Musings of a Moron

A Walk in the park...

2011-07-21T12:01:00.000-07:00

Hello my dears, so nice of you to pop in to my blog.

I' was just writing up my diary, how it casts my mind, back, back....

About yesterday afternoon, I'd just been rather busy in my study that morning, writing the latest instalment of a serial for the Cutting Herald, our local paper. but immersing myself in my little world can be very draining and I'd just emerged to restock my energy reserves with some of Moony's special blend coffee. I have tried other brands but nothing else makes one feel quite so.... Or see so many thinks. Anyway as I was shutting my study door I heard laughter coming from our sitting room, rather as if Moony was entertaining a lively German guest. Funny I thought to myself, I haven't even poured the coffee yet let alone drunk it, so that must be quite real!!! Ohh dear i hoped she hadn't got one of her gentleman friends in i always feel like a third wheel and I ask you where is one to get one at this time of day?

I hastened down the hall, delighted as I flung open the door to see that the garden was still there, then I flung open the sitting room door. There was Moony and Wupert of the Whine, our dear neighbour, he told me he had popped in for a cup of sugar and they'd gotten talking. About my serial as it happens, I can't think why I thought I heard laughter then after all my serial is a heartrending story of love and disaster. I must say Wupert has changed he seemed to have got a crew cut and i hoped he wasn't going to implicate Bunny's fleas, there were far to few last time we did a head count and I do dread a repeat of the boating trip flea disaster. He said nothing so I said nothing. I should have thought he'd have got them from his own dog, rather unimaginatively called Boy. It was lying on the sofa beside him and to look at it I would have said it was dead! Well it moved about as much, and it looked as if the moths had got to it. Again I said nothing, maybe it was ill or he had yet to accept it and move on. But whilst he was in the loo and moony was making tea later I decided to test my theory by taking it for a walk. I sprayed Bunny's collar with flea spray and clipped it on, donned my coat and out we swept. I can't say I felt confident, by the time we got to the high street there was still no sign of life - or err, whatever it is we have, I'm really not sure- most dogs are all over the place, sniffing and worrying things -I blame the recession- but Boy wasn't doing anything. On to the park where I let him of the leash, to my horror he just lay there.... Ohh dear! I sat on the bench, read the headlines from the local paper, read the sports pages even though I didn't know what it was all about, too much about inside leg spins for my taste- its not a tabloid- and the letters page, one kind person said they had never read anything like my serial, and they hoped it would be over soon. How sweet, they must be dying to know whats happening! After a while embarrassed I re attached the lead and began to walk back.

When I got in they both seemed to be looking for something, the dog I guessed.

'I'm so sorry to tell you Wopert, Boy's.... Well I think he's on the other side now....'

'Ja I know, the other side of the fence, I left him at home'

I sadly raised what was on the end of the leash.

'I don't think so, he's....'

I was baffled when Wopert started to laugh, ohh the grief must be terrible.

'That's not Boy!'

'I know.' I said. 'It feels like that when the life goes out of them....'

'No that isn't it Mrs Nito.... That's my periwig!!!'

With that he took it and put it on his head, suddenly there were his usual dark curls, a little bedraggled after their walk. Ohhh!!! I felt rather silly then.... Still um alls well that ends well... But you know I would never have guessed he wore a wig!!!

Dear friends and readers .

2011-07-18T23:18:00.000-07:00

I know I have neglected my site of late . What can I say ? Your hearts must be broken. I have worked too long on my latest novel and peculiar story .It is based on my late husband Woger's last fateful day . I must say no more but you will be stunned by the end . I was stunned by an end yesterday . It was the end of a large somewhat charred log. It would appear that my "dear" fiend Mooney has been pulling the wood over my eyes . I have sat many an evening by the side of the old drunk having some very wooden conversations . I know how drunk she gets so her lack of answers was not really a surprise . Saturday evening I sat late listening to the wireless ( no bloody wonder it hasn't worked so long ). I knitted a lovely cardigan for my friend Henrietta ( I shall have to explain Lord Cardigan to her). It got to midnight and I was tired so suggested we go to beddy-byes . As usual she was silent so I tucked her blanket around her and stoked up the fire . I was just falling asleep dreaming of a delicious plate of sprouts when I heard a scuffle downstairs and hushed voices . Maybe Mooney was talking to herself ( she's mad enough) . I realised there were several voices so I grabbed my old brass door stop of The World's largest sprout and tip-toed downstairs . What I saw shocked me to the very core .Charlie and his nefarious nephew Wopert were holding a large charred log and giggling .This is not that unusual for them but there standing in her finest gold muslin was Mooney leaning on Ollie's arm drunk as a skunk as usual . The log was pushed behind Mooney's throne and she thanked them all and shut the door. I hid behind the old bureau on the stairs . As Mooney walked past I said loudly " nice evening out dear?" . Mooney turned sharply and screamed .Oh so you have been sneaking out all this time behind my back, how was I supposed to tell the difference between you and a log ? I beg your pardon Nito that was cutting she shouted .I have merely been helping out the household finances by appearing in a freak show as "The oldest living , well dead , woman known " . I have had to stand as some oiks poked me ,ME a living God . My only reward a barrel of Gin and sometimes as much as £50.00s but that's if I throw in a bit of lap dancing . Mooney started to sob and gin ran down her dry little face . So , readers, all I could do was hug her and tuck the poor tired old thing into bed. She is in her moisturising bath now. So you will understand why I am writing again I simply can't have my oldest and dearest fiend making an exhibition of herself unless it's at The British Museum of course .

The writer is at home...

2011-03-06T06:09:00.000-08:00

Ahh my dears a few days ago my muse struck me again, but then it serves me right for standing in the driveway whilst Moony was reversing. Anyway shortly after that I was inspired to take up my typewriter (only by five inches), I don't know if it was the bump on the head but I can't say I've been so inspired since that wonderful night five years ago when after falling down six flights of steps at the municipal baths (they haven't even got six floors so I don't know why they have so many stairs. that night I sat up, I wrote my first Romance " She was very, very poor, he saw her, she saw his house- Reader she married him!", my first Crime novel "Goodness it might be the knife sticking out or the steamroller that gone over, but I think the bounder might be dead!", My first knitting pattern book " Things I've pulled of my needles in a hurry" and my one and only sci-fi (not really my genre, my agent tells me. 'Leave it to H.G Wells') "The last hairdresser on Mars'".

All four went on to be big sellers and I was offered a massive contract, all I had to do was knock out five or six a year and i had it made. Well that hasn't been a problem at all, not with Moony supplying me with an endless parade of inspiration for my Detective Hatshepsutnut mysteries. He remains the only ancient Egyptian, mummified detective in bookshops to this day. Its not been hard finding inspiration for my romances either! I have always had a string of suitors and admirers! Well this January I finished of "The mystery of the body announced on the 6.45 to Chepstow", and I hope one of my eagle eyed viewers (who knew eagles could read) will spot who done it and send the answer to me because I've no idea though I never did like the look of professor Higgerson. When I went to hand the manuscript over to my publisher she mentioned something about how wonderful it all was and what was I going to do next? "Nordic Noirs very big right now." She smiled at me. "Have you thought of a Scandinavian detective?" Silly girl, I always thought she was a bit giddy. I quickly pointed out that there probably weren't all that many Scandinavian ancient Egyptians' though I'm willing to keep an open mind and she looked instantly baffled. "Well vampires are very popular in the romance department at the moment. Have you thought of that?" This sounded more promising, after all never has a man been so perfect, during the day he'll be laid out in his coffin so you wont have to worry about asking him to lift his legs so you can hoover under them and he'll be available to take you on moonlight walks by the seine. Downsides however include, you cant ask him to pop out for the paper before 9.00pm, the milkman will look at you funny when you put in your order, you won't be able to cook Italian food again, you'll have to get rid of your art books on the Sistine Chapel (by the way how id they fit a chapel into a cistern and isn't it ruined every time someone flushes?).

I did agree to have a go at a vampire romance but since getting home hadn't been inspired. then last night I awoke to a tapping at my window... My heart was seized with terror and curiosity. had I acquired a new muse, would he accept tea as a beverage. Luckily when I looked out it was only one of Cromwell's racing pigeons. Though you never know do you? But that little pigeon made my think. Think of England! Think of summer! Think of the beauty of the rolling countryside! Think of Moony and I! Think above all of Cumbria!

That's the moment at which i seized up my pen and began "My cupboard in Cumbria". Broadly its the story of impoverished bohemian writer ( ohh are you drawing comparisons too ?!) Varple Casterrs, she takes up a cupboard for the summer in the beautiful landscape of Cumbria along with her ever complaining butler Fobitts. One dark and stormy night a tandem crashes outside her cupboard and whilst tending the survivors ( alas the Eccles cakes didn't make it) she finds herself learning to love again and live again... I think it might be a classic. Must go then I'm on chapter seven, book prizes here I come!

Ohh by the way i received a call this morning from a man asking if he could give my books away.

" O I thought world book night was last night i said"

"Umm yes Madam, but I own I book shop, I just want to know If i can give your books away?"

" So more people will read them and see how wonderful they are?

" Omm something like that....?"

" Why by all means young man!" You see so many sweet fans out there, im quite overwhelmed!

Mooney and I went to the photographers today

2011-01-26T10:26:00.000-08:00

Further leaves from the Diary of Juanita Nito resident of Cutting Sprout....

2010-12-01T10:46:00.000-08:00

Hello my dears, my hasn't it been snowing even in our little corner, the village green has turned into well, a village white! Ha, ha! I've just been writing my weekly article for the local paper, 'a day in the Trousers of...' as regular readers know last week I spent a day in the trousers of William Shakespeare. He claims they're the exact same ones in which he wrote Romeo and Juliet, but really did they even have jogging bottoms then? At least they were in better condition than the trousers of Michelangelo (they were the ones he painted the Sistine Chapel in and no I don't think he changed them in all that time!). This week I spent a day in the trousers of my dear friend Mrs Cox, she was taking them up ( where I never ascertained) and had left them on the sofa. I spotted an opportunity, wrapped them round myself and fell asleep. Voila I had my article! I must say they were very soft and very green.... I might just not return them ....
Anyway last night my dears I went down to the meeting for the preparation of this years nativity play, we have our cast but alas not yet our style. Harold Pinter made a few suggestions but no one was very keen. Mind you so did Henny, and I must say they are more tempting but a little umm theatrical? After a flurry of debate and much pushing in by Mrs Bagshott- Smyth who wanted it to reflect the pre-existing pagan mythology which fed into the legends of Christmas and the presence of hay sprites actually in the manger, Mrs Barnstorm, who wanted a hand painted distress effect stable with elements of antique Victorian tiles ( she could get us some from a salvage yard) and Che who reckoned that we blow the whole thing open, reveal the lie, the capitalist conspiracy. Umm wasn't sure about that at all!
Still as you know a little pinch of this and that all adds up and in the end we had a play that had elements from all of us, even my sprout dance troupe and Sebastopol's cat wise man. I'll tell you how things turn out, but it will be different.
We also agreed that Charlie should take control of the poster, last year we let Picasso paint it and no one came to our first performance. No one knew what it was about. So here is this year's poster, no s's but it's very...Umm stylish. See you all soon. Mrs Snoo T.Cow is on the T.V and i want to have a laugh!

A little pre-Christmas handicraft sale.

2010-11-11T03:57:00.000-08:00

It wasn't meant to be a normal W.I day today and it most certainly wasn't.

The whole village was meant to make gifts worth buying and giving to those you love,obviously they hate quite a lot of people. The President had a go at scrimshaw with a bone his dog dug up ,threw up I'd say. I didn't know what it was until Barbie told me it was a lighthouse from Massofchewsits .That explains the chewed up look.Cromwell bought it ,God knows who for .

Henrietta had bottled some of her perfumed waters ( the ones from giving birth I think). They smelt awful to me but Mooney bought the lot . It was only later I found out Henny uses Vodka instead of perfumer's alcohol.When I got home from locking up the hall Mooney was blated on the floor witha huge smile on her face.

Neff had made some felt hats but boiled after sewing so they could only be used as egg cups but then no-one has a head that tall anyhow.

Che had hand-written some lovely poems ( so he says) in cute little note-books with him on. The main trouble is they were in Spanish and a few in French much to Henny's delight.

Charlie had knitted some tartan socks with six toes and two lovely neckwarmers which he bought for himself and his granny , Mary . I bought the wristlets for Che's Christmas to cover up the stitch marks.

Mr Misery had made barbed wire underpants which Charlie bought to keep the bunnies off his allotment .

Bramwell had embroidered some mobile phone covers ,pity we only have landlines.

Ivan had made some lovely wooden sugar bowls all painted with Chinese pictures ( don't ask). Sebastapol had made first-aid kits for the rougher kind of cat that gets it's head stuck in tins.

Nell had made corsets for the larger lady in your life or as bicycle baskets they'd be quite dashing one cup either side of your handle-bars.

Jamesiypoo had made packets of thorns to run through your tongue in consultation with my brother Luzbel ( well we have Aztec blood and he like a bit of flagellation).

Dear Doris had made oven-gloves guaranteed to leave burns every time you used them.

Harlot Harley had made silk draws out of an American parachute and some silk she bought from Mao-Tse-Tung who had popped over to see Che in his new job as a cloth merchant ( very popular with Nell).

Camillo ( Che's mate or should I say Mate ...'orrible Argie tea!) had rolled some herbal cigars, that were very popular, from those funny plants on his allotment. Che had one and spent the day giggling like a school-girl and chasing Henny until Hilda marched in with her Peruvian hats ( God knows who'd want them).

Charlie II's horrible kiddies had made oranges stuck with cloves and models of Grandpa's execution.

The Vicar had made Christmas card with bunnies and ghouls on ( not sure he's in his right mind).

My contributions the highlight of the show , Sprout wine, pickles ,jam,sprouts in chocolate , sprouts in brandy and a lot of sprout biscuits for tea-break which Charlie II's kiddies threw at everyone .

Henny's dear little Ann had made me a fimo sprout ( how I cried) .

We made quite a bit but I am sure I saw The President stuffing coins into the cash register .His father was furious about something and using a spanner to try to wrench it open when Cromys set a few members of The New Noodle Army on him ( Henny made that up ..it's good isn't it !!!).

I shall be in the embroiderers gazette...

2010-03-10T06:50:00.000-08:00

Isn't that quite exciting, ever since dear Bramwell began to work for them as their out and about reporter I've been confident that I would get a mention but I was scarcely prepared to get a four page spread. Its all been rather exciting, ones cushions have been photographed, can you imagine and i have been encouraged to share one of my graphs with their readers. I wish they'd told me they wanted a cross stitch graph straight away and feel such a fool for sending then that one of Brussels Sprout distribution in the outer Hebrides.... Ohh well. Still I thought it wasn't fair for my loyal readership here to be deprived of some of my lovely embroidery ideas so I've enclosed a free style pattern you'll adore, for some reason I can't persuade the shops to stock my tapestry kits.

A magical mystery tour for teeth....

2010-03-03T05:08:00.000-08:00

This morning finding very little else to do (there's only so many times that one can weld bunnys muzzle back together) we decided to treat ourselves to a day out with Mrs Cox who had to pop to the hospital to let a man look at her gnashers. Poor dear if its not one end its the other as Ive told her many times before you are lucky you are not eight sided or imagine the trouble you would have. Such as enticing possibility a visit to their local hospital, not a bit like our lovely little cottage hospital although i did notice on the way out that they had borrowed one little hint from us. The phantom organist though at "Cutting Sprout General (ly not too bad)" we prefer he plays "nearer my God than thee" or a little number all our own "For those in peril off the sea" . Still they have two things which we are only too envious about, firstly the giant motorised buggy's of doom which hurtle out of nowhere straight at you driven by a squinting and ancient driver and secondly our even bigger favourite the great mystery tour of 'find your department'. This is a game best played in pairs for comparison and team building reasons and is surprisingly difficult due to the many dead ends, misleading arrows and something called the 'league of fiends ' (surely it shouldn't be allowed for them to form their own leagues, what next football teams?). Well we did finally find the department for Maxil something or other, why ohh why will they only treat you if your name is max? We were going to put that on the form but Mrs Cox wouldn't let us help her fill it in. I was disappointed by how few giant abscesses there were , Mrs Cox had one years ago that made her look like Winston Churchill we even asked her to speak at the W.I. I must say though what a lot of odd people! There were some right exhibitionists (not just Moony) and an awfully strange Menage a tois that arrived later on, clearly heavily into bondage and very shifty looking. Though I'm as broad minded as the next person but there are limits as I said to Moony who simply cackled and said "unlike him I suppose you'd have to say that he was a 'Broadmoor' minded as the next person!" .
I really don't understand her sometimes. Mrs Coxe's procedure sounds promisingly messy so I'll probably go back for that, I only hope there are not any more weirdos in on the day. On the way out we passed another 'league of fiends outpost so I told them just what I thought, they just looked innocent and puzzled. I suppose they think that in this day and age there are not any right thinking people left to oppose them, think again Fiends!!!

Dear Mr. Che , funny name that.

