Ohh dear new villagers.....

Moony and I always like to begin our day with a nice brisk walk .' No dear I think you'll find that you like to have "a nice brisk walk." I like a little trot to the FULL MOON & LUNATIC. Anyway dears just as we rounded the corner of the village village green Henny rushed up to us waving her little hands in the air. Carried on the breeze I could hear her calling out, "Musses Nuto, Musses Money stoop I wall goe wath yo. I ave tebbile nose .... My son he as cum to luve in ze vollage. Chills is furious! He as brut his stumpet wath im Nelly! I nod your holp! " Kindly samaritans that we are we could'nt begrudge her our help, and as she seemed reluctant to be seen in public, "I doughnut noo whan ze are cumming!" we all ducked into the fullmoon and Lunatic . Over a nice glass of shandy which she seemed to enjoy a little to much. Henny kept looking wistfully over the bar at the vodka bottle, But then again so did Moony. Henny poured out her difficult family story, how twisted. It seems both of her boys are in Moonys words "After any old bit of skirt going " It also seems that as a result Henny has a lot of Grandchildren. "Petite Bastars!" When I told Henny that this was a very out of date way to refer to the poor mites, it was'nt their fault after all but Henny snorted. "I don't mon zat kind. Ze are just Dedful. Anne is Ze wust ! And I am nut sur abot ze Duke Ouef Monmouth! He as ze shufftey ayes " I'm afraid that I thought that this was an awfully pretentious name for a small child and no doubt half the problem . But I'm all for family harmony so we told Henny that we'd come and see her Son with her. Moony nodded wildly and I began to doubt her motives. Henny seemed very relived, " You wall holp me sue moch. Chills he as nut spoken toe Chills for sue loooong !" I was a bit puzzeled surely its a good thing that he does not speak to himself ? I asked Henny and she looked blank for a long time and then said "noo Our son is culled Chills!" How original . Some hours later Henny burst into our little abode whilst Bramwell and I were doing our church flower arrangements. Moony had passed out on the lawn so she knew we were in. "Ze are ear !" I whipped off me pinny, Bramwell initially puzzled but after a few moments became intrigued and after wrestling Muffy into her stylish little fur trimmed coat and bonnet went to poke his aunt awake with a broom (it has to be done she can be vicious when shes drunk). It was a bit of a squash pottling down to the new council houses in our little Austin, Henny stayed well down beneath the car seats and Moony stayed slumped on Bramwells shoulder telling him he was her favourite nephew until he informed her that he was her only nephew and she burst into tears. We pulled up outside a rather nasty mock Tudor house. Children hung out of the windows and a sluttish looking woman in lycra leggings and a very low cut blouse screamed at them to. "GET IN YOU LITTLE BASTARDS !" I noticed a rather older man in odd bloomers which I thought were rather odd. I was even more surprised when he rushed at Henny and picked her up saying "Hallo Ma !" No wonder Hennys kept so quiet about her family before. Moony leered chirpily at him then passed out again over the back seat. Thank-goodness we didn't let her drive this time. The tatty looking woman introduced herself as Nelly and asked if we'd like a cup of tea. I couldnt say that we did but it seemed rude to say no. After seeing their house inside I thought Moony had taste. Everything was gold or quite clearly from certain shopping channels and I was fair scandalised by the painting of Nelly in the living room, Bramwell covered Muffys eyes. She may be a dog but she is very sensitive. The tea cups were just dreadful naff little Versailles prints. I could see why Charles, Him or Milord had'nt come to lend their support as they dare I say it, have excellent taste and excuse me but...Nelly does not. Little Henny kept blushing, everything was so appalling. I tried to talk to Charles but he seemed to only want to talk about the dog and horse races and bless me but as a lady I do not partake of such diversions. Bramwell offered to help them decorate but Nelly screeched " Ohh no love, it is decorated. Well I know your sort have such lovely taste but well you get great deals down the pound shop. Don't you find. Bramwell looked taken aback and as a mother I knew his tone when he answered. "I've never been there. " I decided then was a good time to down my tea. Well all the kids had suddenly rushed to the t.v and popped 'watch with mother' on very loud. We made our goodbyes and scapered with Henny who kept apologising. I don't blame her and maybe deep down they're quite nice but I won't be going back there in a hurry!