Friday, March 30, 2007

A little bet..

Charlie and Ollie popped off unseen to the betting shop today. Charlie put a fiver on The Gay Cavalier to win 10-1 and Ollie on Ranter 30-1 .It turned out that Ranter got a bit of a speed up and won . Ollie generously took Charles and Henny out to lunch .Unfortunately James saw them eating and dragged Ollie out of the cafe . The local Policeman P.C Sloth had to charge James with causing an affray . His shouting "he killed my father" didn't help as his father was standing there looking embarrassed . He has tried to explain they are in Heaven now but James has issues. He had to have iodine applied to his black eye by Mrs Moony and the dentist Mr Pullum will see him tomorrow.

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

Henny takes advantage of her 25% off coupon.

At "A Bit off the Top" to have her curls re-set.

Monday, March 26, 2007

Henny's terrible shock.

Henny decided to pop off to Purple Sprouting to the organic farmer's market last Friday. She came back pale and shaking. There was a frantic knocking at our cottage door , setting Bunny off barking . She was leaning against the door post and muttering "Cromwell" . As she was choosing some fresh sprouts for me a broad Norfolk accent enquired after her health. He called her Mrs Stuart , of course. She says she turned and saw the warts and her legs gave way. Oliver caught her and asked her to have a coffee with him . She told us she just sort of followed him into the cafe. He bought her coffee and a French tart and enquired after her husband, The temptation to shout at him was over-whelming. Anyhow he started to apologise and ask her forgiveness. She swears by the end she almost accepted. It all ended with him telling her he runs a hairdresser called "A Bit off the Top" and she could have a trim anytime for free. She giggled nervously at this . We had heard there was a new hair-dresser at P.S but had no idea who ran it. She said he seemed to have his usual pudding basin , hacked-off by his Mum look. He did mention he was on remand from Singe on Styx for 300 odd years of good behaviour. He was having anger management treatment and since the lithium was a new man. He escorted her to the bus but she was still in shock and not sure how Charles would re-act . I believe he forgave his murderers on the scaffold so there might be some hope.
Today Ollie turned up with a hoe at the cottage explaining he had to do 500 years community work at their house. Charles set him to paint the outside windows and settled down with his paper and some chocolate digestives. James popped home , saw the painter and said "hi" then realised who he was and dragged him off the ladder. Charlie rushed out telling him he must learn to forgive as Our Lord would. James said "Bugger Our Lord, I want to kill the swine" . Luckily big Charlie turned up and dragged James inside giving Ollie a small kick as he passed him. Charlie I came out with the arnica cream and Ollie said he understood , it was all part of his therapy.

Saturday, March 24, 2007

Invited to the vicarage for a cosy dinner

Moony and I were sitting down for breakfast yesterday when a thin black envelope rattled through the letterbox. Moony scooped it up hoping that it was a love note from an ardent admirer. If it had been it was clear he didn't have much to say for himself, but as time goes by I find that Moony's admirers have less and less to say. She tore it open and when she saw it was not what she had hoped for threw it into the scrambled eggs and went back to her corn flakes in gin. I picked it out and wiped it off, luckily it was still legible. In plain gold script it announced, "You are invited to an evening of cocktails and pleasures at the vicarage. Black tie and cocktail dress." I thought that the dress instructions seemed a bit odd but an evening at the Vicarage is always a welcome treat. Ignoring Moony who just wanted to slouch off to the "Full Moon and Lunatic" I ran across to Henny and Charlie's little cottage. They had been invited also and Henny had already thrown herself into finding the perfect outfit. The skirt seemed to be layered with peacock feathers that when she pulled a little string rose up like the plumage of those lovely mystical birds. Next to her Charlie looked a little plain in a black silk suit and peacock feather trimmed picture hat. But I actually thought he was looking forward to the party although he's much to dignified to say so. Henny offered to come along to "Dingbat Wobble and Fryers" with me and "Puk outt a noo evening goon." I of course had my heart set on something in green, so we popped up to the new Ladies attire department, where Henny flicked through the racks with me and plucked out some very daring creations. Until my eye fell on an Emerald green velvet with a silk Brussels sprout corsage the label said it was a rose but I know better, I did worry that a black tie would spoil the effect. I decided I'd better pick something Moony would like. I know how much Moony loves to reveal and dazzle. But well subtlety is my watch word, never mind that I decided whatever Moony wears Henny will well "steal the show". I found a gold lame blouse and flared skirt printed with Egyptians (how funny) all non Gin stain. The Dingbats know Moony too well.
As do I alas ,and it was no surprise when I found I had to wheel Moony to the vicarage in our trusty wheel barrow, too drunk to walk. The vicar had decked out his one tree with fairy lights which might have looked elegant if they weren't shaped like Minnie Mouse and Pluto. Mrs Vicar met us at the door with her oriental eggs which sadly we were obliged to eat as she was watching intently. Charlie, an aesthete ,had passed out after seeing the fairy lights so was spared Mrs Vicar's finger food he revived however after the first glass of "Bells" and led Henny in a tango across the lawn. Her feet didn't touch the ground. The rest of us gathered round the piano where the Vicar banged out show tunes until dinner. He kept looking at Mrs Moony and I and sighing for some reason although we were well behaved and unlike his other female guests we had remembered to wear our black ties. Thankfully dinner was laid on by The Vicars lovely Cook Mrs Dumpling and not Mrs Vicar so it was edible and of course for me she had included Brussels sprouts. Ohh but my darlings what a revelation came after dinner when the Vicar rose to propose a toast and announced " My dears I have a surprise for all of you, I know you will miss me but I am going to Africa to take up a missionary position!" Henny could be heard to whisper "Why do you have to go to Africa?" And Charlie began to laugh hysterically. I think it took the wind out of the Vicar's sails a bit. I fear the vicar may have to return if there is an uprising. The rest of the evening progressed well, Dr De-ath led us all in a chorus of for "he's a jolly good fellow". Charles got rather tipsy again and his black tie began to slip revealing a row of big stitches which Henny tried to cover up using her fur shrug when they left.