2010-02-16T04:57:00.000-08:00

On Saturday I popped over to the other side to watch Mrs Cox's new film ,"Che". It was very dull all green ( no what am I saying ?). A dull green and everyone kept fighting which was very , very naughty . Mrs Mooney tells me he lives in Verde el Fantastico so I invited him over for tea. He is obviously not a man with a vast wardrobe , that tatty old beret and khaki again with huge boots. He hasn't shaved for goodness knows how long and his hair is a mess.Mooney ( the know it all ) told me was Argentinian so I got in a nice tin of corned beef and she bought some horrible tea stuff called mate ( no mate of mine i can tell you ). After I boiled the water he pulled out a grenade so I grabbed it and hit the deck as I threw it out of the window .Mr Che shouted "hey that's my bombilla".That is none of my business but it's upstairs second on the right. "Lady you are loco" he said. I laughed at his little joke as I am clearly not a train. He then started coughing horribly all over my violet tea-set. These Argentines have no manners. Mooney said " hush the poor man has asthma". Oh that's what it was I like a spot of Earl Grey myself. He was starting to look a bit cross,devilish eyes you know. When I bought in the corned beef he started shouting in some foreign language and Mooney tried to calm him down . I wouldn't have wanted to be his Mum . He asked for mate again so I thought it must refer to the rug and slipped it under his feet. As I stood up I slipped and fell ,there was a crack and he flung me on the sofa shoving a bamboo stick in my mouth ( I knew he was mad). I am a doctor woman he yelled lay still you've twisted your ankle . I didn't want the treatment but his bedside manner was a bit rough and before you know it he was tearing up my best anti-macassar and tieing up my ankle. I have to say Argentine blokies could do with some grace . Mooney "oh for goodness sake Nito don't you know who he is , the man on the poster in my room". Well he's fooled you hasn't he because that man is clearly red .At this point he stormed out of the cottage . We really do have some odd people over here ,oh and did I mention the holes in his uniform . It's clear to me he has no little woman looking after him. Mooney said "oh yes he does ,his first wife". Well she is no needlewoman then. I pity his other wives when they arrive. The next day a sweet little lady arrived at the cottage to give me a right telling off about being rude to her "Papa" ...oh God they let him breed!

A merry Cutting Christmas to all....

2009-12-10T06:21:00.000-08:00

Hello my dears as you know I always enjoy the festive period so whilst I have been dreadfully busy lately I thought now was the season to update you on happenings Chez Nito.
Last night Moony and I perched on the couch to watch Mrs Snoo T. Cow's latest home make over show, their always worth the bother as one needs to laugh in these dark days. Tonight she showed us how to construct and decorate your own tree (I had always rather thought that trees grew) amongst the skills she felt that every housewife should master at this time of year were glass blowing and sock knitting. I could see Moonys eyes narrow until by the time the credits rolled they had disappeared and I assumed she'd fallen asleep. No such luck.
"Right" she shrieked as she staggered of the couch. "I'll show her!!! I bet I can make all that stuff!!! Better!!" Pausing for thought she murmured "except for the tree... We seem to have one already" Her eyes had alighted on the fine example Roopie Do had dragged in for us. Standing in all its green splendour in the corner as well as covering much of the carpet.
All night I could hear her tossing and turning in her sarcophagus, muttering ancient Egyptian epitaphs too shocking to report. This morning as I left for rehearsals of the Cutting Sprout players Christmas extravaganza - The Hound of the Basket Cases, by far the best Hiscox Maltravers mystery full of dark doings out on the moors. I play his landlady and rush on every now and then to shout "Ohh Lorks!!!" In the end I get inexplicably trampled by a herd of Zebras escaped from the zoo.- I saw Moony up on a chair taking down books from the "We got these for Christmas but were far too slapdash round the house to actually do this stuff ." This is where we keep our Delilah Smyth, Marbles Stewed-Harp and Jammy Oliveoil books Some of these have never been opened as the pictures on the front were far to scary, all iced fondant fancies and little frilly stockings by the fire. Moony has lots of these but not by the fire. "Aren't you a little festive sprite!" I commented. Moony stared at me. "I don't think I am a carbonated drink dear, you must take your pills."
I thought nothing more of it as I struggled into my costume. Henrietta may be many things but shes no seamstress! Fortunately I was able to tear open the arm holes, all four of them, how many arms does she think I have? Rehearsals went well and it was a good idea not to let Hitchcock direct again last years A Christmas Carol was a little too highbrow for this village and even Dickens couldn't help but boo us. Charlie does a wonderful ghost and amuses us in the intermission by juggling his head... I remember one year he lost it and had to go home with a cantaloupe melon on his neck...! Happy days! Mr Misery makes a suitable psychotic old retainer and Rupert really impresses as the detective! I admit I also went for a few cocktails with my fellow cast members at the Full Moon and Lunatic, I must remember never to have a whole stein of G&T but Rupert was ordering and one doesn't say no.
When I finally got home I couldn't tell if it was the alcohol or not as Moony sat at the able blowing on one of our glasses. "Nito" She said in an angry voice " No matter how much you blow they don't change, I'm all out of puff!"
Well glass blowing may not be her thing but the other decorations turned out fine and the Vet says with ex lax Bunny will be just fine and all that salt dough should do too much harm.... Darn it!

Poor Mrs Cox.

2009-05-12T12:10:00.000-07:00

Her osmoz kit arrived this morning . Mooney shuffled past and seeing the olibanum , myrrh and juniper oil she mixed herself a cocktail. The poor woman has been waiting ages for it to arrive from France. Henrietta stopped the sobbing by phoning a relative who is sending another post haste. She had her laptop with her so showed us some very nasty stuff about some snooty designer . Mooney called him snooty cow ( she needs new glasses or maybe not). Anyhow Bramwell is far more talented and he didn't get where he is by wearing bin bags .In fact he has some lovely fur. That singer is upsetting Mrs Cox again ( God we could do counselling). Mooney and Henny said she shouldn't care I mean who has friends are a Pharaoh and a Queen of England. He can crawl all he likes but Pharoahs are hard to find. George Fox had to take the poor distraught woman back to the border ( what she didn't know was that Mooney was in her trunk so she could "borrow" her best Ta'if rose .

There was a knock at the door.

2009-05-05T08:07:00.000-07:00

" God moaning" said Henny .

" As it is bonk 'oliday I zought you might lick to cum to ze tea at our cttarge "

" Casulz attyres plose"

She turned and left and Mooney looked at me ...did she say casual dear because if that's casual I'm the Queen of Egypt ..errr King? We fell about laughing and I spent ages looking for my best Dior and Mooney her upper and lower nile crown.

Easter in Cutting Sprout.

2009-04-25T06:30:00.000-07:00

Easter Sunday

"They'll let anyone drive these days!" I looked up from my copy of the local paper as Moony shouted this odd early morning greeting. Ohh dear I thought as she stalked into the breakfast room her dressing gown flapping dangerously near to one of the little Easter candles I'd lit so I quickly blew it out. "Look at that! " She announced in disgust as she placed the post in front of me. On top of the pile was a jaunty Easter card (I have enclosed a picture below) of a happy little bunny driving a giant Easter egg in his car. "It isn't even safe." She remarked as she cracked open her egg. "How can he even reach the pedals!" Ohh dear I think Moony may have lost a few more marbles in the night as i tried to point out the cards humorous message all she could do was look mystified... "I don't see that It's funny Nito dear, he' clearly a danger to himself and others." I gave up and presented her with her Easter egg specially iced with hieroglyphic Easter egg hunters . I return she gave me a chocolate pyramid, not quite entering into the spirit of the occasion but never mind it's the thought that counts.

I was delighted to see that my little angel Bramwell had sent me an Easter card as well, he has such pretty delicate taste and what a lovely yet surprising present for Mrs Bunny. (See Below) After Moony had finished the terribly slow process of eating her breakfast I left her seated in front of a special songs of worship broadcast, she never knows the tunes alas, and popped over to see what Henny and Charlie were doing. I found Henny sitting on a upturned bucket in a straw hat holding a score board whilst her grandchildren ran around the garden shrieking with excitement and riffling in Charlie's ohh so carefully planted bushes and flower beds. "Hollo Mrs Nitooo We is hoving an Easther ogg hont what is for finding the oggs." I'm still puzzled as to where people expect their eggs to have gone? Still the children were having very good fun so I said nothing far off in the distance I could see Charlie and Oliver trying to organise an egg and spoon race. This is another Easter mistake, you can race cars because they have engines but it is impossible to race either eggs or spoons as they don't have engines but does anyone listen to me?

I sat with Henny for a little while but then had to dash home as I noticed there was smoke coming from my kitchen windows or as dear Henny put it "Does vous nosees your winows is on firrr only zee is smocking."

I rushed in to find Moony had been trying to make hot cross buns. They were burnt but she was half successful, as she was very hot and more than a little cross.

Thankfully by Monday we were all to stuffed on chocolate to try anything adventurous... especially not baking. One thing I shall draw a veil over, the reverend Pine-Coffins sermon, least said soon as mended.

Easter morning at the cottage...

2009-04-12T07:34:00.000-07:00

Well my dears, I've searched for my eggs, they were all in the fridge in the little box they came in.... I wonder where people expect them to go?

A lovely afternoon at the Cutting Sprout opium den.

2009-02-23T07:04:00.000-08:00

Moony and I felt that the day was getting to be a bit of a drag especially after we were obliged to take the postman to hospital after Bunny met and "greeted" him on the lawn. Not to many stitches thank goodness. So we popped along to our villages lovely little opium den. Its so snug and lovely and the tea is free, such very good value. We settled down with our pipes and tea and began a little chat which as I recal started off being about our latest pickles and ended up being about wether or not llamas were better at flying than trees. You see how lovely and odd opium makes our lives. Anyway I was running short of tea and as turned to the waitress to ask for another pot who should I see but Mr Misery with the first smile we have ever seen on his face . Ohh my It turned out that he'd come in to lecture us poor waifs about the evils of our lives but had inhaled to deeply. He sat down with us and announced that he had seen the light.
" Mrs Nito!" He exclaimed. " I have seen the light, the universe is run by a group of super intelligent bunny rabbits who do smocking in their spare time and are all called Nim the magnificent!"
I'm not sure that I belive this but it is a rather nice thought. We took him home with us of course. He was in no fit state to drive his horse and buggy (then again neither was I) . Tucked up on the sofa he told Mrs Moony that she wasn't really the whore of Babylon but a very nice lady whom he personally thought was a bit stunning. Moony thinks he may have long term damage although she is flattered.
Must go now and visit the Postie, he is being discharged at last. The scarring should be mild....

Deep and crisp and even....

2008-12-23T10:58:00.000-08:00

Christmas Eve, night
194?.....
Diary of Mrs G.J Nito
Cutting Sprout
Hello dear readers, felicitations of this joyful season.
Here I sit in my little study as much festive noise excites and alarms me without (who knew Moony knew how to play twister?) writing this, my Christmas diary. What a lovely few days we've been having here .... Shall I begin on Monday...
I awoke bright and early but could not find my glasses, no matter I thought to myself, I'm only going shopping and as I well know Mr Dingbat, Mr Wobble and Mr Fryer are so helpful in matters of choice (I decided to shop locally this year as it means so much to our local shopkeepers). As one would expect I took my abloutions (whatever they are, I say I took them because Moony asks if I have or not. In fact I use the time to take a bath. I dare say they are some sort of new health pill), Folded back my counterpain (so much easier since I discovered that it was not the window, you try folding glass) and decided upon an outfit from my extensive wardrobe. I have many things in there which were given to me as gifts and which I'm afraid I would never dream of wearing and then there was that red outfit I had won in the raffle last winter.... Anyway, I came down, put on the bacon for breakfast... Took off the bacon and cooked it (still don't know why one should put it on first but it's in the cookery book woger gave me so I do it that way). Not long after it's smell began to waft upstairs Moony dragged herself down, one hand searching for cigarettes in her dressing gown pocket, the other trying to tease her hair into some sort of style. For some reason when she saw me she stopped dead (or do I mean she stopped alive here?). "Nito are you feeling quite alright?" I was surprised by this as of course I felt quite well... wonderful in fact and told her so. But she persisted until I decided I might as well go out and leave her. I supposed that it was the hallucinations again...
As I left the postman fainted on next doors steps so I tucked a tonic of my own invention under his arm, they do work them so hard!
Charlies jaw dropped as I walked past and his cereal dribbled out of his mouth... you know I don't think they sewed his head on well at all...
People must have been hitting the old tipples a little hard in anticipation I thought to myself. Finally I reached Dingbat, Wobble and Fryers. I never knew that Mr Dingbat was a religious man but as I came in he crossed himself, I went up to him and he grew very pale and shrank back against his display of Mrs Ramsbodie's traditional farmhouse plum puddings (I think that she should put a photo of herself on the tin but she says she is to shy). "Now honestly Mr Dingbat, if you go on like that you'll be worn out by Christmas!! I suppose I'll see you at midnight Mass?" he gave the oddest answer, "If they let you in the church this year Mrs Nito!". Well I did what anyone would have done in that position... I walloped him with my basket. Never the less I took several of Mrs Ramsbodie's puddings. They are so very luxuriant and indulgent.... I was not put off, despite peoples strange reactions I carried on shopping. Chesses, meats and gifts piled up in my basket and at every counter I recieved some strange looks. I began to suspect that without my glasses I had chosen as a hat Moonys frillys or had put my lipstick on a little high.
Eventually I had everything that I wanted and made my way home. By then the postman had recovered and gone but Henny and Charlie were now pressed up against the window of their house and as I passed Charlie pointed me out... How strange I thought, they are both usually so polite. I opened the door, spotted Moony hiding behind the sofa, well I thought I'll leave her there if she must be strange, so be it. Dinner needed putting on and I was not going to play games. As I entered the kitchen I saw my glasses lying on the shelves where I house my pudding dishes. How careless of me I thought and popped them on so I could better light the oven. As I bent down I caught sight of myself in the shiny, mirror like surface of a biscuit tin. For a moment I stared dumbstruck and then with a piercing scream I fainted....
When I came round I found myself looking into the face of good old Moony... " I told you you looked strange" she said and I had to agree....
I had put on the red raffle outfit.... I had been wearing red....

Tuesday:
After some strong tea and a good nights sleep I was well enough recovered to accompany Moony and Bramwell on the annual hunt for our Christmas tree (I love Christmas trees as they are about the only green thing that come Christmas everyone wants) .... Into the woods we trekked, Bramwell had brought that nice strong friend of his Ivan to drag the tree home and a picnic for the search. Moony as always made straight for a weird lopesided tree that through her drunken haze must have looked very attractive and insisted that it was the one we should have... We ignored her and carried on looking. We saw big ones and small ones, fat ones and thin ones and then finally we found it.... The tree, very green, the right size, beautiful.... So we chopped it down and home we went to decorate it's merry branches. Shame I sent Moony up into the attic to find the decorations as we now have many fewer than last year but nevermind! Anyway I read an article In Womans Bi-weekly in which they suggested thousands of pretty gift ideas all made from broken ornaments... Now I have all the broken ornaments that I could want and with a few touches and some glue... well.

Today it's Christmas eve, we've opened the sherry invited our neighbours in and baked a lovely fish dinner later we shall go and celebrate the birth of Chesses... Ohh sorry spelling mistake I mean Jesus... I shall make another entry in the New Year and tell you how it's all gone. Now I must run, Henny was trying to climb the Christmas tree and from the sound of it she's got stuck... also I'm sure I heard Moony say she was going to set light to the sherry trifle...
Moony no! Put it down... Ohh well... Charlie would you like to borrow my eyebrow pencil? No? Ohh well I think you look alright without them... Ohh maybe a little startled.

So Christmas has started .

2008-12-19T10:21:00.000-08:00

There was a tremendous bustle , shouting , screeching of brakes etc outside the cottage yesterday. I looked out and Neff. had arrived to visit her daughter ( who I might add was over several odds in bed). We loaded her luggage in the loft , garage , Henny's garage and the Church hall. As we sat trying to watch "Poiret" she heard knocking on the wall and looked very worried. We explained we were hiding a rebel ( she loved that after all her husband was a rather big one). We opened the Priest hole and passed Mrs Cox her tea and marmalade toast. As soon as it got dark we let her out as she wished to pop over to chat to Henny .She's looking a bit crushed poor dear .We put " Manifesto" on for her but she started screaming "trash, trash oh my God trash" . Neff dragged in the bin and sat back down as Mrs Cox ran. Two minutes later Neff started screaming too so we popped on some carols .I think it's going to be a long run up to Christmas. Mrs Cox says Henny has a whole cottage under hers for catholics to stay in so the Cox family can join her ( she still gets that nervous feeling that she should hide all the time poor soul ). The almighty one is being quiet but his fans are stalking her blog. Neff says she loves a good heratic ( sadly she meant the biscuit brand not Mrs Cox).

Priest holes..etc.

2008-12-03T23:47:00.000-08:00

Mrs Mooney has stashed Mrs Cox in the Priest hole at the Manor so they can't find her for being a member of those who criticise God ..errr sorry I mean Bryan Ferry . She is complaing because Priests were obviously small . We are passing down her C.Ds to keep her amused but even having to listen to them won't make her take a word back . I'd confess straight away myself. She will insist that only God himself is above criticism so she'll have to stay incarcerated.

Mrs Nito's campaign .

2008-11-13T02:08:00.000-08:00

"Hello my dears , aggrieved letter in the post from Mrs Cox . Apparently she's been treated abysmally by on a certain Mr Bryan Ferry 's fan-site ( not official I might add) . I don't know why she likes a man so into ferries but she's a bit eccentric . As you can imagine I was absolutely alarmed to hear this . I read on and discovered he was in a band called Roxy Music . Even now Mrs Mooney is gathering the villagers to boycott the local cinema ( I'm not sure she's got it quite right ..but that's her allover ). We are inviting Mrs Cox to tea to cheer her up and she has promised to bring some of her 78s by this man so we can hear them. I will be writing to the Queen about this matter as she has been a loyal fan she must have paid for at least a vase in his house which we demand backand possibly keep. After all we could do with a nice vase. Anyone who cares to sign our petition will have to see Luzbel as he will be popping over to your side to take it to no 10 . I shall make it clear to Gordon this is more important than the credit crunch as over the years Mrs Cox has invested in Mr Ferry's bank-balance quite heavily "

Well my dears I've pulled out all the stops for the W.I

2008-10-30T04:43:00.000-07:00

As I always love to do my dears I have created something dramatic, something green, Something a little bit different.
Most importantly Something you will never have seen before!!!
Well....? What do you think? Pineapple, jelly roly-poly. A rather unusual little treat. I think Henny was just a little jealous with her Madelines' and tarts', (the faces she was pulling). But then again we can't all be blessed with culinary genius can we?

