My leg is playing up so ....

I couldn't go to Church this morning ( I had ricketts as a bairn and sometimes I still suffer). So Henny went off with Mrs O'Leary to the little Catholic Church at Purple Sprouting and I stayed at home. The paper was full rrrrrrrubish as usual , those Prime Ministers and other such nonsense and not enough about that nice Elizabeth. So I got my binoculars out and sat in the window. Moony ( being a Pagan ) had waved off Mrs Nito to our little churrrrrrrrrrrrrrch .It wasn't very long when Wodger arrived and I noticed the curtains upstairs were pulled ( not the only thing). Wodger left and Ahmed from the Antiques shop arrived , no scandal alas as he seemed to be collecting artifacts ( probably to pay her drinks bill). Some of those awful kids that hang about called things through our letter box "were gonna half your head off " for instance . I swear Mr. Misery puts them up to it .Shortly after I'd made myself a cuppa a knock at the door and Mrs Lockett stood there , "your little wife in then"? . I told her no and she barged past me and took a seat on the couch throwing off her coat and hitching up her skirt . "Oh I love what you've done to your 'air lovey ,red's me favourite and so soft ain't it " . Luckily I heard the key in the back-door and James came in ( having got interested in an experiment he'd forgotton Mass). I have never been so glad to see the boy. "Alright" Pa he said looking hard at the awful woman .
He told me he'd been in The Full Moon and Lunatic last week when her and some of her cronies were discussing how I was the best catch to arrive in this village for years .James chuckled and said " must have been sparse times eh pa" . I am not sure that was a compliment but then I heard that lovely "yo-hooooooo cheri c'est moi " .Henny gave me a big hug and then noticed two tea-cups . I am no good at lying but couldn't bear to have her get the wrong idea so I lied and said Mo ( as we call Mr Ahmed) had popped in ( I must warn him tomorrow).