Sunday, March 18, 2007

What a joy

Darling Bramwell took me to his lovely little boutique and unveiled this. A daring Brussels sprout ballgown. Ooh I nearly wept with delight. It fits like a glove and even Moony thought I looked enchanting. I'll wear it to the Vicars balls!


My goodness dear readers those "steps" turned out to be some very pretty platform shoes ! Henny was delighted as she is now the same height as Charles , Im and Milord. She does have trouble walking in them but Rupert ( just like a son to her) has invented a "Zimmer" frame for her so she cuts quite a dash ( no a crawl in fact). Lizzie, Henry , Mary , Ann etc all arrived with flowers and chocolates. Mooney's cake fooled her and she is very happy. I am about to be picked up by Bramwell in his little run-around car. I hear Boris wove his Mama a shawl , how thoughtful. I will let you know later what my surpise is .

Mother's Day here .

Dear Bramwell tells me he has a surprise for me after Church , I simply can't wait. I hope things are going well at all the other house's in the village with mothers old and young. I could hear a lot of noises from Henny's this morning .Then a lot of wailing so I hope those boys of hers havn't let her down. I know James was inventing something called a "step" as Mummy is so short.
Mrs Mooney looked sad this morning as her darlings ( all at boarding school in Switzerland) really don't care. I can't say she was a great mother but even so ..well Henny has made a lovely cake for her simply soaked in gin which she had sent to Switzerland and re-posted here. I expect Helen will be boasting all around the village that she had the most wonderful flowers , cakes , books etc .
I will post again later when I find out what my surprise is ...oh dear big Charlie has just been thrown out by his dear little Papa . A shout of "If ye canna be bothered don't come here asking for sugar" followed with him. I expect his gambling debts are causing strife again or he's had another .....err baby . I doubt Henny got a thing , let's hope James arrives soon .

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

Hello My Dears....

Well If any of you have ever wondered how Moony and I keep ourselves in Warm winter bed socks then you should have popped along to the Cutting Sprout bookshop Strange Barrows For my signing Session. Yes My dear I do scribble for a living under the alias of Dame Vadna Sprout. This year I've made it into the Mothers Day bestseller list, with a lovely little romance set against the heady backdrop of disinherited heirs on a Brussels Sprout farm, my heroine very like myself, and my hero very like Woger dream of owning their own sprout farm, much as I too did. Bramwell, so talented, designed the cover which I will be unveiling soon, so that you can all see his talent. So I found myself today popping down to Strange Barrows in a wig and dark glasses, very few people in Cutting Sprout know my secret but that doesn't stop Moony hoping for a discount. She always sulks when I ask her for the full price! I was delighted to see so many of my friends in the queue including little Henny who was rather dwarfed by the hard back edition until she collapsed under the strain and Charlie switched it for a paperback, very wise as I was afraid that she might be crushed. When she got to me she gave me a suspicious lookj and asked "Ave I Mot you beefoor !" I of course shook my head and put on the voice I always use. Vadna you see must maintain her air of mystery or people would confuse her with Edna De Boody My crime fiction writer alter ego. "I errr Noo My dear I do nooot zink zat is zery likey. I keep myself to myself to write my novelz..... Maybe you knew my huzband ze count ?" I think that I threw her of the scent as she sighed and told me. "Un for me and une far moi Grandmama in law, ze is sery picky about vat seehhh rods." Sadly I nearly ruined my good work by making the books out to her and Mary before she told me her name and had to tell her tell Hen a big fib, which I must tell my publishers about before to next bio goes to print. "My Great grandmother zee vos Zycic. Zee predicted ze revolution but no von pad any attenzion!...." Vadna you see is a good old friend of the Tzarina's'. Henny suddenly got all sympathetic and snuffled into her hanky muttering "It is sue offal when zat appensss. Booby Crumwall!" Charlie dragged her off and I finally breathed a sigh of relief. Mrs Dingbat is short sighted so she wouldn't know if I came as myself.