Ahh thats better!!!

2008-10-29T11:47:00.001-07:00

Ahh hello dears here I am! Moony treated me to breakfast in bed this morning, did I say breakfast ? Ohh must be a Freudian slip, nothing Moony makes could be called a treat. No matter it was edible. As you can see she threw in the papers as an after thought (sad that she threw them with such determination at the scrambled egg but I brushed it of) I noticed that tomorrow is Halloween, umm must get Moony to sit in her deckchair on the lawn. She has to pay her way and she really is a cheap decoration, not that we get many trick or treaters. I don't know why, I make all the sweets and biscuits myself. But if it's Halloween tomorrow then its time to review the catalogues that I get through my door each day for those little surprise gifts. For Charlie and Henny I usually pick a gift from the past times catalogue, I find their Carolinian Christmas gifts particularly suitable though I confess that I never knew they had record racks in those days.... Maybe a Stilton spoon, or I think Charlie could look rather lovely in the Stuart brocade dressing-gown easy wash so that's a plus with Christmas dinner! The British museum sell Egyptian re-pos that have a smaller price tag than the originals but look nice on Moony's dressing-table. Where do I get Bramwells presents from? Well my dear up until now I've kept that a closely guarded secret (I didn't want to spoil the poor wee mites Christmas for him) When he was very young I used to be very influenced by what he had "written to Santa for..." such as patchwork pieces and crochet yarn, in recent years though I've been buying them from a lovely boutique in Purple Sprouting. They stock all sorts of pretty things, Lovely shepherdess lamps, musical boxes, 50's style box handbags. He adores them and I just love phoning them up, we can chat for hours. Marina their secretary is such a sweet girl as are Louis and Alphonse who came all the way from Switzerland they yodel so well that I suggested that they replace their shop bell with a tape of it. They went one better and turned the shop front into a cheerful little chalet, yodelling and all. Even the assistants are dressed as milk maids. Ohh one can be so very impressed on a visit there.
So as I crunched my toast (shocking I almost lost a tooth) and spooned in my tea (much to thick to drink) I flicked through their catalogue. Now be frank, tell me do you think that Bramwell would prefer a revolving Christmas tree lamp that projects Santa and his sleigh onto the walls and ceiling in lifelike fashion. Or would he prefer the complete Babycham bar set? I don't know, it does include glasses, deer shaped ice bucket and cocktail shaker and those weird plastic sticks that you stir cocktails with.
I shall muse upon that for a little while, after all more pressing, tomorrow I must tootle down to the W.I. Where we shall be discussing such large and unwieldy questions as what shall we do for the harvest festival, mayors fair and Christmas panto? Ohh what with this tea and all these questions I might just snuggle down and have a little longer in bed.... Do not tell Moony... But what with the weather... One does feel so awfully snug and drowsy in bed. Good Night my dears..... YYYY aaaa WWW Nnnn............

Another page from Mrs Nito's diary

2008-08-28T13:32:00.000-07:00

( Click to read in more detail. )

Tea in the garden with Moony....

2008-08-02T08:47:00.000-07:00

I think I must explain my dear that the below picture is a page torn from my diary. I thought you really ought to see the thought processes that go into my posts here... The hard work and of course my drawings and photographs.

This afternoon with the scent of delicious moist grass in our nostrils and an enormous supply of rich tea things which I had been baking (jammy tea things I can't think how they made their money but Mooney insists that they are rich) we decided to take tea on the lawn of our little abode. I left Moony to boil the tea whilst I laid out the picnic chairs and table, not long then before I heard screams from the kitchen and knew that a full pot would soon be on the way. Moony emerged smoking and frazzled ( I don't mean cigarettes she was quite literally smoking) so of course I did what anyone would and damped her down. "Thank-You dear she said, it's this damned Russian caravan, terribly smoky!" "No wonder dear tea is meant to be made from leaves not Russian caravans. Anyway what did you do with the inhabitants?" Moony sighed and shrugged. "Never mind dear, they aren't in there now. " Umm I dare say they moved into a semi, no one wants to keep up the old traditions these days. We were really enjoying our tea when suddenly a tiny wrinkled head poked through our hedge at first I thought it must be Neff and then as the body appeared I realised it was a tortoise. A whole herd of them followed, slowly plodding across the lawn towards us. Moony stared at them in dismay "Not another bl***y plague, the locusts were the absolute limit! " Sometimes I don't know what she means. I looked in the direction they had come, no clues. I looked in the direction that they hadn't come still no clues. Meanwhile Moony was carrying on her banshee wail of aggrieved superstition, I ignored her and scooped one up. It looked at me with wise intelligent eyes, it looked at Moony and I'm sure it shivered. I offered it a bit of tea cake and it munched it down. Not many people like my speciality tea cake and this little tortoise did, I could tell he came from a line of breeding and distinction. So I gave him a little more, whilst Moony chastised me for it. "Ahh you give them an inch dear they will take a mile, just like my plastic surgeon. Sucked all the fat out. I'm suing him for incompetence. I told him I wanted to be pert and young again.... Tortoises are the exact bl***y same... Beggers!!" There is an art to ignoring Moony and I am well versed in it, so well I often think I should write a book. Anyhoo at this moment Henny hurtled through the hedge with a thump and shrieked "Zere Zere Ze are... Ahh clever but non clever enough to evade Mrs Henrietta Maria ,Queen of Angland." Charlie peeped up over the top of the hedge as Henny tried to herd the tortoises back through it. " Cooom Onn You Loot My Grindchildren wall be woundering weir vous as goott to.........." I smiled with surprise "Ohh Henny are they visiting, I did not know or I would have brought these straight back." "Donut wurry Mrs Nito, I is gotting zem back noo...... As zee been any bozer to vous.?" "Ohh no!" I squeeled "This one in particular has been awfully nice, he rather likes my cooking!" Henny's hair stood on end. "Do vous want to kep him as a token offff our gratedtude zat non arm as come to them?" I thought for a moment and looked down at the tortoise I already thought of as Cedric.... I had no hesitation..... Moony get on with building that hutch, Cedric can't live in the record cupbord forever. He's already eaten Andy Williams... No of course not the real Andy Williams.... No it isn't much of one is it, hit it a bit harder.... Ohhh shall I get some ice for you dear.....

Wakey , wakey at the home.

2008-07-12T10:38:00.000-07:00

Really it was Mrs Mooney's day to work at the home but the residents always cry at the mention of her name . Ivan ( Bramwell's partner ) had come to trim the lawn and help out a bit. He started by shaving Mary who he said was talking in a strange voice. Audrey likes her hair done in a large quiff ( the poor "girl"is so thin we lost her in the bath and I was afraid she'd gone down the plughole until we saw a white streak outside the window and heard Gwenny scream as he/she pinched her bum. Ivan went out with the net and soon "she" was looking very smart. Beth was lighting a cigarette which is against the rules inside the house so we put her out ....on the lawn . Ivan went off to make tea and found Mary making a brew which again is against rules as she might burn herself . She tried to force a scone onto Ivan who had no truck with that and carried her into the breakfast room and bound her to the chair ( alas I don't think we'd pass inspection but Mary looked pleased ). Beth got very annoyed as to why she couldn't be tied up too. I had to say "But you havn't been naughty dear ". The next moment I looked up to see Beth trying to shove boiled eggy into Gwenny's mouth just so he could be tied up. Mary started crying and calling for a jerry so Ivan took her to the lavatory which didn't help much. "She "kept mumbling about an irishman in a most un p.c way. I shall have a talk to her about calling people of Irish extraction "Micks" .Is it any wonder , she'll be reading "The Daily mail" next. Audrey got upset again and started shouting socialist poems at Mary who was now muttering "I've never met a miner" in an incoherant way. Ivan snarled at her and she went quiet. Beth gave Mary a kiss and started a fight with Audrey , luckily no-one has a weight advantage with those too. Gwenny , our little peacemaker told them that all the residents should love each other setting Mary off singing "Fool for Love" at which Audrey shouted "Fool oh aye I'd reckon that's aboot right you class traitor ". Ivan dragged Audrey into the garden where he gave her some clootie pudding and "she settled down" . Mary being the oldest had to go for a nap and Gwenny ( my angel) went off to read "Great Expectations" to "her" . It was quiet for a few blissful moments and Beth started scribbling in her ancient notebook we can't part her from , possibly part 69 of her auto-biography .
It was time to start lunch and today was chicken soup .As I worked in the kitchen I looked up to see Audrey stark naked again peering in the window , I van was timming the roses and I saw a near dreadful accident as Audrey ran past too close to shears .The next thing I knew was Mary was driving the lawnmower up and down the lawn in her nightie .By the time night shift arrived I was exhausted but Mrs Arbuthnott takes no truck and they all sleep in tight sleeping bags with quick ejector buttons in case of fire and she keeps a whip handy which brings a smile to Beth's face but will never be used they'd all like it too much.

Home for retired entertainers of absent minds...

2008-07-12T09:01:00.000-07:00

On this un-summery day had you been peeking through your net curtains (Henny naughty girl that's our job, we'll not see you cornering the market in gossip) you would have seen me mounting my trusted Raleigh bicycle and setting off with a squeak at first and then that wonderful whoosh that comes of riding downhill. Where was I heading of to you might ask, you might well and as my mother used to tell me "don't ask is also don't get". No truer word ever spoken but that doesn't mean that if you ask one of those nice men in Busbies, if you could possibly be the Queen ,that you won't be arrested. But enough of trifles...flans, meringues ohh and those odd little ones that go round and round and contain raisins.... Sorry my mind wonders so.... I was on my way to our latest charitable doing, at the juncture of this world and your world (it all gets so awfully like that programme with the man in the yellow jumper sometimes -not his colour, too figure hugging- now what was that called... Star.....umm Trek that's right) . Its in this little anti - room so to speak that we have a little nursing home for elderly theatricals and singers, "Crotchet, Quaver and Corpse "... Some of whom ,and here I must be delicate, have forgotten who they are indeed many are a little confused as to their own gender.... I'm not a one to make pets of people I'm sure you all know that by now, but ohh dear I confess there are four rather dear to my heart. "Mary" He/She used to be a singer but now thinks she's a housewife.... "Audrey" Used to have a long running T.V series of his/her own but much too old now, likes little black dresses...... "Beth" Like the flame haired queen, temperamental and no doubt they are related, she smokes something that isn't tobacco but makes one feel rather good about ones self.... Lastly "Gwendolyn" thankfully she wasn't born a girl or what a disappointment for the parents. Now they are all awfully sweet. Mary keeps making me lovely cakes with Beth's help and they are delicious although I often find I don't even remember eating them, perhaps we have mice? This morning I'm afraid things were not particularly smooth when I got there, chaos reigned. Audrey (a committed socialist, and never very far from actually being committed - she will try to drive herself-) had set Mary's copy of the Telegraph alight.... I share her views but not the right way to go about it. Mary was beside herself which is harder than it looks, comforting herself by singing hits from her old albums which just made everyone else well....distraught and Mary a touch sweaty. So sweaty in fact that when I turned to her she seemed to be crying spiders, Beth ever superstitious had fled the room but they turned out to be Mary's false eyelashes (always a problem, why as cook could tell you they caused an incident at Christmas when they fell in the soup and one now lives as a result in London Zoos fine arachnid house as yet not zoologically classified ) I stuck 'em back on just as Beth returned with a cake. It must have been very good as we were all so happy afterwards, playing games although what they were I don't know.... Strange that. Still lovely "girls" I wouldn't be without them.... I think I'll buy Mary a fire extinguisher though or a subscription to the Independent.... Night, Night... Ohh my hot water bottles turned into an owl.....

Dear Doris settles in to her new sea-side villa.

2008-06-12T03:38:00.000-07:00

Poor dear Holly and her Mum and family lost their Mum and granny last month. When I say "lost" of course she was safe with us . We had a few weeks to get her sea-side home decorated in a style she would like. We added a beach hut down on the coast for her . If she looks out of her top window she has a wonderful view of the sea and the smell of ozone . We also shopped for some rather expensive wool for her as she could not afford it down there. A comfy chair and a basket by a lovely fireplace was added. She has three bedrooms so can easily invite family over to stay . As she had always been a bicycle rider in her youth we popped a lovely one in the shed. A relative called Bill had put in runner beans and sweet williams . Charlie has promised to pop over and do some regular gardening but her father will help when not in his own shed. We had to be very strong with her brother Ron or she'd have found model railway tracks all over. Luckily he runs the mini-railway for the kiddies who passed over to us in infancy. Henny's Ann likes to go on the trains as often as possible. We had lovely photos of her children ( well as lovely as they could look poor dears not having Mooney's looks). on her mantel. Mr Smithson popped in to welcome her ( you lot all know him as Jesus). Luzbel wanted to but one look from Mr S. and he shuffled off.

We would like to assure Doris's family that Mrs Mooney took her to get some very nice clothes , a lot of Liberty prints I see Doris ! Treacle and Mr Enjy along with Pete Pilchard are now homed back with "Mum" .I think she was happy when we showed her the viewing screen in the library so she can see what those girls are up to. Angie it seems has bought more yarn on E:Bay . We waved as we left and Henny has reported that she popped in .Doris was a bit surprised then remembered Angie loved her. They hit it off rather well in fact so Henny will be taking some of her herbal waters over next visit. The President surprised the poor woman when he went to welcome her along with "Barbie" ...I dare say she blames Angie again or as she told us "Andy Pandy" so called after a puppet show she loved .

Ahh how Moony and I love popping down to the cinema to watch the newsreels.....

2008-05-11T08:00:00.000-07:00

As Ollie and Charlie head down to the pub...

2008-05-11T05:58:00.000-07:00

Ollie "I didn't know Henny had ever posed for page three!"
Charlie "Och nay you know those paparazzi they snuck in whilst she was rehearsing for one of her masques, mind you I must say they got her best side. Think is I wish she'd stop knitting."

leaves from the diary of Mrs J.G.Nito (age unknown)

2008-04-19T05:34:00.000-07:00

As I stepped from my cottage this morning, leaving Moony slumped at the breakfast table with a copy of the Hieroglyphic times pushed into her hands. No doubt when she wakes up from her pre-breakfast mind sharpener she'll be keen to see the headline concerning falling locust prices. I considered giving Bunny his walkies but noticing him through the window digging up moles (now I know where Moonys new super soft slippers come from) I thought better of my plan. Charitable soul that I am, I'm not that charitable. Anyway where was I...Ohh yes just stepping out, into the teeth of a terrible gale. I must say the wind had picked up something terrible and I was quite pushed aback by it. It was whilst I was standing there blasted back that I saw Henny executing the most extraordinary spectacle. Umbrella open before her, feet adorned with roller skates she was quite literally windsurfing her way to the shops, as Charlie cycled behind her. They both waved Henny wobbled and then picked up speed, shooting off faster than my eyes could keep up. Poor Charlie had to cycle like a maniac to catch up with her, and once the wind was behind him ohh he flew like a veritable bird. I can't think which sort at the moment, but something proud, red and very very cold (I think perhaps the famous Grouse a bird with which I have become all to familiar since Moony took the extraordinary liberty of moving into my House in my "hour of need " (since that day I have been very cautious of saying "well I could do with a little help" such an innocent little thing to say, such awful consequences). As you might suspect though I had not come out to stand on my own doorstep, charming well kept doorstep though it is. What I had actually intended to do was get down to the green grocers I seem to be down to my last barrel of Brussels Sprouts after I held a rather nice dinner and piano party last weekend. As the vicar said as he left "First you made us all go quite mad with you playing then you made us all go quite green with your menu." Touching isn't it? I suppose he meant that he was envious of my culinary delights but of course he shouldn't be, my methods are something I don't mind sharing, especially if they bring pleasure to many. You'll be glad to know that I made it down the road and into the shop. Clearly I was not the only one who had had to overcome the weather in order to get there. Whilst I was making my careful selection of teas ( I like a subdued flavour where as Moony likes hers strong dark and powerful, she also likes her tea that way too.) Whilst perusing the many packets on offer I came across Ida and Mary stocking up on Russian caravan and herbal infusions. Somehow I ended up agreeing to come by that evening to commune in "new and powerful ways with the other side" They were being more than usually mysterious which for them is almost inconceivable and were a few people short of a seance. Ida kept swaying and squeaking that all would be revealed by new processes beyond the hitherto inexplicable realms of human imagination. Other than that I suspect that their milliner has lost what little grasp of sanity he had before, the creations that they sported were really something else, especially Mary's. So it was that as the sky darkened and with the wind showing no sign of letting up, I was to be found at my dressing table applying my make-up. I always like to put my best face forward, unlike Moony who settles for panda eyes and a wobbly gash of lipstick. The lovely picture above shows me at my dressing-table. The robe I am wearing is a souvenir of my time in China, have I really never told you about that my dears....? Ohh well some day I'm sure I will, It was before I met Woger and as you all know I am so absent minded.... Of course I had meant to go to to the Isle of Wight where I was set to inherit my great uncle Usted B. Rotherhams lovely hotel at Crumbly Cliff said to be haunted by the ghost of a particular royal whose acquaintance I have now made in better circumstances and who assures me that he wouldn't bother. A frightful flea pit he tells me.... But I digress and Moony is cranking up the car. I must slip into something appropriate and be away my dears... Of course I couldn't resist this lovely picture of my outfit (myself in the pink ladies, Moony in the yellow, its an awful colour on her but she will insist. I told her about Ida and Mary's hats so she plonked this one on and announced "No one can out do this, No one!" I rather think she is right). When we arrived at Ida and Marys house we immediately noticed the fairy lights strung at the windows and Chinese lanterns around the door, they must be awfully excited about their new breakthrough. Mrs Bagshott-Smyth was chaining her bicycle up to the fence and the Vicar and Mrs Pine-Coffin (his lovely wife) were pulling up at the curb. Henny, Charlie and Nell were milling about on the lawn. Ida threw open the door of the house for us with a loud cry of "Assssssssssshawahhaa!!!!!" A greeting she has devised all of her own and which if her mediation is to be believed has really taken of in the spirit world if not this one. In order to perform this greeting properly one must stand on one foot and waggle your eyebrows athletically before clapping ones hands above ones head and bringing them forward quickly for another louder clap, jump back and bow deeply whilst shaking hands. Its a curious greeting and since it was "revealed" to her has led to a down turn in visitors to her house. Once we had come in she led us to the drawing-room (don't know why its called that, no drawings) and seated us on the sofa, drinks were offered and hers always have a curious flavour but one feels so much better after a few sips. The lights lowered, a tinkle of little bells and then Mary appeared carrying a mystery object covered in a cloth which she placed carlfully on the coffee table. Ida produced a little gong and banged it several times whilst Mary threw scented oils over the object and crashed cymbals together. The cloth was removed to reveal.... A goldfish bowl, repleat with goldfish. Ida and Mary sat either side of it and gently tapped the glass before turning back to us. "Goldfish we have discovered through a process of unique scientific calculation and psycic examination are uniquely sensitive to the delicate vibrations of the spirits all around us. Also earwigs but they... were not viable as a psycic link. Phillip on the other hand." Here they gestured at the goldfish. "Is especially sensitive. He uses a series of bubbles on the water and coloured flags operated by mouth to relay his discoveries to Mary who relays them to me by means of matchstick pictures. This you must understand is the clearest way to understand these messages. I will then tell you his revelations in the spoken language with which you will be most familiar....It helps if you all join hands! Assssssssssshawahhaa!!!!!".

