Arbathnot Towers.

Our local lord of the Manor lives here,his darling lady wife also used to reside in this stately home,known to be one of the worlds smallest but she mysteriously vanished two years ago and now he seems to have found what we belive to be the new Mrs Arbathnot-Nut. Of course like many stately homes the Arbathnot-Nuts have

had to open to the public and as the sign out front says" For tours please enquire with the cat, ghosts are extra". The cat (Sebastapol) turned out to be a surprisingly good tour guide once he had a little golf buggy and a tape recorded history he was away. But since Sebastapol is at the vets at the moment after being hit by a tour bus he was attempting to meet on the drive way, I have taken over. One thing I must say for the Arbathnot-Nuts home one does not want to be alone there at night. I'm saying nothing bad about the ghosts not that they aren't all on the take...but still. well anyway, I'd better get on with the tour, please do not take any of the inhabitants personal effects. There is a gift shop, you will enjoy the Wars of the Roses chess set and I have five of the little pens (so funny, shaped like Mary Queen of Scots you just unscrew the head to write). Now as we enter through the great front gates, no there is nothing special about them that's just how they are listed. Isnt this a rather lovely keep not much use in a place this small but still, on we go ahh now here we come to the hallway. Isn't it special, the small table on your right was made out of the wooden legs of soldiers from the Napolionic wars I'm afraid it wobbles a bit apparently they weren't all the same height ,across the way there is a portrait of the first Lord Arbathnot-Nut there are nausea capsules available but if you have a weak heart please don't look directly at it. No, no he wasn't a looker but he was terribly ruthless.Moving on now ,on the grand staircase which you may find just grand (little joke my dears) we have some more portraits note the family nose, its a wonder they could lift their heads and the canvases will get bigger as the silly beggers kept marrying really tall women . The family maintain that this early 15th century portrait proves that they have a prior claim to Lord Cardigan's idea and a prior patent on the Marks & Spencers design. Yes it does rather clash with the cod piece and breeches but it shows a lot of inspiration. Now the stately bedroom which has sheltered Queen Elizabeth I, King James I (its believed that the bites in the matress date from that time and were almost certainly all his own work ), Cromwell (notes on world domination scrawled on the back of the bathroom door are in his handwriting), CharlesII (the stains in the corner are his), Queen Anne (after her visit a specialist bed mender had to be called in ), Queen Victoria, and King Edward VIII (the other stains). The Arbahtnot-Nuts like to maintain their privacy so we will be going back downstairs where we can observe the great hall home of many a lavish banquet and where the family entertained King Henry IX, they still find chicken bones behind the cabinets. Ahh here it is, very long table isn't it, I see lord Arbathnot-Nut has left some of his campaign leaflets on the table. He's standing as an independent on a platform of free spam for all and no taxes on himself. Now one last stop the kitchens where we will see a re-enactment of traditional breadmaking....

Cutting Sprout Museum of antiquities and oddments

As assistant curator of the Cutting Sprout museum I've decided to take a little look back over our sweet little village's history. A little browsing in our gallery of notables with a guide book opened my eyes. Actually I had my eyes open already thats how I managed to get to the museum in the first place. I was rather drawn to an artists impression Sprovtikvs Desolatikvs our Roman town founder, as the guide book explained Sprovtikvs having been captivated by the humble Brassica set out to find a corner of the empire where he could fully indulge his passion for brassicas, in his new settlement of Cutting Sprout amongst the native tribe of Twa-wit he cultivated sprouts and wrote his 200,000 volume history of Brussels sprouts "Gloriovs Veg of Brussels" a text which experts seem oddly unwilling to read (silly fools, I've never been dissapointed by its contents even if volumes 376/ 490 are a little thin on recipes) . I was so taken in fact that I rushed downstairs to examine his famous temple mosaic. Never before have I seen such a hymn of art. Brussels sprout nymphs frolicked gayly in fields just for them. A lovely Brussel sprout Venus floated in the clouds above the town motto. "Ohh Brussels by the grace of the God's Nectar." Ohh glorious man! I felt quite faint with jubilation, I did'nt dare take in the Brussels arch today, just to much excitement!