Saturday, March 10, 2007

The triplets grandmama visited but only Charles was in....

We had a lovely visit today from a charming old French woman who it appears is the triplets grandmama, sadly when she came only Charlie was in. We first spotted her stepping down from the carriage with about a million yapping puppies as we had our breakfast. We watched carefully as she huffed up their path and knocked dementedly at the door knocker. Despite the spring weather she was all bundled up in some kind of long white veil and a very chunky scarf. The rest seemed to be a mishmash of swinging crucifixes and embroidery after a while Charlie came to the door and exclaimed "Och Grannie so nice to see you". Moony and I were intrigued and so we snuck out under their hedge to listen once he had let her in. Much more prattling back and forth in French as she met Henny, Granny seems to speak the lingo. We couldn't make out much but she seems to have had her heart tattooed with Calais, now Moony and I couldn't be fonder and we have been several times on the ferry but this seems to be taking it a bit far. The Isle of Wight is very similar but Lord no one take her there if she gets that excited. Heaven only knows where she has tattooed the Lake District and other holiday spots! She seems to be called Mary and believes herself to be (rather pompous this ) "Queen of Scotland and the Isles". Mind you in this village its not so unlikely. She'd brought shortbread in a tourist tin which made her laugh "zee have doon moi, och it is sue fooony. Inover wer tatan." And you think that's Henny talking... It seems Granny is a bit French herself so what Granny says we have written in red.Very clever no? It seems also that Henny and the triplets come from some very close bloodstock ohh dear. I'm sure that if half of what Granny said was true the Vicar wouldn't have married them. No wonder they had to settle for the archbishop of Canterbury, whom ever he may be. Later we had to hide as Charlie decided that to take her out for a little walk as they left she said to him "I op zat you excuss zee scaf I have nutted it myself. I am zery caffty non! I had an acciden with moi neck." Charlie exclaimed "Snap" and rolled down his collar. We didn't get a good look but sh offered to "Nut you a mothcing one woth sooom fluffy wolllll !" Charlie didn't seem wild about the woolly scarf idea.

Thursday, March 08, 2007

W.I day !

We had a lovely day today at the Guild , the Vicar judged my new chocolate coated sprouts as "most unusual delicacy ". I won a little cup and a ribbon which I shall wear on my hat . Henrietta won a Ist for her Rose Petal Cake ( see her book "The Queen's Closet Opened" ). Moony sulked horribly because her pickled locusts got no-where despite her winking at the Judge our dear President . He seems to be behaving well as he ignored Harley's request to dance at our little tea. Henrietta got the honour although she had to talk to his waist. He's a bit of a history buff so amazed her with his knowledge of English history after explaining to her is from The New World. She thanked him for potatoes but he looked very cross and shouted "Is that meant to be funny"? . We are still a little puzzled and she keeps sobbing. Charles is plucking up the courage to confront him. He drove off in a huff , well that's what Henny tells me although I thought he had a limousine .
We took Henny home and James stormed over to his office where he seemed to meet with a better greeting and learnt some history himself. He told Henny never to let William and Mary visit the office but is having a bust made of himself for The President's office. He graciously paid a visit to apologise to Henny and it all got a bit messy when he told her about a famine and she popped out to the kitchen and gave him a bag of potatoes. James explained in French to his Mama who blushed and tried to take them back .The President laughed and said he'd have chips later thank-you.Now Henny is puzzled as to why he is so fond of her James .
Charles has a theory that everyone in the village is dead and in fact it is a part of Heaven , how we laughed. If that is so who is Ida getting in touch with , the living ? We had a little seance later and got a message from someone called Ted for the President and a woman called Elizabeth for Charles .Elizabeth asked him if he'd mind her putting on a public exhibition of his Van Dycks to which he said "Oh Parliament sold those off dear " . "I have most back dear she said" . Charles takes that as a sign even though he doesn't really know who she was . Moony and I have never felt so alive especially after sampling Henny's Raisin wine .