Over the next two hours we discoverd the power of Phillips gift, a new way of removing sticky lables from glass, how to peel an onion without crying, what Mrs Pine-Coffin's mother thought the results would be at ascot, where Mrs Bagshott-Smyth's aunt Augustine had hidden the fish knives and I recieved a touching message from Woger. " Leave the topiary as it was I rather like seeing it as I go past." Ohh he must be looking down. By the time we left we were edified and not a little wiser. A wonderful way to pass an evening.

Rupert Everett gets a special pass...........at........

2008-03-08T12:34:00.000-08:00

by Bramwell but that's another story and poor Brammy was wrestled to the ground by The King's Lifeguard ( i.e Prince Rupert..which he quite enjoyed). As we were having a premiere of St. Trinians we asked the landlord ( a Mr God) for a special pass for Mr Everett . We had the whole cinema decked in "Juicy Coutre" ribbon and a large set of buck teeth for donations to Mr Everett's aids work. He arrived on his bicycle from the station not the limo we'd expected but he's a bit green now ( Mrs Nito IS pleased).He was really super in person in fact Harlot fainted and Mooney made a grab that I managed to deflect in time . I explained his preferences later. He had the best seat ( the one without the fleas) and a free cone . Alas he hasn't given up the dreaded weed ( and I DO mean weed...wink, wink) so we were all very happy when we staggered out . He asked where the nearest Gay club was so we took him to the back of "The Full Moon and Lunatic ". He didn't seem very happy until Ivan and Brammy arrived and suggested he'd prefer "The Ruby Slipper" . We older ones sent them off and do you know we had the most charming thank-you letter and several copies of "Dahling are You Working?" ...what a vivid imagination!

This is how the poor man's back was after wearing ladie's court shoes during filming .Mrs Bagshot-Smyth soon straightened him up ( pardon the pun).

Arbathnot Towers.

2008-02-06T03:06:00.000-08:00

Our local lord of the Manor lives here,his darling lady wife also used to reside in this stately home,known to be one of the worlds smallest but she mysteriously vanished two years ago and now he seems to have found what we belive to be the new Mrs Arbathnot-Nut. Of course like many stately homes the Arbathnot-Nuts have

had to open to the public and as the sign out front says" For tours please enquire with the cat, ghosts are extra". The cat (Sebastapol) turned out to be a surprisingly good tour guide once he had a little golf buggy and a tape recorded history he was away. But since Sebastapol is at the vets at the moment after being hit by a tour bus he was attempting to meet on the drive way, I have taken over. One thing I must say for the Arbathnot-Nuts home one does not want to be alone there at night. I'm saying nothing bad about the ghosts not that they aren't all on the take...but still. well anyway, I'd better get on with the tour, please do not take any of the inhabitants personal effects. There is a gift shop, you will enjoy the Wars of the Roses chess set and I have five of the little pens (so funny, shaped like Mary Queen of Scots you just unscrew the head to write). Now as we enter through the great front gates, no there is nothing special about them that's just how they are listed. Isnt this a rather lovely keep not much use in a place this small but still, on we go ahh now here we come to the hallway. Isn't it special, the small table on your right was made out of the wooden legs of soldiers from the Napolionic wars I'm afraid it wobbles a bit apparently they weren't all the same height ,across the way there is a portrait of the first Lord Arbathnot-Nut there are nausea capsules available but if you have a weak heart please don't look directly at it. No, no he wasn't a looker but he was terribly ruthless.Moving on now ,on the grand staircase which you may find just grand (little joke my dears) we have some more portraits note the family nose, its a wonder they could lift their heads and the canvases will get bigger as the silly beggers kept marrying really tall women . The family maintain that this early 15th century portrait proves that they have a prior claim to Lord Cardigan's idea and a prior patent on the Marks & Spencers design. Yes it does rather clash with the cod piece and breeches but it shows a lot of inspiration. Now the stately bedroom which has sheltered Queen Elizabeth I, King James I (its believed that the bites in the matress date from that time and were almost certainly all his own work ), Cromwell (notes on world domination scrawled on the back of the bathroom door are in his handwriting), CharlesII (the stains in the corner are his), Queen Anne (after her visit a specialist bed mender had to be called in ), Queen Victoria, and King Edward VIII (the other stains). The Arbahtnot-Nuts like to maintain their privacy so we will be going back downstairs where we can observe the great hall home of many a lavish banquet and where the family entertained King Henry IX, they still find chicken bones behind the cabinets. Ahh here it is, very long table isn't it, I see lord Arbathnot-Nut has left some of his campaign leaflets on the table. He's standing as an independent on a platform of free spam for all and no taxes on himself. Now one last stop the kitchens where we will see a re-enactment of traditional breadmaking....

We thought you might like to see the W.I ladies

2008-02-05T04:38:00.000-08:00

I was going through my album in bed last night whilst Moony battened down the hatches (we've had such terrible wind here lately) and I came across this picture .I thought we'll I'll just have to pop that on. I had a little look at the back of the photo and so heres the label,reminding me of good times. "The ladies after a busy day of knitting socks for amputees". Ahh well I must go, something appears to be bubbling in my kitchen and Ido not recall putting anything on to boil, "Moony What Are You Doing!No put that... That is one of my best saucepans!What do you mean was !? Ohh goodness....Yes I can see it quite clearly for myself..."

Wassailing

2008-01-31T12:22:00.000-08:00

Well my dears apart from Wednesday being a bit of a low point in poor Charlie’s calendar –he spent the whole day mopping around the pub wearing a roll neck jumper and burst into tears when Doris the barmaid told one of the locals “you’d lose your head if it wasn’t screwed on!!!” – We’ve been having a rather lovely time here. Moony and I went on a tinsy cruise down the Nile since Christmas, we got back on the 15th of January to find a little card pushed through the door which announced in shiny red letters.

Moony licked her lips and looked enthusiastic. I could not believe that I had forgotten our annual Wassail, Mrs Bagshott-Smyth and her women’s group will never forgive me. It’s one of their pet concerns and they prepare seriously to welcome the spirit of the harvest into our orchards. I usually enjoy this quaint village tradition provided that in driving the evil spirits out of my house none of my priceless figurines suffers (you know who you are “the duke of Brunswick” and I think that’s a ludicrous title for such a little monster.) Moony was looking even more excitable but I explained to her that unless she collected up the saucepans this year I simply wouldn’t be taking her, not after the last time. When I caught her eating the toast that Ida Batwing and dear little Mary had left as an offering to the apple trees, I can scarcely describe the embarrassment I felt! I must say I felt a little naughty at having come back the day before and in such a state, I had sand in everything! But I doubt you wish to know about that. I popped across to Charlie and Henny’s house just as soon as I thought that the coast might be clear, Charlie opened the door in his little “I’ve been executed and all they gave me was this crummy apron!” umm Apron. He was in very high spirits, covered in pastry and smelt suspiciously of cider. He giggled as he explained that he’d been baking, yes my dears and I expect that he’d found it necessary to sample the contents of his famous wassail pasties (they may taste innocent my dear but they are the devil in disguise). Henny was perched by the radio laughing at some comedy or other; I think it might have been called the Goons or the Gones or something. When I came in she giggled and wiggled her legs as she turned of the dial “Ohh Mrs Nutto Ze has ziz radio progam an ze does… Umm how you zay ‘is fallon in ze vater!’ an ann and Bud and Min!!!! Is zooo vunny ! Like you and moses Moony!!! Vous like it Chillie non???” Charlie pulled a chair out for me and nodded. “Ochh Aye very like the lassies ehh!” I have no idea what they meant bless them but Henny quickly noted my newly acquired tan. “Ohh Mrs Nutto Vous has gone all like a man on zee telly… Ohh wat ze call ze tan.” I was awfully flattered of course, I'd spent quite a while out on the deck playing coits to get that darker green... I had to confess to them that I had quite forgotten about our little merry making amongst the trees and as a result I wouldn't have much to contribute to the general food and drink side of things. "Ohhh but vous must as some off our lambs wooool what Chilli pot in zee what is it called solar downstairs... Umm non Cellar..! But are ze non zee zame zing?" Frankly I wasn't at all sure that Henny had the right end of the stick or in fact any sort of clue at all. "No no Henny" I said "I dont think that wool will make any sort of substitute for a nice punch even if it is merino." Ohh my how they laughed, poor Charlie fell of his armchair laughing and didn't seem to be able to regain his composure. It turns out that what they intended me to give my guests was a spicy, bubbly, cider drink to which you just add heat. I left them with a lighter heart and a considerably lighter step after Charlie gave me a practical demonstration. I took the long way home so I could get the paper and spied Ida and Mary by the duck pond, they were dusting down Idas considerable collection of wassailing cups. They invited me to join them but I sweetly declined. Frankly Ida has explained her collection to me before and I don't belive that I've spent an odder afternoon in anyone's company. Moony was attempting to scour the cellar for any old cordials, fruit wines and preserves that we might have laid up last year, she had found a few bottles but many of them seemed suspiciously half full and Moony smelt of sloe's and damson. Still as they told me so often at my school "it's the effort that counts Juanita." or in this case it was Moonys effort that counted. We tried to get a good nights sleep but one can hear Moony's snoring so awfully through our rather thin little walls. I should say that I was up and about at a delightful hour the same can not be said for poor dear Moony. When Charlie came over with the car however she was mercifully up and dressed, so interestingly was Henny. I might add that its not interesting that Henny was dressed but what she was wearing. A dress that captured the essence of christmas tradition, or a walking Christmas tree I couldn't decide. The villagers were setting off from the town hall as usual, although the Mayor can't really come due to his health problems. Harlot stays behind to keep him "company".
The going door to door only had one little hitch we were all outside it turned out so of course there was no one to let us in. Sadly we only realised the problem after the third house we tried when Mrs Cuthbert remembered that that was her house and she'd have to go back in to let us in. And we had thought that all our neighbours had suddenly become rather impolite. Ohh well as long as we remembered to let ourselves in we were alright. Thankfully Moony and I had taken the precaution to take all our ornaments down to the basement or I shudder to think what might have happened.... We entered into the spirit of the thing banging our pots and pans (le Creuset excepted) and shouting our heads off. On the way up to Farmer Ramsbodie's farm to bless his lovely orchard, we met up with Mrs Bagshott-Smyth who had managed to array herself in an awful lot of what appeared to be plaster-of-Paris apples some terribly familiar looking curtains. I think I saw Mrs Arbathnot-Nut donate them to the charity shop only last month, not of course that I said anything she can be terrible sensitive. But as she will always tell you she is sensitive to so much more than the rest of us, i'm not so sure about that. She does not know that we find her performance art deeply boring, in fact I noticed that several people turned back muttering "Remember that Winter thing? Never again!" Ahh well I'm a girl who will just hang on in there as our G.I's like to say. We got up to the apple Orchard and discovered Farmer Ramsbodies and his mysteriously fluffy wife sitting on a set of deckchairs with what I might call the worlds largest barrel of Cider. Moony kept very close to it even talking about Mrs Ramsbodies knitting so as to be close to it (that dear lady never runs out of yarns but I've never seen her in the yarn shop how odd?). The rest of us got to work, singing the songs our grandparents taught us, sadly my grangdma only taught me to sing "Iwish I'd looked after my teeth". So I am always at a disadvantage.

2007-12-25T02:43:00.000-08:00

A Merry Christmas my dear, as we pull our crackers and sip our Mulled wine were all thinking of you. So I thought that I'd include this Photo of Cutting Sprout at Christmas. I'll be back once the Christmas mayhem subdues itself to tell you how we got on this year but for now I think we may have carolers at the so toddle pip.... Ding Dong verily the sky is riven with angels singing......Glooooria

somewhere over the rainbow....

2007-11-26T11:56:00.000-08:00

Feeling full of the spirit of Christmas this week Moony and I decided that our rather unusual family deserved a little treat before it all became a little bit too hectic round at our charming little abode. So it seemed heaven sent when I spotted an advertisement for a screening of "The Wizard of Oz" at Cutting Sprouts' very lovely little cinema, The Cutting Empire. I rang at once and had a lovely little chat with Miss Robins who works at the ticket office. She and I went to school together and what lovely anecdotes we have to share, about the old days and local gossip of course..... Anyway this particular film has always been one of my little Bramwell's Favourite films (I remember when we first took him to see it, he carried around that little toy dog for days), I was sure too that we could easily take along Neff and Arknatun, maybe even Henny and Charlie? I'm not sure why I was quite so optimistic, I really can't imagine what I must have been thinking. Taking Neff out is always a nightmare as you might be able to imagine. My that woman can complain, "It was never like this when I was Queen of Egypt", "I'll have you know young man that I am a Goddess!". Ohhh well I had every hope in the world that it would all go well, and so bright and early on Saturday morning I warmed up the car, locked Bunny in the basement (its for the best and it saves the sofa cushions) and propped Moony on the backseat in as merry a Christmas posture as possible under the circumstances (i.e she was asleep). At least Bramwell was happy to see me, dressed in a fetching blue gingham suit he had made himself. But when we got to Neff, ohh my I was in for a struggle, admittedly she was sitting on a deckchair on the lawn with her handbag next to the topiary version of herself. But her face was foul (well fouler than usual) and she was still wearing her fluffy pink marabou slippers. She got up with a martyred air and flung open the back seat door. She got in with a groan and announced rather harshly "I've seen it, it's a dreadful film." I saw Bramwells eyes narrow and decide that now was the time for us all to enjoy a little Christmas singalong, I burst into a round of "Jingle Bells" and everyone but Neff joined in. Even darling Moony, though she was rather out of tune as a result of all the gin she likes to imbibe. But Neff just sat there, looking out of the window with that awful superior air, so we thought we had better go and get Moonys darling father. He and Neff separated, Ark as he likes to be called is just as mad as his charming lady wife, but he likes a spot of gardening and we all adore him. He was the one she looked to when she wanted a topiary garden of her. We found him in his kitchen whipping up a batch of his own popcorn (he is awfully strange like that). In the fridge was enough homemade confectionery to see us all the way through the film. Neff snorted with derision and muttered "Hummm He never was any use unless you wanted a

plate of pancakes......" We decided to take no notice of her. After all we usually do. Hen and Charles were waiting outside the cinema. Which was a relief and Henny helped me to drag Moony out of the car and into the lobby where she engaged a cardboard cut out of Cary Grant in a heated discussion about how to make the perfect Martini. Keeping her busy for long enough for me to buy the popcorn and get our tickets clipped. We settled down in our seats to endure Mrs Barncombe's organ playing until the adverts when she descended halfway through her own version of "There will be bluebirds over the white cliffs of Dover" looking not a little flustered and annoyed. We sat through Pearl and Deans offerings (what a dull couple they must be) and then as the rating flared up I felt something fluffy and odd land on my lap. I almost screamed but just in time I looked down and realised that it was little Muffy. Now dogs are not allowed in the cinema but I know she's always been a bit of a film buff so we often sneak her in (also she adores popcorn). I carry a little headscarf and some sunglasses to disguise her with (when she wears them she looks just like Grace Kelly). Pretty quickly into the film Neff began to snore and Bramwell gave her that little look of his. It must have worried Moony as she stuffed a pair of old tights from her handbag (I do not know why she carries some of the things she does) into Neffs mouth... The snoring stopped but I hoped that no one would look to closely at our little gathering. The film was a sucsess for an outing of ours which is a surprise. Bramwell was crying when we got up to leave you know. Hes so sensitive.... Poor Lamb

The children of cutting sprout take santa very seriously.

2007-11-26T11:54:00.000-08:00

Their dogged determination to make the last post gives us all cause to be cautious when we step outside. Try to post your milk cheque at your own risk my dears, I still bear the scars from my one foolish attempt to do so...... But aah bless them, meanwhile Mr Dingbat is fattening up to play a very famous festive visitor, just don't tell them that......

We wish you a merry christmas

2007-11-26T11:52:00.000-08:00

We Wish you a merry Christmas, we wish you a merry Christmas and a happy New Year........

