fit state to drive his horse and buggy (then again neither was I) . Tucked up on the sofa he told Mrs Moony that she wasn't really the whore of Babylon but a very nice lady whom he personally thought was a bit stunning. Moony thinks he may have long term damage although she is flattered.
Must go now and visit the Postie, he is being discharged at last. The scarring should be mild....

Deep and crisp and even....

Christmas Eve, night
194?.....
Diary of Mrs G.J Nito
Cutting Sprout
Hello dear readers, felicitations of this joyful season.
Here I sit in my little study as much festive noise excites and alarms me without (who knew Moony knew how to play twister?) writing this, my Christmas diary. What a lovely few days we've been having here .... Shall I begin on Monday...
I awoke bright and early but could not find my glasses, no matter I thought to myself, I'm only going shopping and as I well know Mr Dingbat, Mr Wobble and Mr Fryer are so helpful in matters of choice (I decided to shop locally this year as it means so much to our local shopkeepers). As one would expect I took my abloutions (whatever they are, I say I took them because Moony asks if I have or not. In fact I use the time to take a bath. I dare say they are some sort of new health pill), Folded back my counterpain (so much easier since I discovered that it was not the window, you try folding glass) and decided upon an outfit from my extensive wardrobe. I have many things in there which were given to me as gifts and which I'm afraid I would never dream of wearing and then there was that red outfit I had won in the raffle last winter.... Anyway, I came down, put on the bacon for breakfast... Took off the bacon and cooked it (still don't know why one should put it on first but it's in the cookery book woger gave me so I do it that way). Not long after it's smell began to waft upstairs Moony dragged herself down, one hand searching for cigarettes in her dressing gown pocket, the other trying to tease her hair into some sort of style. For some reason when she saw me she stopped dead (or do I mean she stopped alive here?). "Nito are you feeling quite alright?" I was surprised by this as of course I felt quite well... wonderful in fact and told her so. But she persisted until I decided I might as well go out and leave her. I supposed that it was the hallucinations again...
As I left the postman fainted on next doors steps so I tucked a tonic of my own invention under his arm, they do work them so hard!
Charlies jaw dropped as I walked past and his cereal dribbled out of his mouth... you know I don't think they sewed his head on well at all...
People must have been hitting the old tipples a little hard in anticipation I thought to myself. Finally I reached Dingbat, Wobble and Fryers. I never knew that Mr Dingbat was a religious man but as I came in he crossed himself, I went up to him and he grew very pale and shrank back against his display of Mrs Ramsbodie's traditional farmhouse plum puddings (I think that she should put a photo of herself on the tin but she says she is to shy). "Now honestly Mr Dingbat, if you go on like that you'll be worn out by Christmas!! I suppose I'll see you at midnight Mass?" he gave the oddest answer, "If they let you in the church this year Mrs Nito!". Well I did what anyone would have done in that position... I walloped him with my basket. Never the less I took several of Mrs Ramsbodie's puddings. They are so very luxuriant and indulgent.... I was not put off, despite peoples strange reactions I carried on shopping. Chesses, meats and gifts piled up in my basket and at every counter I recieved some strange looks. I began to suspect that without my glasses I had chosen as a hat Moonys frillys or had put my lipstick on a little high.
Eventually I had everything that I wanted and made my way home. By then the postman had recovered and gone but Henny and Charlie were now pressed up against the window of their house and as I passed Charlie pointed me out... How strange I thought, they are both usually so polite. I opened the door, spotted Moony hiding behind the sofa, well I thought I'll leave her there if she must be strange, so be it. Dinner needed putting on and I was not going to play games. As I entered the kitchen I saw my glasses lying on the shelves where I house my pudding dishes. How careless of me I thought and popped them on so I could better light the oven. As I bent down I caught sight of myself in the shiny, mirror like surface of a biscuit tin. For a moment I stared dumbstruck and then with a piercing scream I fainted....
When I came round I found myself looking into the face of good old Moony... " I told you you looked strange" she said and I had to agree....
I had put on the red raffle outfit.... I had been wearing red....


Tuesday:
After some strong tea and a good nights sleep I was well enough recovered to accompany Moony and Bramwell on the annual hunt for our Christmas tree (I love Christmas trees as they are about the only green thing that come Christmas everyone wants) .... Into the woods we trekked, Bramwell had brought that nice strong friend of his Ivan to drag the tree home and a picnic for the search. Moony as always made straight for a weird lopesided tree that through her drunken haze must have looked very attractive and insisted that it was the one we should have... We ignored her and carried on looking. We saw big ones and small ones, fat ones and thin ones and then finally we found it.... The tree, very green, the right size, beautiful.... So we chopped it down and home we went to decorate it's merry branches. Shame I sent Moony up into the attic to find the decorations as we now have many fewer than last year but nevermind! Anyway I read an article In Womans Bi-weekly in which they suggested thousands of pretty gift ideas all made from broken ornaments... Now I have all the broken ornaments that I could want and with a few touches and some glue... well.

Today it's Christmas eve, we've opened the sherry invited our neighbours in and baked a lovely fish dinner later we shall go and celebrate the birth of Chesses... Ohh sorry spelling mistake I mean Jesus... I shall make another entry in the New Year and tell you how it's all gone. Now I must run, Henny was trying to climb the Christmas tree and from the sound of it she's got stuck... also I'm sure I heard Moony say she was going to set light to the sherry trifle...
Moony no! Put it down... Ohh well... Charlie would you like to borrow my eyebrow pencil? No? Ohh well I think you look alright without them... Ohh maybe a little startled.

So Christmas has started .

There was a tremendous bustle , shouting , screeching of brakes etc outside the cottage yesterday. I looked out and Neff. had arrived to visit her daughter ( who I might add was over several odds in bed). We loaded her luggage in the loft , garage , Henny's garage and the Church hall. As we sat trying to watch "Poiret" she heard knocking on the wall and looked very worried. We explained we were hiding a rebel ( she loved that after all her husband was a rather big one). We opened the Priest hole and passed Mrs Cox her tea and marmalade toast. As soon as it got dark we let her out as she wished to pop over to chat to Henny .She's looking a bit crushed poor dear .We put " Manifesto" on for her but she started screaming "trash, trash oh my God trash" . Neff dragged in the bin and sat back down as Mrs Cox ran. Two minutes later Neff started screaming too so we popped on some carols .I think it's going to be a long run up to Christmas. Mrs Cox says Henny has a whole cottage under hers for catholics to stay in so the Cox family can join her ( she still gets that nervous feeling that she should hide all the time poor soul ). The almighty one is being quiet but his fans are stalking her blog. Neff says she loves a good heratic ( sadly she meant the biscuit brand not Mrs Cox).