Sunday, March 04, 2007

All out on the lawn looking at the sky.....

The vicar had us all out on the village green last night with his trusty telescope and all our thermos flasks. Mooney and I had brought our deckchairs and picnic rugs and whilst we waited for the main event we did our impressions of the dear old Queen. I think Mooney did very well but really I suspect that she had come along only for the free drinks laid on by the Full moon and lunatic. As the moon slowly disappeared in a sheath of midnight blue and glowing silver complimented with dashing aplomb by Bramwells suit a charming creation of midnight blue silk with embroidered stars lovely disappearing moons. He'd made little Henny a dress as well which rather dazzled the eye with it's hazy navy chiffon and beading. Almost as loud as Henny herself who kept singing as loudly as her little lungs allowed "Tinkle Tinkle luttle star" Poor Milord looked in pain. It was a shame that they had brought the little ones with them as they kept shimmying up the vicars fruit tree. Mary and Ida spent much of the evening looking at the grass so I had to inquire what they were doing. Mary winked at me and announced "The dew of the full moon turned to healing oil by his power."Then she and Ida looked up and smiled beatifically. I didn't like to ask who he was but I guessed that they meant God or Thor or whom ever it is who makes healing dew. At least this explained all the bottles that Ida had brought with her. As the sky turned dark I felt the vicars hand on my shoulder... So of course I hit him with my handbag. I saw Hans at the edge of the green with a note book who would have thought that he was as interested in Lunar phenomenon as he is in planes!!!! Big Charlie was still in the bar so Milord went in to drag him out, a few minutes later he returned and told us we need not bother "aaaafff he haffff mmmettt a yyyyyyoung llllady. " Henny sighed but I think she was more pleased than disappointed. I had made some lovely pies for the event and was disappointed that no one had touched them but I was sure they would soon as the President had polished of all of Harlot Harley's little cream horns, how unseasonal. Henny must have been disappointed as well , she had made a game pasty which only Milord and the wee kiddies were eating. Mary excepted she had brought an sandwich made for her by Catherine the great from 'infinite matter'. Ooh how we gasped at the beauty of the Moon. Once the spectacle was finished we all rejoined to the Full Moon & Lunatic. Moony really enjoyed it there and of course their lovely 'Ooh where has the Moon gone' cocktail wasn't wasted on the rest of us. I couldn't help but wonder if somewhere somehow Woger was watching. Umm I must ask Mary and Ida. Ill wait they are so happy at the moment swigging their Moon dew for any ailment.....

Appeal for help from Your Vicar .

Brussels Sprout crises as farmers harvest too few.

There is a grave crisis now which we must face without fear and without reserve we as a people are now facing a Brussels Sprout shortage a threat that it is only possible to be terrified of. However now is the time when we must be at our bravest and seek help in our despair. Is it to much to ask of you to be lenient with your Brussels sprouts? No but there is one thing we can do as a people we must rally around to sign our names to a petition urging our government to declare this a national emergency because there is little good in what we are facing now at its best we will have fewer Brussels Sprouts and at worst we are facing a breakdown of all of our moral, cultural, political, and social boundaries we must act now before the whole moral fibre of our age is eroded that is why I plead and implore you to go and sign the petition put your name on the exquisite hand dotted (by my wife) lines as Mrs Nito social hub of our little village has so recently done with her fair and may I say lovely hands in her beautiful handmade gloves now it is your turn to do the same. This is not to say that you can use Mrs Nito’s lovely hands to sign as she can only use them for one signature you will have to use your own hands as my fair wife did some days ago.
Remember that if you do decide to sign my petition you will later be able to tell your grandchildren all about the day you saved England from a famine.
I find I must go now I hear my wife screaming in the kitchen and I suspect she may have burnt my dinner again but to all of you who read my article and to all those who have not yet to discover the cutting sprout parish news remember if you can my words and take them to your heart.
Yours truly, the Vicar

Friday, March 02, 2007

I have been thinking.

Since I met Mary and arranged to meet for the seance I have been thinking about my darling Woger. And as I struggled into the washroom I noticed his lovely gift sitting by the window. Some of Moonys gin bottles were in it but it was still a touching sight.