Hallooo It's me King Charles and my lovely wife Henny(Oui C'est moi).

Piano at the vicarage

2007-11-26T11:49:00.000-08:00

Mrs Mooney does enjoy a rectial and polishing the piano.

How to fill the villagers stockings.......

2007-11-26T11:41:00.000-08:00

Moony and I mulled over our Christmas present options this weekend outside CuttingSprouts lovely little bistro (a rather charming and chic little place with what dear Moony calls "Such darling waiters!!!"), looking at this picture I'm even less convinced than I was at the time that Mrs Moony was drinking coffee. If she was then why might I ask did she need a soda siphon? Anyway my dears I scribbled and Moony suggested. Now I dare say that she has her reasons for suggesting some of these things but I don't even dare to type their names, why might I ask would the vicar need to keep that particular part of his anatomy so warm? I had to dismiss so many of her ideas, but in the end we got down to a perfect list. And the vicar will be getting socks, you'll be glad to know (genuinely black none of this very dark blue they fob you of with). And once I'd downed my third cup of coffee Moony tipped the waiter heavily "Never try to drink water backwards, better to light a candle than curse the darkness, if you want to peel a boiled egg dip it in cold water" we left, leaving the waiter edified but looking just a wee bit mystified. We popped into Dingbat, Wobble and Fryers emporium where the gaily decorated Christmas tables are set out (its the staff their getting these days). In the window a large papier-mache Santa clause with untrustworthy eyes stared deep into the souls of a throng of elves who were skipping in the fake snow with their gaudy as a tarts boudoir Christmas gifts. A sight to warm the cockles of your heart, provided that your completely unhinged. We made our way to a hastily constructed department called "Gift Ideas" Humm, once you've got one games compendium haven't you rather got them all? We asked one of the assistants for help with Bramwells gift, he seemed to know him rather well, apparently they both frequent the "Ruby Slippers" not a pub I can say I've ever been too but it all sounds very Gay when Brammy describes it to me.... He pointed us right to the perfect gift. All beads and sequins half price and swore that even if they met again he wouldn't tell. Moony sulked which is strange when shes around a handsome young man she usually flirts horrendously when I asked her about this she sniffed and muttered "Not much point old girl, coals to Newcastle and the like" I wonder what she meant. I decided to cheer her up by finding her a little something....

If that Rupert Everett thinks his lineage is good look at this .

2007-11-24T07:43:00.000-08:00

Horus name
Kanakht Tutmesut -The strong bull, pleasing of birth

Nebti name
Neferhepusegerehtawy Wer-Ah-Amun Neb-r-Djer -One of perfect laws, who pacifies the two lands; Great of the palace of Amun; Lord of all[4]

Golden Horus name
Wetjeskhausehetepnetjeru Heqa-maat-sehetep-netjeru Wetjes-khau-itef-Re Wetjes-khau-Tjestawy-Im -Who wears crowns and pleases the gods; Ruler of Truth, who pleases the gods; Who wears the crowns of his father, Re; Who wears crowns, and binds the two lands therein
Prenomen

Nebkheperure -Lord of the forms of Re
Son of Re
Tutankhamun Hekaiunushema -Living Image of Amun, ruler of Upper Heliopolis

Mrs Mooney.

Ohh dear.....

2007-11-03T12:04:00.000-07:00

Now let me say this without to much alarm to my readers, I have always been a little unnerved when I pop into our doctors surgery and see the little sign on his door "Dr De'ath will see you now" but when I saw this poster on his Way I was even more unnerved. How might one ask did a carrot get into medical school what practical use would it be as a doctor. This one appears to have arms and legs, not to mention eyes,nose and mouth so I suppose it would be rather better disposed than an average carrot on the other hand it must have been grown near sellafield in order to develop these attributes which does not umm......bode well.

one

Cutting Sprout in autumn.

2007-11-03T11:01:00.001-07:00

As you know from reading this my correspondence with you, we at Cutting Sprout have been preparing for our harvest festival. Always a cause of great celebration in this little corner of the world where on the fringes of Cutting Sprout as I have doubtless told you before sweet little farms abound. I of course look forward to the Brussels sprout harvest, Moony woke me up only last weekend to ask me when the Gin bottle harvest is. Bless the poor lass I didn't know how to explain it to her so I told her to nip down to the kitchen and make herself some Gin and Cornflakes whilst I got a few more winks of sleep. But once she was gone I lay there and had a little think, what might people with a less discerning pallet than myself might bring along for the Vicars lovely harvest table all decorations for the church being provided by the lovely Mrs Pine-Coffin. I'm afraid they were rather messed with by some other pretentious and bossy villagers whose names I will not divulge here....But don't they think they're the cats pyjamas? I contributed a little wreath of Brussels sprouts and cornflowers. That I suspect caused ohh...Just a little pang of jealousy in the aforementioned villager ( oh okay a certain Mrs Barnstorm and her cronies).... Well as the nights got darker we brushed of our nice warm outfits (unless of course our name was Bagshott-Smyth, more from her later) and little village children went around singing "All things bright and beautiful" and "We plough the fields and scatter" until Moony remarked that they shouldn't encourage illegal land ploughing. I asked her how the little poppets might be doing this (I was at the time sowing an ear of corn suit for one of the local nursery class so that he could pop up on stage and deliver his line "I 'v grown"). Well she said "If they were ploughing those fields legally then they wouldn't have to scatter would they?" Again I didn't feel qualified to explain so I sent her across the road for "a cup of something or other" Her eyes lit up and she scurried across the road with a tumbler. I breathed a sigh of relief and got back to my sewing machine which stuck on automatic had put an unusual pattern into a tomato costume and I had to unpick some of the worst bits. I'll say its one of those things where something gets scorched into it by the greenhouse. Moony didn't come back for a while, she'd been very much enjoying Henny and Charlie's drinks cupboard. I really hadn't meant a cup of whisky but that is what she brought back. Never Mind. We pottered along to the service on Sunday, me with a basket of garden produce and Moony with a tin of Jolly Green Giant sweetcorn which she insisted was harvest produce, just as she had the year before with a pack of sage and onion flavoured gravy. I try to say as little as possible on these occasions. It was charming, and my costumes turned out to be "rather sweet in a surreal way" as the vicar put it. And only a little misshapen. When we left the church we found little notes attached to the trees leading us to the woods, we looked at each other intrigued and then as one we followed the arrows.

Guess what we found yes Mrs Bagshott-Smyth and her women's group, a lot of very alcoholic punch and some wooden toad stools large enough to sit on. The punch helped I must say to enable us to better interpret Mrs Bagshott-Smyths "Dance of the Autumn sprites welcoming the Winter". I must say that they were graceful, bizarre and in the spirit of cutting sprout totally un-put off by the start of an early frost. But I snuck of home before anyone could ask my opinion. Call me a diplomat my dears, Henny did when she caught up with me. The two of us made our way home via every conker in the woods (Henny cant help herself picking them up and her pockets were bulging.) We talked about our families as we walked and we hummed and I imagine that the unknowing observer might have mistaken us for darling Pooh and Piglet.

The W.I and the Harvest Festival

2007-10-22T10:47:00.000-07:00

Hello my dears, I have just slipped out of the kitchen where things have been popping, bubbling and squeaking. I can hear something exploding out of its saucepan as I write this little note but I don’t dare look. Ahh dear Moony has just gone off to battle it back in… “Have Courage dear, use the broom if need be, remember it’s only a suet pudding….Its done what?! Hang on there dear I’ll be with you in a moment, I’m sorry dear reader I must just go and help poor Moony extricate herself to think she only went in their for a cup of tea…….”

Well dears I’m back, goodness me! The reason for all this baking and I know you’ve all been wondering is the upcoming W.I and very important this... The Harvest Festival. We all love a good knee’s up at Cutting Sprout, even the vicars been rather excited. As for Mrs Bagshott-Smyth she’s been putting together a little show to represent the oneness of all seasons and the primal feelings of the harvest, whatever that may mean. One sees her and her friends trudging off to the woods in the most inappropriate garb for the season, little chiffon fairy dresses and Crepe paper crowns. I tell you dears it’s rather a sight, last night as I was passing her house on my way back from the town hall meeting I took a little peak through the windows and saw them constructing a rather large set of papier mache vegetables. Mrs Bagshott-Smyth was painting a rather oddly coloured carrot. I stopped looking and hurried on, further down the road I passed Ida and Mary’s cottage come faith healing practice. They were sitting on the lawn with a pot of herbal tea debating whether if we are all dead as some people think there can be messages from the other side and if there are which other side they might be coming from. Mary was putting the finishing touches to a corn dolly that looked rather as if it wanted finishing off. It had a few little friends who sat whimsically around the teapot not looking all that out of place on Ida’s tea table. They invited me to sit with them which I did, Moony was out at the Full Moon and Lunatic and Brammy had popped into town to see a play, Blithe Spirit as it happens. Ida poured me cup of tea from herbs that she had grown herself. I could tell, it tasted weak and a little strange but it was very relaxing I have to confess. Mary asked me vaguely if I had made anything for the Harvest festival and then informed me that the harvest moon was very conducive to messages from the other side, which ever one it turned out to be. I suddenly remembered that apart from some jam and cordial I had laid down in July I really hadn’t made anything special. I assured the girls that I would be back to see if they could contact Woger, they looked at each other very oddly. I’m sure that Mary was biting her lip rather hard, I wonder why? I excused myself and made a quick run down to the village stores, returning laden with the makings of the pies, puddings and conserves with which I planned to impress the W.I. Well that was the plan at the time but as you will have noticed since then my baking all seems to have gotten a little haywire. Still I should imagine it’s still going to be twice the pudding that Harlot Harley will have mustered up.
(I am including this picture of one of my little successes. Pickled Sprouts! You'll never belive how many iv'e managed to make and I dare say that they'll go down a treat!)

I can hear Moony wrestling the strange thing into a tin now……. “Well dear if you cant find one big enough wrap it in greaseproof paper and pop it in the larder….Ohh it wont fit, well wrap it up anyhow dear….You think you can get it into the cellar well be careful those stairs haven’t been looked at in a fair few years.... Ohh dear right ladies and gentlmen I really must go now. Toddle Pip!!"

Moony has been redecorating her room.....

2007-10-21T13:11:00.000-07:00

Workmen have been going in and out and I hear them puffing and panting at all hours. Finally it seems that Moony was ready to unveil her new decor to Me I know Moony very well and I shuddered to think. It was bound to clash with my charming, carefully chosen sprigged wallpaper and fluffy green carpets. The door creaked open to reveal what I can only describe as a recently unearthed tomb crossed with a harem, and then re-decorated by a certain romantic novelist who wore pink (she claimed that she was inspired by Moony but when she heard this my little Egyptian friend snorted with laughter ). I sat down heavily in a what I assumed was just a really horrible armchair until Moony began waving her hands in the air. "That's me throne old girl its 3000 years and counting. Worth a bob at auction!!!!!" I jumped up looked at it and sighed , so just another bit of hideous ancient tat I thought. Moony suggested that I sit in one of her shocking Pink marabou armchairs. I disappeared amid a sea of feathers .You could just about see me I suspect as Moony carried right on talking "And over here we have A rather tasteful bust of my good self in pink marble crafted by an artist friend of mine . He had lovely strong arms!" A look came over her that would have made a mystic tremble. But she soon came to her senses and carried, on she talked whilst I considered the room that lay before me.

What did I think of her artistic skills, not much. A pink chandelier tinkled above our heads unfortunately casting light on the wall paintings, they are large and bright and full of people in little loincloths offering gifts to the Pharaoh. I would have said they were originals but even I know that Rolls Royce was not around in Moonys day. Her bed was covered in furs including those of what one might call imaginary animals the worlds only lavender leopard seems to have given up its life along side the powder blue ocelot, the hyacinth zebra, the pink tiger and a couple of tangerine mink. I felt a little woosy so I excused myself and hurried to my room where oddly you know I started to feel a little better. Brammy decorated my room and he did it so well dear boy. I must take him to the cinema soon to show him just how much Mummy appreciates him. I must go now and take an asprin ,thats odd I thought the workmen had finished...? One must not have collected his tools.

Moony and I are not terribly reassured by this poster...

2007-10-20T12:57:00.000-07:00

When we were passing the local railway station this morning we spotted are merry conductor Sid pasting these up. Whilst these seem to be very friendly drug addicts I'm not convinced that they can do the job how shall we say to the high standards that one comes to expect. I mentioned this to Sid who looked utterly puzzled. But Moony and I were in a hurry, rumour had it that Dingbat, Wobble and Fryer had in some lovely new green and lapis lazuli Nylons and they are such a rare colours!

Shopping In Purple Sprouting......

2007-10-09T10:47:00.000-07:00

As the cold has started to bite here Moony and I thought it high time that we popped into town to get kitted out for the winter . Well I decided and once I'd made up my mind I dragged Moony from her bed to join me she was terrible poor dear and kept dropping off in the car leaving nasty drool marks on my suede cushions . I'm much to polite to complain and mentioned neither this nor Moonys insistence on bringing Bunny. The shopping street in "Purple Sprouting" is quite lovely, lots of big Edwardian department stores. I knew we'd come to the right place as the windows were full of displays on Winter fashion. I thought it all quite charming but Moony had found a bottle of Gin in the glove compartment and was oblivious to her surroundings . I only realised this when I heard a thump behind me and turned to see Moony collapse out of the car door. After I had sorted her out and locked up the car with Bunny in it, we entered Roses department store. Moony sniffed the air but was disappointed that the faint smell of alcohol she could smell was only some mild punch in the Food hall. Still she knocked back five glasses of the stuff much to the surprise of the girl handing it out . I apologised for Moony and pushed her towards the lifts. The lifts at Roses are simply divine all upholstered in red silk and operated by a uniformed bell hops. Moony lowered the tone by trying to chat ours up and I was forced to stuff one of my gloves into her mouth when he wasn't looking. Women's fashions opened up before us a glittering mirage of fur coats and exquisite day dresses. I knew precisely what we were looking for even though Moony threw herself head first into a hatstand and stayed there making vaguely strange noises like a strangled and clinically insane parrot. I left her there I had her measurements and maybe when I came back she would be a little more sober....Maybe. First on my list was a nice warm day dress that I might wear at the Mayors winter fair where the W.I have a strong presence. Ohh every year we have our stall there selling our little Macaroons. I found a rather charming little green dirndl skirted dress with mountain flowers and edelweiss on the front and collars. I would have preferred Brussels Sprouts but there you go. And then some Green patent Mary-Janes and a lovely long midnight blue evening dress. An unusual colour for me I must admit. and then I heard a familiar voice from Women's nightwear. Only one person I know would be shouting "Do vous know ohh I ham !" I scurried towards the voice and found little Henny standing on a box, her face had gone a little red and her curls had gone stiff. Nell was trying to calm her down but she just wouldn't be silenced. Apparently they didn't think they would have anything short enough for her except for a cardigan. "Do vous zink zat ze Queen of England would goo too bod in jist a cadigan !!!!!?" I quickly took charge and dragged Henny up to Children's where she calmed down a little and picked out and armful in nighties still muttering from time to time that if she ran the world everyone would be shrunk to her size and it would all be much easier. Nell of course has a lot to buy in children's so we arranged to Meet up in the tea rooms afterwards. I went back to find Moony and a Fur coat. Ohh dear she seemed to have found one for herself, and quite a few other things besides. The coat she'd picked out was leopard and very big, not to my taste at all. It looked like she'd picked up a carpet and rolled herself in it. I shuddered to think what else she'd found and was only a fraction more horrified than I thought I'd be. A rather bizarre golden lurex two piece with bits of black marabou set my teeth on edge but she declared it "Lovely darling! A real bit of class!" I suppose that's what she'd also say about the gold fishnets she'd produced from God knows where. Something Shocking pink also peeked out from under her arm it shimmered and slivered a bit and then she unfolded it." I didn't know you were going to be on Strictly Come Dancing?" Was all I could say , she glared at me but brightened when I said Henny and Nell were waiting for us in the tearooms. She's rather fond of one of the waiters up there even though he scarpers whenever he sees her coming. So we made our way up. There are such magnificent views from the tearooms. We couldn't miss little Hen as she was standing on her chair gesturing wildly as she told Nell an anecdote about Big Charlies childhood "And of coss nezer of uz knew ohh he looked likee for sue looong." Nell giggled " Like a stewed pudding pet. You didn't ave any of them in your family?" "Non mon cher ami!!! I aze zee finnn family zee date all ze way back too..." "The first murderous bastard got lucky!!!!" Nells got a laugh on her.
Henny looked a little peeved but she has such social graces and kindly invited us to sit down. we passed a pleasant hour chatting amidst the floral arrangements and light music provided by an elderly old dear on the piano. Her feather headpiece slipped over one eye every now and then and the key changed awkwardly whilst she adjusted it. And then I remembered Bunny we'd left him in the car. We had to excuse our self of course I may have my qualms with Bunny but I don't wish him dead. Anyway Bunny was alright if a little Miffed and we made it home to Cutting sprout in time for dinner I didn't feel like cooking so we had fish & chips by the fire. I have included a picture of us in our new outfits.

Mrs Nitos Book Meme

2007-10-06T07:57:00.000-07:00

Note the powerful effect that a good book can have on me fortunately prior to his disappearance Woger was always there to catch me and offer smelling salts.

Hardcover or Softcover? Hmm hardcover dears. Somehow I just seem to mangle softcovers' so easily.... And I accidentally baked one once so now I stick to hardcover which Moony likes as she claims they look posh on the shelves.

If I were to own a bookshop it would be called? Sprouting Books.

Favourite book Quote? "Frankly My dear, I don't have a dam" From "Groans with the wind" A saga about unsafe building techniques,romance and a family of Beavers.

The Author you would most like to have lunch with? Am I cooking or are they? Ohh I'll say Charlie though I can't pronounce the title of his book...

