Ernie B. Del-ivered (post man)I am afraid that my note hear is by way of sorry apology for it seems that on the night of the 27th december I was intrusted to deliver this christmas letter from your dear correspondent Mrs Nito. However I somehow found myself in the FullMoon & Lunatic (our local pub) and in the thrall of the charming Mrs Moony. I neglected to deliver this christmas salutation but all is corrected now I hope.
Mrs Nito
21 Nutting lane
Cutting Sprout
Veggieshire.
Hello my dears'
One and all, like our dear king you will find I make my annual Christmas address unlike the king I however can not command the powers of wireless and television to address, alas. Instead now I seat myself here at my desk on this charming Boxing day, Moony has nipped out and when I took a look at her receding figure outlined so clearly against the snow she seemed to be heading in the general direction of the "Public house", so we won't be seeing her for a while and the last of the turkey has been worked into a charming recipe of my own I call it "Sprout merrily with meat" and I'm sure that mad I mean merry monarch Henry 8th wound have darn well approved wholeheartedly. Although I do not know how Moony came by a Turkey on the american army base I did not know that they travelled with native wildlife (maybe they get homesick), maybe it had had escaped from a local farm as all our neighbours had to make do with a nasty mixture of goose and goat in jelly.
I will not say that this past Christmas day was in any way, shape or form a disaster and I think you will have noticed that I am that type of resourceful lady who can seize victory from the teeth of disaster faster than you can say "sprout thank you at a dinner party". The evening of christmas eve was as ever spent at the Cutting Sprout village players nativity. It is fortunate that the local paper does not run reviews as more than one amature thespians dreams of fame would almost certainly have been shattered. Between you and I, I had no idea that Mary had any musical numbers but dear Henny seems to think there were and we must humour her (she has had such a hard life poor dear, but I am sorry to say that it seems that whichever of her husbands she brought with her fell asleep and had to be prodded by myself or rather by my umbrella.) Then we had the bliss of sherry and cocktails at the vicars and all felt rather wild with our gin slings(in Moonys case slung all over the place). Charles had to be dragged home after he began to sing Danny Boy, weep loudly and declare his un-dying love for the Vicars wife who went quite pale and began to wack him with her mothers silver tea tray more damage to him than the tray.I think DR De-ath had to be sent for but never fear paracetamol a good nights sleep sorted him out. Moony and I finally left after Lord Arbathnot suggested we play Cluedo, well we're on to you my dear! The next Morning I awoke to find a misshapen stocking at the end of my bed and a misshapen Moony at the end of it but once she'd woken up she showed me what I'd got for christmas. Well my dears I must say I was rather touched by Moonys thoughtful little gift. Some tickets for a lovely ariel tour of Belgiums Brussels sprout growing fields, a big improvement on last years gift ( big bright red wool socks full of minature Teachers whiskey bottles -all empty-). I was not impressed at the time and this year I dropped some really heavy hints about how Woger always gave me something very "now" and very special. Like a washing Machine and chocolates (pity I didn't remembered to take them out before I put on the washing, at first I thought the results were rather poor with this new technology). I gave her something I thought she could really use membership of the AA I don't think she really got the right end of the stick, when I gave it to her she remarked. "Ohh how lovely I'll never have to worry about the car breaking down again!" At the time I wondered I this might be one of her drinking "triggers" and made sympathetic noises'. I recieved such a lovely gift from my little Bramwell, why I almost cried, delicate emerald silk beaded gloves. The dear little mite! Moony unwrapped the six liter bottle of Brandy Henny left for her and staggered to her armchair to enjoy the kind of Christmas she lives for, whilst I slipped into the kitchen to prepare the turkey and more in importantly the Brussels Sprouts (Christmas is special for me, everyone has to eat Sprouts WHETHER THEY WANT TO OR NOT!) The screech of brakes roused me from my merry stuffing and horror of horrors when I looked up and beheld Neff heading for the door, Chauffer and dogs in tow. Moony took one look and went to hide in the cupboard under the stairs, I of course was left to let her and her entourage in. Perfum and ciggarette smoke hung in the air like a lead weight,Bunny (Moonys jackle actually passed out and spent several minutes twitching on the floor). Neff discovered Moony when she went to put her coat away and Moony quickly lied that she just loved reading the meter. Of course Neff didn't belive a word of it, I saw her face! She took over our spare bedroom and in a few brief minutes it was transformed into a sun temple and her records' were being played a little to loud, her poodles running a little to wild -with my carpet slippers-. Moony had dissapeared with the Chauffer and Neff was soaking in the tub when Bramwell turned up carrying dear sweet muffy, his sky terrier who showed her nasty side laying into the poodle with gusto in spite of her frilly hand made gingham Dorothy dress (I may have cheered at this point but I had every justification). I think Bramwell was a little shocked by this sudden savagery but he collected himself to whip out his meringues, from the car boot. If only Harlot Harley could have seen them, light as air unlike hers which are dare I say a little heavy and rock like. He was such a help to me laying out the table with little green napkins he'd folded to resemble Christmas trees' and I for one love the colour green. We were all a little surprised when MiLord and Henny blew in, MiLord was wearing huge dark glasses and complained about his head when he heard Neff's music but after while he and she seemed to be getting on really well something to do with juggling the pressures of being a monarch and a God. We were just pleased that Neff was kept occupied, she loves the attention of a nice young man.
Post to be continued.