It took me a long time to work out how to operate it, true it was on the cutting edge of technology but.... I once tried washing Bramwell in it, the poor dear. I hope that he has forgotten the ordeal. Ohh well ....

Ida has a new friend...

Since Henny and Charlie have moved in we've quite got used to new faces in the village. Still I was surprised when I popped into Ida's cottage today to deliver her a new recipe plum and sprout cake and found an odd looking young woman sitting amongst the cats by her fire place and with her tea cup suspended in mid air. I knew at once from her dress and her face that she must be one of big Charlie's kids. I didn't know why Ida had invited her round until the dear girl announced "You have seen ectoplasm underwear, I would be so delighted if you let me put it in my book. I often wonder is the ether looking for spirits to help me in my healing but I have never been able to summon up under garments." A little more enquiry and I discovered that Mary (her name, Charlie's kids seem to have such repetative names!) was a faith healer. "I could restore Grandpapa to health but he does not trust the spirits". Moony who had come with me muttered "Ohh he did at christmas, Trusted in The famous Grouse a bit too much !!!!" I gave Moony a little kick as Ida and Mary were offering to give me a free seance and table lifting. I didn't think that a table lifting sounded very special. I lift the card table whenever we have a bridge party and I am not one iota closer to the spirits. But Ida is an old friend so I agreed to let her try to lift anything she liked. I hadn't noticed Mary trying to lay hands on Moony. "I cure your problem, the love of alcohol.... Ohh it will bring you to grief ..." Of course Moony didn't want to be cured I thought that Mary was in a trance until I noticed that Moony had knocked her unconcious. I grabbed Moony, promised that we would be back for the seance in the evening and bundled out of the door whilst Ida laid hands on Mary to cure any concussion. How embarassing! Tonight I may not bring Moony.

Thursday, March 01, 2007

Duke of Kendal ...

Moony and I were having a lovely quiet read yesterday evening when I heard giggles again .This time a blond child was sitting in my sprout patch pulling them off the stalks . Moony stormed out and lifted the little dear by the ear ...he started to shout "I'm The Duke of kendal" at which point Moony shouted "I'm the Queen of Egypt , stick that in your pipe and smoke it" . "Dad won't let me 'ave a pipe Mrs so I knicks me uncle Charles' ". Moony stomped off to Henny's where an ashen faced Henny took the horror in . The next thing we heard was a lot of swearing in French between James and his dear Mama .Harlot Harley jogged past in her lycra and winked at James as he came out ...oh dear I can see trouble ahead for poor Henny and Im , Milord and Charles . I suppose having three Grandpas is a help at least .

Broken glass and hearts...

I have recovered from the incident with the help of Moony and dear Henny . I can't tell you how shattered my nerves were dear readers , not to mention my lovely casement window. This is what happened .I rushed out of the study to find broken glass all over the living room floor. I saw a small face at the window and heard dear Charles berating some child. I crouched nervously by the window and heard "James , James , Mary , Charlotte , Charles , Catherine , Anne, Charles , Henry , Charlotte , George , Barbara , Charles , James , Charles , Mary , Elizabeth you will knock and apologise to Mrs Nito this instant !". I thought he must have James's Primary school class with him .As it turns out those are his son Charles's children ( needless to say not all one Mama). I could not bear the thought of the little "darlings" in my house so pretended I wasn't in . Shortly after a glass-fitter arrived followed by Charles very worried and banging hard on my door . I flung it open to find his face redder than normal and him apologising like a mad thing. He rushed in asking for a broom then remembered he didn't know how to use one. A loud voice shouted "Pater what have me liitle darlings done now"? In came big Charlie and made amends by tidying and teasing me in a most flirtitious manner I must say ( no wonder the girlies go for him). The next day Henny came over with flowers , chocolates and a card drawn by the beasties with very bad spelling ( it was large as there are so many of them ). Charles asked me not to tell Nelly about the incident as she had already threatened to drop Charles out of a window if he didn't get a peership ( he is The Earl of Burford).Those poor parents , what did they do to deserve it !!! James I am told has Charles , Mary , James , Anne , Charles , Edgar , Henrietta , Catherine , Catherine , Isabel , Charles , Elizabeth , Charlotte , James , Louise , Henrietta , James , Henry , Arabella , Catherine and James .My goodness no wonder Henny has that birthday chart on her wall and Mrs Cox says she thought her M.I.L had problems with her husband's brother 's 9 !