The book you would take to a desert Island? "How to escape from a Desert Island" Of course.

I would love to invent a book gadget that? Identified the ones your most likely to enjoy in a bookshop, like a dog that fetches your papers for you but probably much more intelligent than Bunny and robotic. I'd program it to find all the books with reference to sprouts. As when I ask the young man at our local bookshop if they have any on sprouts he gives me such an odd look.

The smell of old books reminds me of? Days spent up in the attic sifting through boxes of forgotten tomes. Moony can't find me and whilst she bangs about downstairs cursing and looking for Gin I curl up with a nice old tome and one of our nice old cats on one of Moonys moth eaten old leopard fur rugs. I can get lost in a good book for hours. I can get lost for hours but that's another story.....

If I could be a lead character in a book? Cithy in "Withering Sprouts". Not that I think Scrubprecipice is all that sane but what he really needs up on those dark barren moors all the time (depressed non) is a nice woman who can tell him to stop strangling hogs to get a girls attention. I could put him right about that, especially if he looked like that Rupert Everett. And living around here there is nothing on the moors more terrifying than our own world famous beast

The most over estimated book of all time? "The Autobiography of an Egyptian Beauty " by Mrs T.A.K Moony The authors name is oddly familiar now I think of it. Anyway talk about self adoration and if the photos are anything to go by she needs a lot of air brushing to make her beautiful..... Ohh dear I've just remembered where I've seen that name before.

I hate it when a book is? Written by Mr Misery.

Wet Sunday in the guesthouse in more ways than one ...

2007-09-09T10:06:00.000-07:00

As it was tipping with rain when we woke Mooney summoned the boy who does errands and sent him off for the paper and ( alas) her cigarettes . I had a long soak in the bath and clipped my toenails whilst listening to the news from Cutting Sprout . The voice of our dear Henny read the news . It seems Mrs Bagshott-smyth has pulled her muscles and is thinking of taking a break in "Artichoke Villas" ..oh horrors.!We went down for a light breakfast , Mooney had bacon , eggs , fried bread, sausages, and cereal with a large gin. I had toast and marmalade . On the way back up to our room we heard a bellow "fine day for a game eh ladies , how's about it?" . Mooney groaned as it was the Major ( a terrible old bore who rattles on about his military days and hunting ) .We felt obliged to play at least one game of bridge which I can't understand at all . I kept feeling a large slipper playing footsie under the table . The Major winked at me several times so I told him about Woger and how he'd be back soon . Moony whispered to me that we should escape when he went to powder his nose ( it's bulbous and red from a life of whiskey drinking). We grabbed our raincoats and umbrellas. As we stepped under the porch Mooney was half drowned as the gutter cleared . The swearing was frightful. We walked along the prom. to some shelter near the cliffs where we watched several men rolling what appeared to be barrels along the sand off round the back of the caves , must be a local tradition. As dinner time came we bought some fish and chips and ate as we watched the goings on with barrels .As evening fell we strolled home chilled and tired only to be stopped by a Policeman asking if we'd seen anything suspicious . Moony said "how could we tell we come from Cutting Sprout?" . How we laughed as we drank our cocoa in bed and listened to Charlie's "Easy Listening" music show .

2007-09-08T12:42:00.000-07:00

Moony and Nitos Seaside Diary

2007-09-08T06:29:00.000-07:00

Day One
We arrived at Artichoke Villas, landlord and Landlady had our room ready but Moony swears that she caught her giving a suspicious sideways glance and muttering to her husband. She even swears she heard the words “old dear” and “rich”. Our room looks over the sea and the pier is in view which means we have our black out curtains up. The light from various seaside entertainments keeps us awake, we like to tuck in about nine or ten after the tea dances (Well I do).

Day Two
Down to breakfast promptly at seven, Moonys’ order of fried locust on toast caused mutterings amongst our fellow guests. I had to bring my own sprout jam as they never get it quite right. We then donned our sun hats and swim suits, packed our picnic basket and made our way to the beach. We had arranged to meet Charles and Henny there; they were on a day trip. Sadly they had neglected to tell us they would be bringing along the grandchildren. By the time we got there they were already covered in sand, plucking creatures from rock pools and hiding them in grandmas’ handbag (she got quite a few surprises). All we wanted was a few cocktails at the Sea View Hotel and some time to unwind under the sun with a good book.
We acted delighted to see them all of course, and things didn’t start too badly. Sadly embarrassment was to follow, the little ones expressed a desire for some rock and Moony (unusually for her) offered to take them to get some. I went back to my book “Where The Heart Leads” - but just as I was nearing the moment when we would discover if the heroine would find love with the gifted eye surgeon who was also a fantastically rich Texas oil baron after she had recovered her memory and realised that the man who called himself her brother was actually a communist spy who was looking for microfilm in her handbag - I heard wailing and screaming from the children. They ran to Gran and Grandpa carrying... beach rocks. I had to make a special trip up to the pier to buy three enormous sugar dummies. And I almost stopped talking to Moony completely.
As the little ones sucked happily away and built sand castles (each one a replica of one of Grandpas palaces), Granny went for a swim. Henny had kitted herself out in a Victorian bathing suit, still it was less glaring than Charlie’s knitted tartan trunks a gift from (no prizes for guessing ) Mary Queen Of Scots . Soon little arms waved in the air and shouts of “Aide moi!” Charlie who had his binoculars out, supposedly looking for shipping (ohh yes, those girls wouldn’t know shipping if it hit them about their poodle hair-dos) shouted “She’s drowning!” and rushed into the water, dragging Henny to dry land. Her bloomers had filled with water and dragged her down; she was hysterical wailing “No Queen of England ever drowned!” .
Charlie and the kids’ got the water out of her and Charlie soon decided that it was time to go home before another accident could happen. After they had gone we treated ourselves to a hard earned Cocktail and watched the sun go down and the pier lights come on before we returned to our hotel for a very good nights sleep.

Pub Quiz night

2007-08-10T12:11:00.000-07:00

Friday night is pub quiz night at the "Full Moon and Lunatic" and Moony and I always turn out. One day we hope to return with the prize Money, but until then its just a cracking good way to spend a Friday Evening. Our team the W.I ladies are fairly good and we take it all very seriously, Bramwell designed us a team uniform; its a fetching outfit consisting of fluffy purple jumper, pleated green skirt and little beret. Henny has also taken to bringing cheerleaders pom poms with her and really whipping up team spirit with her routines. We drive them all down and Mrs Pine-Coffin makes the sandwiches. Tonight as I fastened on my hat Mrs Bagshott-Smyth came banging in still dressed in one of her less than fetching pairs of footless tights and drooping leg warmers with some bits of twig hanging from her ponytail. After a few over theatrical stretching exercises which she calls the "Oshhhha ahh" and I call the "Ohh is that my back going" she produced from behind her back something that looked like a badly stuffed pair of tights fighting with a Guy Fawkes doll whilst he burst into merry flames atop the bonfire. "I have designed... A new MASCOT for our team. It was inspired by a ..." She paused, pulled herself up to her full height, stuck out her chest and fixed her eyes on something in the middle distance. "A Woodsprite!". Moony snorted loudly and got the hoover out as the creature was shedding glitter and leaves all over the carpet. I put on my glasses to look at it and was even more horrified. No one would get in the car with it so it had to be strapped to the roof and a shower of debris followed us to the pub. We passed Mr Dingbat walking his dog and as his eyes were drawn to the roof rack I saw a silent scream escape his lips. I knew how he felt. A crowd gathered to watch as we tried to wrestle it down and Mrs Bagshott-Smyth looked daggers at Henny as one of its arm type things came away in her hand, but we rammed it back on with some of Nells chewing gum and it held better than the rest of the thing. The pub landlord insisted that we leave it in the beer garden as he didn't want it putting of customers. He supposed that in the twilight and with a beer in its hand it might pass as one of his more eccentric regulars and not draw suspicion. We had a wonderful time, and much to our surprise and my pride at the end of the evening Bramwell as captain of his team ( The Ruby Slippers) lifted the cup and the prize money and brought us all one last round.
Late that night as Moony and I listened to the local news in bed, on our transistor radio the announcer suddenly became very serious. "Reports just in that the Beast from the Moors was spotted having a leisurely Beer outside "The Full Moon and Lunatic" Some reports even suggest that a pack of crisps were involved. All a far cry from its sheep snatching antics....! Ohh dear We'd better not say anything.

Mrs Mooney try here...

2007-08-06T00:07:00.001-07:00

http://www.angelfire.com/realm/gotha/j1/j1_1.txt

The Truth will out.

2007-08-05T08:17:00.000-07:00

Hello Dears Ida Batwing HereI feel awful about keeping the awful truth from Mrs Nito. I saw Woger as large as life right there buying stripy jimjams; I know it would shatter her heart. But I suspect that Mrs Moony of some awful duplicity. I consulted the runes about my dilemma and they spelt out to me….They spelt out …Ida you must seek the truth. So I’m off to Harlot Harley's house. And I hope she has a very convincing explanation. Maybe he was a messenger from the other side or a dream… Ohh I hope my psychic dreams are coming back. I found out all sorts of things winning lottery tickets…. That’s how I came to have this lovely extension

Summer Sales

2007-08-02T03:49:00.000-07:00

Today heralds the start of the Dingbat Wobble and Fryer summer sale so Moony and I popped down. As we’ve been to a number of these over the years we came prepared (knee pads, cycle helmets, tennis rackets). A large crowd had formed outside, Charles and Ollie were rather energetically jogging on the spot and Ida was trying unsuccessfully to read Mr Misery’s future. I could see Mrs Dingbat peaking round the corner of one of her displays, a jaunty pile of rocking chairs and tangerine coloured cushions all with sale stickers sellotaped on, they might be for sale but I couldn’t see the cushions selling. After a half hours wait Mr Fryer swung the doors open and we all made a mad dash inside. Little Henny disappeared underfoot, only her plaintiff cries could be heard and it was some time before she was discovered clutching onto Mrs Arbathnot-nuts leg in ladies clothing. She looked bedraggled but otherwise fine and I’m sure she was as pleased as Charlie was about his sale finds (a lovely pair of pale blue trainers, five pairs of bright red silk boxer shorts and a charming pair of plaster king Charles spaniels for the mantelpiece) at least I’m sure that’s what that look on her face meant. I had come for some new Kilner jars as Moony had made a terrible mess the day before when she was looking for one of her knoptic jars. The vital one that contained her lungs. The long and the short of it is that we now need a new home for them and some new pickled cabbage. On the bright side a Miss Ada Fenchurch of the British museum was surprised to find a recently super glued but 100 percent authentic knoptic jar from the tomb of Tutankhamen on EBay (buy it now price of £2.50, we wanted it off our hands) . I bumped into Ida Batwing in the homes and interiors department looking for a new set of table cloths, preferably black and fringed, for that Gypsy-psychic look she does so well. She clasped my arm and announced in hushed tones “Woger is in… is in …is in” sadly Moony chose that juncture to have a small coughing fit and whatever Ida was about to say sounded for all the world like “Woger is in Men’s night wear” . When I asked her to explain she was gone, off in a trance that led her over to some particularly heavy chenille curtains. I went in search of some nice green yarn to knit myself a winter cardigan; I see something tastefully draped, frilly lace cuffs and bobbles that look a little like Brussels sprouts, maybe a bow closure. Mr Misery was at the wool department counter enquiring if they had any knittable steel wool, in black for a vest his wife was making him. The assistant’s hair almost stood on end, until she convinced him that Daria might be just as uncomfortable. But he saw the bright vivid colours and after an apoplectic fit passed out. It must be hard having that little fun. When he came round she offered to order him some Habu steel wool and he almost smiled until he realised he had taken a vow against such heathen expressions of joy grabbed the stapler and fixed his expression of joyless sobriety back in place. When he found out about this Dr De-ath took him to hospital to have them removed. I found something just right with a nice bobbly texture and a lot of yardage always a plus for an economical lady like myself. I tracked Moony back down in lingerie; she has rather vulgar taste and was buying a pair of marabou trimmed leopard print devore pyjamas with diamante buttons. I tried not to say anything but really, they were rather over the top. Henny emerged from one of the fitting rooms to ask my opinion on a new girdle, they all seemed to be designed for a much taller woman than her and she has to have a special order of extra, extra smaller else they start at her neck and end at her knees. We were all delightfully pleased with our buys and Henny invited us and Ida & Mary back to her house for tea, as we left we passed Charlie’s Grandma Mary Q.O.S in crafts. Ear trumpet in place, buying a tapestry kit of... herself .Henny groaned “Zats probably vat ve vill be gotting far Chrismouse

That Rupert Everett has upset our Holly.....

2007-07-24T00:43:00.000-07:00

Mooney and I are out for blood . I am starting to see red ! Anyhow I popped over the Henny's house to discuss the problem and how we could cheer her up. As I was rattling on about "upper-class swine" I noticed tears welling up in dear Henny's eyes. "I am zo zorry mon cher , I shall pok and lov ". It was a while before I realised I was talking to a dead Queen of England , daughter of France , Medici etc. I had to apologise too , we chatted about how well we got on despite my parents being campesinos who once picked sprouts for a living. Henny "tactfully" said that I could never understand what it was to be beautiful but that it is not all good. "I never noed if poople zey lofed me for myzelf or my tittttle " . I could see the problem for a brief moment then tactlessly said "but Henny dear I didn't think anyone in England liked you at all" . This brought on floods of tears and I had to apologise . "Well she said , it waz noot becoz of my 'ats zat zey ated moi eh" "When you are royale ze iediotts wil fellow vous whatefer vous wheras . I only ad to chunge me air-stile and zome twat would copy it . Dying ze air brun becomed ze zing to do , trying to be ze tinnnny pezon was ard for zome but most amuzing to witch. I could ave vorn a piggie on me ead and zey would ave zaid it waz ze beautie zing .At this Henny cackled , she had so many respiratory illnesses before she died poor love. "I wil tak to ze olly wan she waks oop , zey are not zo keen on yoo when ze cards zey are doon , zat is ow ze fashinably ppes was , I was onllle poplar gain whan Charlie 2 was retorred..zer ..figh !

The mast is erected !

2007-07-09T03:30:00.000-07:00

This weekend Moony and I zipped down to the opening of the new radio mast. The Vicar had tried to find a celebrity willing to come to our village but alas he was disappointed apparently they were all off at some sort of concert, so we had to settle for Lord & Lady Arbathnot-Nut. So now wer’e on air, the first broadcast is transcribed below. (Henny was so wonderful stepping in to read the news at the last moment)

Dum de dumm dumm, dumm de dum dumm de de dummm

“Welcome dears it’s exactly 9.00 of the clock and you must be listening to Cutting Sprout F.M. If you weren’t you wouldn’t be able to hear me of course. I’m your vicar the right Rev Pine-Coffin and it is my great pleasure to hand you over to Mrs H. Stuart at the news desk.”
“Allo tis moi Henny I am spocking to vous today about ze news. Sittings of a mysterious creature on ze moors which is very fritning ave increased so stay in and hid under ze bed.
New reports in zat ze Harlot Harley she as larddered her Stockings on ze zay to ze shop, I do not zink it was un accident!
Charles Stuarlt he remains the handsomest man en cotting sprout by mills.
Ze Vicar he is planting ze fresh flowers in his boders, so I have some competition for moi planting scum I see. No No fear Henny vill vin ze vallage show with moi begonias .Sinnin orf ,ave ze good-dayz.

Fathers Day and the mast goes up....

2007-06-17T04:34:00.000-07:00

Since our little fun run work has gone ahead on the radio mast and we hope that along with the new Radio Cutting Building we will be broadcasting live in less than a month. Its a thrilling prospect. But back to today, its Fathers day in the village as it is in the wider world. As we have no fathers in our little abode Mooney and I peeked at what Charlie was getting through the window. We heard many delighted exclamations of joy and then Charlie came out with James trundling a strange looking machine. They set it up on the front lawn and turned it on I noticed that Charlie was carrying a tennis racket he stood well back and a ball shot out which he whacked straight back and it was hoovered in again. He seemed delighted we were puzzled as he toasted it with Lizzy and a bottle of Bells. Henny came tottering across the road pushing their little toddler Ann in her buggy (When she died she decided that she'd like to stay three forever.) , just as a huge delivery van parked up outside their house and heaved out huge packages into James arms. Henny sighed, as He and Charlie began to drag them into the house. She banged vigorously on the door and we let her in, she squeaked exasperatedly "Zat is James Fithers daa Pesants arriving He always as a lot of zem. I can noot gooo rind Bug Chillies house as he as even moor of zem." After we'd had a cup of tea and a little gossip, the four of us went for a stroll round the village. Delivery vans were parked end to end outside Big Charlies house when we walked past and he was admiring a shipment of "father of the year " mugs whilst Nell unwrapped framed finger paintings', we waved and hurried on. In the middle of the village green we bumped into Mr Misery. Well actually seeing him we avoided the village green, He was screaming fit to burst and jumping up and down on a pile of burning National trust tea towels. Commemorative plates were smashed against the pub wall. Henny picked up one of the larger shards and recognized herself. She passed it on to us with a sage little nod. At the top it said in gold lettering A Royal Wedding and little paintings of Henny and Charlie surrounded with roses. I heard Mr Misery screaming "Is this some sort of joke! They've only been and gone an brought me the whole papist shop......." It transpires that his children who are not especially clever had gone to Windsor and brought him one of everything in the gift shop. Ann scoped up a beefeater teddy bear that was only lightly singed and cuddled it lovingly, he looked like he needed rescuing so we pushed on. Henny found a dolly of herself which amused her and popped it in her handbag. "I Vill show Chillie." As we walked along Henny told us that Rupert's daughter was withholding her Fathers Day gift until she had a sensible name and Ruperta just wasn't what she was hoping for. We got back just as James I, Charlies dad came shuffling down the road in his carpet slippers. We ducked behind a bush but he'd spotted Hen and toddled over to hug her. I'm afraid that must of what he says is a spluttered mess but we caught the gist he'd come to thank Charlie for his fathers day present. A joke Book. "Made me laugh till I exploded !" The thought was ominous so we hurdled into our garden quickly and trimmed that darned topiary hedge we'd been meaning to get too. We found out later that Cromie had popped in with his gift a bejewelled sweat band.humm and he's not in love with gowns and glory. My foot.......

