Tuesday, July 24, 2007

That Rupert Everett has upset our Holly.....

Mooney and I are out for blood . I am starting to see red ! Anyhow I popped over the Henny's house to discuss the problem and how we could cheer her up. As I was rattling on about "upper-class swine" I noticed tears welling up in dear Henny's eyes. "I am zo zorry mon cher , I shall pok and lov ". It was a while before I realised I was talking to a dead Queen of England , daughter of France , Medici etc. I had to apologise too , we chatted about how well we got on despite my parents being campesinos who once picked sprouts for a living. Henny "tactfully" said that I could never understand what it was to be beautiful but that it is not all good. "I never noed if poople zey lofed me for myzelf or my tittttle " . I could see the problem for a brief moment then tactlessly said "but Henny dear I didn't think anyone in England liked you at all" . This brought on floods of tears and I had to apologise . "Well she said , it waz noot becoz of my 'ats zat zey ated moi eh" "When you are royale ze iediotts wil fellow vous whatefer vous wheras . I only ad to chunge me air-stile and zome twat would copy it . Dying ze air brun becomed ze zing to do , trying to be ze tinnnny pezon was ard for zome but most amuzing to witch. I could ave vorn a piggie on me ead and zey would ave zaid it waz ze beautie zing .At this Henny cackled , she had so many respiratory illnesses before she died poor love. "I wil tak to ze olly wan she waks oop , zey are not zo keen on yoo when ze cards zey are doon , zat is ow ze fashinably ppes was , I was onllle poplar gain whan Charlie 2 was retorred..zer ..figh !

Monday, July 09, 2007

The mast is erected !

This weekend Moony and I zipped down to the opening of the new radio mast. The Vicar had tried to find a celebrity willing to come to our village but alas he was disappointed apparently they were all off at some sort of concert, so we had to settle for Lord & Lady Arbathnot-Nut. So now wer’e on air, the first broadcast is transcribed below. (Henny was so wonderful stepping in to read the news at the last moment)

Dum de dumm dumm, dumm de dum dumm de de dummm

“Welcome dears it’s exactly 9.00 of the clock and you must be listening to Cutting Sprout F.M. If you weren’t you wouldn’t be able to hear me of course. I’m your vicar the right Rev Pine-Coffin and it is my great pleasure to hand you over to Mrs H. Stuart at the news desk.”
“Allo tis moi Henny I am spocking to vous today about ze news. Sittings of a mysterious creature on ze moors which is very fritning ave increased so stay in and hid under ze bed.
New reports in zat ze Harlot Harley she as larddered her Stockings on ze zay to ze shop, I do not zink it was un accident!
Charles Stuarlt he remains the handsomest man en cotting sprout by mills.
Ze Vicar he is planting ze fresh flowers in his boders, so I have some competition for moi planting scum I see. No No fear Henny vill vin ze vallage show with moi begonias .Sinnin orf ,ave ze good-dayz.