Charity begins at the sports wear shop...Part two

2007-05-07T08:05:00.000-07:00

Moony trained as hard as she ever does (Sleeping in the wheelbarrow with a newspaper on her head) meanwhile I did what I did best baked some little round tartlets with running shoes iced on. One look and I'm sure the competitors would be spurred on. Finally the day dawned, amazingly clear Sky's the kind of weather the Reverend Pine-Coffin always enjoys heartily, by the time we got to the village green he and Mrs Pine-Coffin were sitting in a little tent with a thermos flask of tea and some rather moist little cucumber sandwiches . I huddled up with them and waited for everyone to arrive and line up. I was rather pleased to notice that everyone had entered into the spirit of the thing , even Mr Misery had donned a lovely new black tracksuit which he was proud to tell us all wasn't just black but "A new kind of black made from all the blackest things on earth. Coal, really dark raisins, tar, carbon black and oil. Cromwell would approve! " Cromwell who had come along stiffled a giggle as he went past in his orange and black strippy sequinned all in one. But I'm very polite so I just smiled and nodded. Harlot predictably was wearing less material than some of my flannels tighter than an elastic band, I was not impressed but suddenly Moony felt overdressed, she had finally convinced James to push her wheelbarrow which he saw as "Fun penance". Still at least they made good time unlike Harlot who spent her time leaning of fences chatting to Charlie II, she only returned to running if she saw Nell who had come as an orange "Its novel innit ! " Henny has much shorter legs than the rest of us so she was exempt from the running and kept to the village hall "I will mock sandwitches and tea in the big earn". I had decorated my little truck with Bramwells help, swags of purple roses and bows which looked rather delightful. Mrs Pine-Coffin would drive and Bramwell would play the piano whilst I sang and Ida told people their fortunes. The vicar fired his starting gun and we whipped round the green, past the President whose health prevented him from running but I noticed not from enjoying the sun and snacks outside the Full Moon & Lunatic, or the barmaids hospitality. I'm afraid even in our little village rivalry can ruin a pleasant sporting event and Mr Misery had to be disqualified after he tripped Charlie I up when he thought no one was looking. Oliver picked Charlie I up and helped him to the first aid stall where Henny fussed over him (she's so adorable) Oliver insisted on taking Charlie's running number and finishing the race for him. There was great surprise when a small red haired figure shot past, the President stood clapped and shouted "Come on Barbie" as this surprise entrant began to take the lead we were all very excited . Sadly we were enjoying ourselves so much that we didn't notice Mrs Bagshott-Smyth zip past in her little sports car but I saw her stop just short of the finish line and try to rush into first place. Of course we had words and she had to step aside as James came in first trundeling Mrs Moony. Charlie had started limping round the track with his cane and Henny to lean on. He came in last of course but we gave him a rossette. Oliver slapped him on the back and knocked him out cold. Moony graciously vacated her wheelbarrow into which he was dumped and we all made our way to the village hall for a little party. Eventually Charlie came round and joined in the celebrations. We'd made more than enough money to build the new radio transmitter. Radio Cutting Sprout is coming to a wireless near you very soon!

Charity begins at the sports wear shop...

2007-05-06T10:41:00.000-07:00

Three weeks ago I was hanging out certain items of Moonys on our little cloths line when I saw Charlie emerge from his cottage wearing a natty red velvet tracksuit with C.R in gold all over the back. I was surprised I hadn't really expected him to have something like that in his wardrobe. I was even more surprised when he began to stretch and jog on the spot before waving goodbye and sprinting down the lane almost colliding with our poor Postman as he wobbled by on his bicycle, Moony and I were puzzled. We sat in the front sitting room with out Coffee and knitted some more socks for the Home Guard boys many of whom are very old and cant go sitting around on damp ground without warm socks at their age. Eventually Charlie came jogging back with our new vicar who isn't really in the right sort of shape for all that running and was having great difficulty. Well when we saw that we were intrigued and nipped out to talk to them it turned out that the new vicar had organised a run to raise funds for the village to have a radio station "I have a little dream that we could reach a wider audience with a message of love and tolerance." I dare say that your not surprised that we find The Reverend Pine-Coffin much an improvement on our old vicar. Later when we popped down to Dingbat Wobble and Fryers we spotted a poster in their window, a bright print of a laughing choir boy running down the road pursued by radios, I could tell the original artwork was by the vicars wife. I have often seen her paintings and find them very umm modern. Underneath it said "RUN FOR NOT FROM THE RADIO TODAY. SIGN UP TO RUN A MERRY MILE FOR CUTTING SPROUTS OWN RADIO STATION." Moony rushed in and came out with a rather exotic combination of shorts and top bright turquoise with gold pipping she asked me if I thought she should have her initials embroidered on, from which I highly discouraged her as I thought it sounded very naff. And besides which I suspected that she wouldn't do much training . She had also brought a wheelbarrow the reason for which I couldn't guess until she informed me that she would be completing the race as a novelty runner "I plan to be pushed in a wheelbarrow my dear, you didn't think that I was going to run !" I suspected as much. I decided that I wouldn't run, instead I would offer help and comfort along the way and then late at night I realized the role I would play, I would ride ahead on a flat bed truck singing and cheering them on. Ohh I hear Moony calling to me, I must run. More tomorrow my dears.

Looking forward to Easter....

2007-04-06T13:02:00.000-07:00

Bramwell has been crafting some lovely little Easter bonnets with tiny chicks and daffodils, they look a lot like bouquets for the dear departed Queen Mother or alternatively he makes little Wordsworths' out of peg dolls and pops little note books in their hands, which I think is very inventive. And ohh la la his own bonnet, a haze of shepherdesses and sheep, and a flowing stream, I don't know how he got it up there but there it is with a couple of paper boats. Moony wanted a spring flood on the river Nile so again lots of water. Charlie says he wont wear his as its "undignified" but I know Henny will talk him round because she thinks it is so "Bon Chic por vous!!!!". I have a little plan for the Easter egg hunt, why eggs? Why not lets say.... Brussels sprouts? So I spent quite a bit of time last night toughening up a couple fairly oval shaped Brussels and painting them with little chicks and bunnies. I have a feeling that my centres will be a surprise. I also decided that Sprouts made great apostles on the simmnel cake and made sure that each looked individual with a cheerful face and tried to make them robes but being round they just fell of so I iced them on. I think Moony was a bit sceptical, commenting that "If they had been like that they would have rolled away and stuck under chairs." I'm not put off. Lord Arbathnot is also organizing an Easter egg hunt but so far no takers which seems wise enough when one considers his history. Ivans been helping me find ingenious hiding places for my eggs and if were at a loose end we hide them under Moony who stays very still as long as there is gin and a pack of fags in the offing. Must go I think one of Charlie II lot is throwing Grannies eggs and flour about...... Goodbye for now................ "Monmouth that really will not do untie grandpa and clean those eggs of the policeman !!!!!!!!!!!"

Mrs Nito here ..

2007-04-04T01:51:00.000-07:00

a little explaination for our dear friend Marianne. You might think that our dear doctor Wittelsbach is a terrible old fraud .Sadly we have to tell you from our position in the village ( in the library) that it would appear that dear James did indeed like to wear Togas and Roman garb of all sorts. He became a penitant , walked on hot coals , whipped himself , starved himself etc . He was mocked by his brother for choosing ugly mistresses and was ultra delighted to have died on a day considered to be possibly the actual date Christ had been crucified. I think the poor Doc. has his work cut out. I suppose not too many of us go to war at the age of 8 , live in prison with daddy who is then executed ...thank-goodness Cutting Sprout has it's moments but nothing quite so awful . He is a dear boy really with a loving nature or we'd all avoid him !

Zery interezting

2007-04-01T11:07:00.000-07:00

Velcome into my zurgery, put your hat on ze coffee table (unlezz ze cause the terrible memoriez zor you) and zit down. I Dr M. Wittlesbach am von of Englanz leading psychoanalysts vich is not zaying much if you know ze British. Today however I find myzelf breaking Dr & Patient confidentiality. I know itz not my ztyle but I zpent much of ziz morning with a very damaged young man by ze name of Jamez. If he needed to talk to me zhen I need to talk to you zery much about him. James zuffers from a guilt complex zat whilst I understand its root puzzeled me, his main obzzessions zeem to be with ze zelf harming and vith ze togaz. All ze better if he can zelf harm vhilst vearing ze togaz. I didnt know vhat to zay zo I did aZ my professor taught me. I vent "Ahhh haaa Ummm Hummm ja, ja I zee." And "how did ziz impact on your relationzhipz" To vhich Jamez told me zat he was oddly drawn to ugly women, and showed me some pictures of his wifes and misstresses I could ze vat he meant I had never before zeen zuch vomen. Hiz first vife and I am not being petty veminded me of my goldfish at home vith whome I have a zery cloze and loveing relationzhip vhich I do not vish to talk about in front of company. I asked him if he thought such vomen ver a punishment for zoom zin vhich he had commited unvittingly. He began to cry about hiz father, a cause of much un-happiness amongst my patients I find and zezpected and Oedipus complex until he told me zat hiz father had been beheaded and he held himzelf rezponzible. I azked if ziz had been ze traffic accident and he replied zat it vas ze hairdresser Mr Cromwell whom he held responsible. I zondered vat kind of haircut it vas!! I never got to ze root of hiz problems I don't zhink anyvon could...

A little bet..

2007-03-30T14:27:00.000-07:00

Charlie and Ollie popped off unseen to the betting shop today. Charlie put a fiver on The Gay Cavalier to win 10-1 and Ollie on Ranter 30-1 .It turned out that Ranter got a bit of a speed up and won . Ollie generously took Charles and Henny out to lunch .Unfortunately James saw them eating and dragged Ollie out of the cafe . The local Policeman P.C Sloth had to charge James with causing an affray . His shouting "he killed my father" didn't help as his father was standing there looking embarrassed . He has tried to explain they are in Heaven now but James has issues. He had to have iodine applied to his black eye by Mrs Moony and the dentist Mr Pullum will see him tomorrow.

Henny takes advantage of her 25% off coupon.

2007-03-27T00:36:00.000-07:00

At "A Bit off the Top" to have her curls re-set.

Henny's terrible shock.

2007-03-26T05:23:00.000-07:00

Henny decided to pop off to Purple Sprouting to the organic farmer's market last Friday. She came back pale and shaking. There was a frantic knocking at our cottage door , setting Bunny off barking . She was leaning against the door post and muttering "Cromwell" . As she was choosing some fresh sprouts for me a broad Norfolk accent enquired after her health. He called her Mrs Stuart , of course. She says she turned and saw the warts and her legs gave way. Oliver caught her and asked her to have a coffee with him . She told us she just sort of followed him into the cafe. He bought her coffee and a French tart and enquired after her husband, The temptation to shout at him was over-whelming. Anyhow he started to apologise and ask her forgiveness. She swears by the end she almost accepted. It all ended with him telling her he runs a hairdresser called "A Bit off the Top" and she could have a trim anytime for free. She giggled nervously at this . We had heard there was a new hair-dresser at P.S but had no idea who ran it. She said he seemed to have his usual pudding basin , hacked-off by his Mum look. He did mention he was on remand from Singe on Styx for 300 odd years of good behaviour. He was having anger management treatment and since the lithium was a new man. He escorted her to the bus but she was still in shock and not sure how Charles would re-act . I believe he forgave his murderers on the scaffold so there might be some hope.
Today Ollie turned up with a hoe at the cottage explaining he had to do 500 years community work at their house. Charles set him to paint the outside windows and settled down with his paper and some chocolate digestives. James popped home , saw the painter and said "hi" then realised who he was and dragged him off the ladder. Charlie rushed out telling him he must learn to forgive as Our Lord would. James said "Bugger Our Lord, I want to kill the swine" . Luckily big Charlie turned up and dragged James inside giving Ollie a small kick as he passed him. Charlie I came out with the arnica cream and Ollie said he understood , it was all part of his therapy.

Invited to the vicarage for a cosy dinner

2007-03-24T06:39:00.000-07:00

Moony and I were sitting down for breakfast yesterday when a thin black envelope rattled through the letterbox. Moony scooped it up hoping that it was a love note from an ardent admirer. If it had been it was clear he didn't have much to say for himself, but as time goes by I find that Moony's admirers have less and less to say. She tore it open and when she saw it was not what she had hoped for threw it into the scrambled eggs and went back to her corn flakes in gin. I picked it out and wiped it off, luckily it was still legible. In plain gold script it announced, "You are invited to an evening of cocktails and pleasures at the vicarage. Black tie and cocktail dress." I thought that the dress instructions seemed a bit odd but an evening at the Vicarage is always a welcome treat. Ignoring Moony who just wanted to slouch off to the "Full Moon and Lunatic" I ran across to Henny and Charlie's little cottage. They had been invited also and Henny had already thrown herself into finding the perfect outfit. The skirt seemed to be layered with peacock feathers that when she pulled a little string rose up like the plumage of those lovely mystical birds. Next to her Charlie looked a little plain in a black silk suit and peacock feather trimmed picture hat. But I actually thought he was looking forward to the party although he's much to dignified to say so. Henny offered to come along to "Dingbat Wobble and Fryers" with me and "Puk outt a noo evening goon." I of course had my heart set on something in green, so we popped up to the new Ladies attire department, where Henny flicked through the racks with me and plucked out some very daring creations. Until my eye fell on an Emerald green velvet with a silk Brussels sprout corsage the label said it was a rose but I know better, I did worry that a black tie would spoil the effect. I decided I'd better pick something Moony would like. I know how much Moony loves to reveal and dazzle. But well subtlety is my watch word, never mind that I decided whatever Moony wears Henny will well "steal the show". I found a gold lame blouse and flared skirt printed with Egyptians (how funny) all non Gin stain. The Dingbats know Moony too well.
As do I alas ,and it was no surprise when I found I had to wheel Moony to the vicarage in our trusty wheel barrow, too drunk to walk. The vicar had decked out his one tree with fairy lights which might have looked elegant if they weren't shaped like Minnie Mouse and Pluto. Mrs Vicar met us at the door with her oriental eggs which sadly we were obliged to eat as she was watching intently. Charlie, an aesthete ,had passed out after seeing the fairy lights so was spared Mrs Vicar's finger food he revived however after the first glass of "Bells" and led Henny in a tango across the lawn. Her feet didn't touch the ground. The rest of us gathered round the piano where the Vicar banged out show tunes until dinner. He kept looking at Mrs Moony and I and sighing for some reason although we were well behaved and unlike his other female guests we had remembered to wear our black ties. Thankfully dinner was laid on by The Vicars lovely Cook Mrs Dumpling and not Mrs Vicar so it was edible and of course for me she had included Brussels sprouts. Ohh but my darlings what a revelation came after dinner when the Vicar rose to propose a toast and announced " My dears I have a surprise for all of you, I know you will miss me but I am going to Africa to take up a missionary position!" Henny could be heard to whisper "Why do you have to go to Africa?" And Charlie began to laugh hysterically. I think it took the wind out of the Vicar's sails a bit. I fear the vicar may have to return if there is an uprising. The rest of the evening progressed well, Dr De-ath led us all in a chorus of for "he's a jolly good fellow". Charles got rather tipsy again and his black tie began to slip revealing a row of big stitches which Henny tried to cover up using her fur shrug when they left.

What a joy

2007-03-18T04:59:00.000-07:00

Darling Bramwell took me to his lovely little boutique and unveiled this. A daring Brussels sprout ballgown. Ooh I nearly wept with delight. It fits like a glove and even Moony thought I looked enchanting. I'll wear it to the Vicars balls!

"Steps"

2007-03-18T02:09:00.000-07:00

My goodness dear readers those "steps" turned out to be some very pretty platform shoes ! Henny was delighted as she is now the same height as Charles , Im and Milord. She does have trouble walking in them but Rupert ( just like a son to her) has invented a "Zimmer" frame for her so she cuts quite a dash ( no a crawl in fact). Lizzie, Henry , Mary , Ann etc all arrived with flowers and chocolates. Mooney's cake fooled her and she is very happy. I am about to be picked up by Bramwell in his little run-around car. I hear Boris wove his Mama a shawl , how thoughtful. I will let you know later what my surpise is .

Mother's Day here .

2007-03-18T01:59:00.000-07:00

Dear Bramwell tells me he has a surprise for me after Church , I simply can't wait. I hope things are going well at all the other house's in the village with mothers old and young. I could hear a lot of noises from Henny's this morning .Then a lot of wailing so I hope those boys of hers havn't let her down. I know James was inventing something called a "step" as Mummy is so short.
Mrs Mooney looked sad this morning as her darlings ( all at boarding school in Switzerland) really don't care. I can't say she was a great mother but even so ..well Henny has made a lovely cake for her simply soaked in gin which she had sent to Switzerland and re-posted here. I expect Helen will be boasting all around the village that she had the most wonderful flowers , cakes , books etc .
I will post again later when I find out what my surprise is ...oh dear big Charlie has just been thrown out by his dear little Papa . A shout of "If ye canna be bothered don't come here asking for sugar" followed with him. I expect his gambling debts are causing strife again or he's had another .....err baby . I doubt Henny got a thing , let's hope James arrives soon .

Hello My Dears....

2007-03-13T10:12:00.000-07:00

Well If any of you have ever wondered how Moony and I keep ourselves in Warm winter bed socks then you should have popped along to the Cutting Sprout bookshop Strange Barrows For my signing Session. Yes My dear I do scribble for a living under the alias of Dame Vadna Sprout. This year I've made it into the Mothers Day bestseller list, with a lovely little romance set against the heady backdrop of disinherited heirs on a Brussels Sprout farm, my heroine very like myself, and my hero very like Woger dream of owning their own sprout farm, much as I too did. Bramwell, so talented, designed the cover which I will be unveiling soon, so that you can all see his talent. So I found myself today popping down to Strange Barrows in a wig and dark glasses, very few people in Cutting Sprout know my secret but that doesn't stop Moony hoping for a discount. She always sulks when I ask her for the full price! I was delighted to see so many of my friends in the queue including little Henny who was rather dwarfed by the hard back edition until she collapsed under the strain and Charlie switched it for a paperback, very wise as I was afraid that she might be crushed. When she got to me she gave me a suspicious lookj and asked "Ave I Mot you beefoor !" I of course shook my head and put on the voice I always use. Vadna you see must maintain her air of mystery or people would confuse her with Edna De Boody My crime fiction writer alter ego. "I errr Noo My dear I do nooot zink zat is zery likey. I keep myself to myself to write my novelz..... Maybe you knew my huzband ze count ?" I think that I threw her of the scent as she sighed and told me. "Un for me and une far moi Grandmama in law, ze is sery picky about vat seehhh rods." Sadly I nearly ruined my good work by making the books out to her and Mary before she told me her name and had to tell her tell Hen a big fib, which I must tell my publishers about before to next bio goes to print. "My Great grandmother zee vos Zycic. Zee predicted ze revolution but no von pad any attenzion!...." Vadna you see is a good old friend of the Tzarina's'. Henny suddenly got all sympathetic and snuffled into her hanky muttering "It is sue offal when zat appensss. Booby Crumwall!" Charlie dragged her off and I finally breathed a sigh of relief. Mrs Dingbat is short sighted so she wouldn't know if I came as myself.

The triplets grandmama visited but only Charles was in....

2007-03-10T12:15:00.000-08:00

We had a lovely visit today from a charming old French woman who it appears is the triplets grandmama, sadly when she came only Charlie was in. We first spotted her stepping down from the carriage with about a million yapping puppies as we had our breakfast. We watched carefully as she huffed up their path and knocked dementedly at the door knocker. Despite the spring weather she was all bundled up in some kind of long white veil and a very chunky scarf. The rest seemed to be a mishmash of swinging crucifixes and embroidery after a while Charlie came to the door and exclaimed "Och Grannie so nice to see you". Moony and I were intrigued and so we snuck out under their hedge to listen once he had let her in. Much more prattling back and forth in French as she met Henny, Granny seems to speak the lingo. We couldn't make out much but she seems to have had her heart tattooed with Calais, now Moony and I couldn't be fonder and we have been several times on the ferry but this seems to be taking it a bit far. The Isle of Wight is very similar but Lord no one take her there if she gets that excited. Heaven only knows where she has tattooed the Lake District and other holiday spots! She seems to be called Mary and believes herself to be (rather pompous this ) "Queen of Scotland and the Isles". Mind you in this village its not so unlikely. She'd brought shortbread in a tourist tin which made her laugh "zee have doon moi, och it is sue fooony. Inover wer tatan." And you think that's Henny talking... It seems Granny is a bit French herself so what Granny says we have written in red.Very clever no? It seems also that Henny and the triplets come from some very close bloodstock ohh dear. I'm sure that if half of what Granny said was true the Vicar wouldn't have married them. No wonder they had to settle for the archbishop of Canterbury, whom ever he may be. Later we had to hide as Charlie decided that to take her out for a little walk as they left she said to him "I op zat you excuss zee scaf I have nutted it myself. I am zery caffty non! I had an acciden with moi neck." Charlie exclaimed "Snap" and rolled down his collar. We didn't get a good look but sh offered to "Nut you a mothcing one woth sooom fluffy wolllll !" Charlie didn't seem wild about the woolly scarf idea.

W.I day !

2007-03-08T11:38:00.000-08:00

We had a lovely day today at the Guild , the Vicar judged my new chocolate coated sprouts as "most unusual delicacy ". I won a little cup and a ribbon which I shall wear on my hat . Henrietta won a Ist for her Rose Petal Cake ( see her book "The Queen's Closet Opened" ). Moony sulked horribly because her pickled locusts got no-where despite her winking at the Judge our dear President . He seems to be behaving well as he ignored Harley's request to dance at our little tea. Henrietta got the honour although she had to talk to his waist. He's a bit of a history buff so amazed her with his knowledge of English history after explaining to her is from The New World. She thanked him for potatoes but he looked very cross and shouted "Is that meant to be funny"? . We are still a little puzzled and she keeps sobbing. Charles is plucking up the courage to confront him. He drove off in a huff , well that's what Henny tells me although I thought he had a limousine .
We took Henny home and James stormed over to his office where he seemed to meet with a better greeting and learnt some history himself. He told Henny never to let William and Mary visit the office but is having a bust made of himself for The President's office. He graciously paid a visit to apologise to Henny and it all got a bit messy when he told her about a famine and she popped out to the kitchen and gave him a bag of potatoes. James explained in French to his Mama who blushed and tried to take them back .The President laughed and said he'd have chips later thank-you.Now Henny is puzzled as to why he is so fond of her James .
Charles has a theory that everyone in the village is dead and in fact it is a part of Heaven , how we laughed. If that is so who is Ida getting in touch with , the living ? We had a little seance later and got a message from someone called Ted for the President and a woman called Elizabeth for Charles .Elizabeth asked him if he'd mind her putting on a public exhibition of his Van Dycks to which he said "Oh Parliament sold those off dear " . "I have most back dear she said" . Charles takes that as a sign even though he doesn't really know who she was . Moony and I have never felt so alive especially after sampling Henny's Raisin wine .

All out on the lawn looking at the sky.....

2007-03-04T05:19:00.000-08:00

The vicar had us all out on the village green last night with his trusty telescope and all our thermos flasks. Mooney and I had brought our deckchairs and picnic rugs and whilst we waited for the main event we did our impressions of the dear old Queen. I think Mooney did very well but really I suspect that she had come along only for the free drinks laid on by the Full moon and lunatic. As the moon slowly disappeared in a sheath of midnight blue and glowing silver complimented with dashing aplomb by Bramwells suit a charming creation of midnight blue silk with embroidered stars lovely disappearing moons. He'd made little Henny a dress as well which rather dazzled the eye with it's hazy navy chiffon and beading. Almost as loud as Henny herself who kept singing as loudly as her little lungs allowed "Tinkle Tinkle luttle star" Poor Milord looked in pain. It was a shame that they had brought the little ones with them as they kept shimmying up the vicars fruit tree. Mary and Ida spent much of the evening looking at the grass so I had to inquire what they were doing. Mary winked at me and announced "The dew of the full moon turned to healing oil by his power."Then she and Ida looked up and smiled beatifically. I didn't like to ask who he was but I guessed that they meant God or Thor or whom ever it is who makes healing dew. At least this explained all the bottles that Ida had brought with her. As the sky turned dark I felt the vicars hand on my shoulder... So of course I hit him with my handbag. I saw Hans at the edge of the green with a note book who would have thought that he was as interested in Lunar phenomenon as he is in planes!!!! Big Charlie was still in the bar so Milord went in to drag him out, a few minutes later he returned and told us we need not bother "aaaafff he haffff mmmettt a yyyyyyoung llllady. " Henny sighed but I think she was more pleased than disappointed. I had made some lovely pies for the event and was disappointed that no one had touched them but I was sure they would soon as the President had polished of all of Harlot Harley's little cream horns, how unseasonal. Henny must have been disappointed as well , she had made a game pasty which only Milord and the wee kiddies were eating. Mary excepted she had brought an sandwich made for her by Catherine the great from 'infinite matter'. Ooh how we gasped at the beauty of the Moon. Once the spectacle was finished we all rejoined to the Full Moon & Lunatic. Moony really enjoyed it there and of course their lovely 'Ooh where has the Moon gone' cocktail wasn't wasted on the rest of us. I couldn't help but wonder if somewhere somehow Woger was watching. Umm I must ask Mary and Ida. Ill wait they are so happy at the moment swigging their Moon dew for any ailment.....

Appeal for help from Your Vicar .

2007-03-04T01:28:00.000-08:00

Brussels Sprout crises as farmers harvest too few.

There is a grave crisis now which we must face without fear and without reserve we as a people are now facing a Brussels Sprout shortage a threat that it is only possible to be terrified of. However now is the time when we must be at our bravest and seek help in our despair. Is it to much to ask of you to be lenient with your Brussels sprouts? No but there is one thing we can do as a people we must rally around to sign our names to a petition urging our government to declare this a national emergency because there is little good in what we are facing now at its best we will have fewer Brussels Sprouts and at worst we are facing a breakdown of all of our moral, cultural, political, and social boundaries we must act now before the whole moral fibre of our age is eroded that is why I plead and implore you to go and sign the petition put your name on the exquisite hand dotted (by my wife) lines as Mrs Nito social hub of our little village has so recently done with her fair and may I say lovely hands in her beautiful handmade gloves now it is your turn to do the same. This is not to say that you can use Mrs Nito’s lovely hands to sign as she can only use them for one signature you will have to use your own hands as my fair wife did some days ago.
Remember that if you do decide to sign my petition you will later be able to tell your grandchildren all about the day you saved England from a famine.
I find I must go now I hear my wife screaming in the kitchen and I suspect she may have burnt my dinner again but to all of you who read my article and to all those who have not yet to discover the cutting sprout parish news remember if you can my words and take them to your heart.
Yours truly, the Vicar

I have been thinking.

2007-03-02T05:55:00.000-08:00

Since I met Mary and arranged to meet for the seance I have been thinking about my darling Woger. And as I struggled into the washroom I noticed his lovely gift sitting by the window. Some of Moonys gin bottles were in it but it was still a touching sight.

It took me a long time to work out how to operate it, true it was on the cutting edge of technology but.... I once tried washing Bramwell in it, the poor dear. I hope that he has forgotten the ordeal. Ohh well ....

Ida has a new friend...

2007-03-02T03:40:00.000-08:00

Since Henny and Charlie have moved in we've quite got used to new faces in the village. Still I was surprised when I popped into Ida's cottage today to deliver her a new recipe plum and sprout cake and found an odd looking young woman sitting amongst the cats by her fire place and with her tea cup suspended in mid air. I knew at once from her dress and her face that she must be one of big Charlie's kids. I didn't know why Ida had invited her round until the dear girl announced "You have seen ectoplasm underwear, I would be so delighted if you let me put it in my book. I often wonder is the ether looking for spirits to help me in my healing but I have never been able to summon up under garments." A little more enquiry and I discovered that Mary (her name, Charlie's kids seem to have such repetative names!) was a faith healer. "I could restore Grandpapa to health but he does not trust the spirits". Moony who had come with me muttered "Ohh he did at christmas, Trusted in The famous Grouse a bit too much !!!!" I gave Moony a little kick as Ida and Mary were offering to give me a free seance and table lifting. I didn't think that a table lifting sounded very special. I lift the card table whenever we have a bridge party and I am not one iota closer to the spirits. But Ida is an old friend so I agreed to let her try to lift anything she liked. I hadn't noticed Mary trying to lay hands on Moony. "I cure your problem, the love of alcohol.... Ohh it will bring you to grief ..." Of course Moony didn't want to be cured I thought that Mary was in a trance until I noticed that Moony had knocked her unconcious. I grabbed Moony, promised that we would be back for the seance in the evening and bundled out of the door whilst Ida laid hands on Mary to cure any concussion. How embarassing! Tonight I may not bring Moony.

Duke of Kendal ...

2007-03-01T04:15:00.000-08:00

Moony and I were having a lovely quiet read yesterday evening when I heard giggles again .This time a blond child was sitting in my sprout patch pulling them off the stalks . Moony stormed out and lifted the little dear by the ear ...he started to shout "I'm The Duke of kendal" at which point Moony shouted "I'm the Queen of Egypt , stick that in your pipe and smoke it" . "Dad won't let me 'ave a pipe Mrs so I knicks me uncle Charles' ". Moony stomped off to Henny's where an ashen faced Henny took the horror in . The next thing we heard was a lot of swearing in French between James and his dear Mama .Harlot Harley jogged past in her lycra and winked at James as he came out ...oh dear I can see trouble ahead for poor Henny and Im , Milord and Charles . I suppose having three Grandpas is a help at least .

Broken glass and hearts...

2007-03-01T03:45:00.000-08:00

I have recovered from the incident with the help of Moony and dear Henny . I can't tell you how shattered my nerves were dear readers , not to mention my lovely casement window. This is what happened .I rushed out of the study to find broken glass all over the living room floor. I saw a small face at the window and heard dear Charles berating some child. I crouched nervously by the window and heard "James , James , Mary , Charlotte , Charles , Catherine , Anne, Charles , Henry , Charlotte , George , Barbara , Charles , James , Charles , Mary , Elizabeth you will knock and apologise to Mrs Nito this instant !". I thought he must have James's Primary school class with him .As it turns out those are his son Charles's children ( needless to say not all one Mama). I could not bear the thought of the little "darlings" in my house so pretended I wasn't in . Shortly after a glass-fitter arrived followed by Charles very worried and banging hard on my door . I flung it open to find his face redder than normal and him apologising like a mad thing. He rushed in asking for a broom then remembered he didn't know how to use one. A loud voice shouted "Pater what have me liitle darlings done now"? In came big Charlie and made amends by tidying and teasing me in a most flirtitious manner I must say ( no wonder the girlies go for him). The next day Henny came over with flowers , chocolates and a card drawn by the beasties with very bad spelling ( it was large as there are so many of them ). Charles asked me not to tell Nelly about the incident as she had already threatened to drop Charles out of a window if he didn't get a peership ( he is The Earl of Burford).Those poor parents , what did they do to deserve it !!! James I am told has Charles , Mary , James , Anne , Charles , Edgar , Henrietta , Catherine , Catherine , Isabel , Charles , Elizabeth , Charlotte , James , Louise , Henrietta , James , Henry , Arabella , Catherine and James .My goodness no wonder Henny has that birthday chart on her wall and Mrs Cox says she thought her M.I.L had problems with her husband's brother 's 9 !

Greetings dear readers..

2007-02-28T09:49:00.000-08:00

As you know I have been a little busy so Charlie took over . I think he'll be busy for a while as I saw at least three of Young Charles' Children hanging off him at the park today.
I decided to stay at my darling Bramwell's cottage for a few days . His dear friend Boris was quite the charming host . He made fancies for tea ,served me breakfast in bed and knitted with me in the evenings. Bramwell was busy at the shop but I dropped in more than once and bought some lovely new buttons he had in for Moony.He has some enamelled Scarab buttons and a new hand-knit in Kaffe's "Papyrus" pattern for sale. I know Mrs Cox would adore that. Boris has a lovely patch of vegetables at the back but seems to think that vegetables other than sprouts should be grown. It was so lovely to sit and put up my feet without a shout of "gin" resounding in my ears all day . I did miss Moony at night so had a hot water bottle but the smell of all that embalming fluid can be quite awful . Oh , my goodness a window has been smashed ...I hear a Scottish voice shouting and giggles .....I must go and see.

Mrf Cox if out fo fhe can't edit me...

2007-02-27T05:33:00.000-08:00

I hate how fhe taketh out my "f" and puteth in "s" . It if obvioufly wong .I know my own language thanketh-you. One had to pop in to fee Mohammed today about that little lie concerning the tea-cupf . He waf very underfanding and faid that it waf none of hif bufineff at all if I had friendf. He did blush and go red , I really hope he doefn't think I would be unfaithfull to
my dear little wife . He haf a lovely wife and fhe waf an arrangement too. I think we make lovely little arrangementf. Well I might be bufy af I have promifed Charlef I'd look after the bratf .I am sure your lovely Mrf Nito will be back foon . Charles R.

The New World .

2007-02-27T00:40:00.000-08:00

I had a lovely little note from a Lady Pool this day in the Year of Our Lord 2007 ( don't tell Moony and Nito I realise we are not living in the 1940s) . Mrs Cox has shown me some wonderful pictures of a place called Maryland named after ( sniff) my beloved little wife . Then there are The Carolinas , North and South I believe . They are of course named after yours truly. If it wasn't that the place is a ..cough "Republic" I might move in .Mrs Cox ix a solid Republican but I still remain friends . In fact I am not in the least surprised she is . My "dear" Grand-daughters Mary and Ann were simply awful monarchs .As for the shock of finding out my sister provided the next line.....well I have hardly forgiven Rupert for losing Bristol to Parliament. Oh I know he is a lovely boy and tried his best but I lost my head over it .I must invite the boy over , he spent so long blaming himself for my fate .I think maybe I imposed a tax too far .Mrs Cox says the reformation just swept me away and what came after me was far worse . She is such a dear , for a republican. I do think Henrietta and I should visit this "America" .Maybe you could put us up Lady Pool ?, we only require 50 rooms , 20 servants , 10 carriages ( Limos they seem to be called). I'd stay at that beautiful building in Washington ( oh ..just like that mining town near Newcastle ). If only it wasn't occupied by a rather silly man . Mrs Cox says some very great men have lived there , a Mr Roosevelt she seems very fond of and a Mr Kennedy ( I am sure Henny would like him , a good Catholic I believe). My Palaces have had some fools in occupation , not the least some of my descendants ..er hem ). Charles Rex..."what do you mean Mrs Cox , I sound like a dog"?

Hi Hoo ladies and gentlefolk....

2007-02-25T06:16:00.000-08:00

As a religious and hard working woman I never miss a Sunday at Church. Today the vicar had decided to talk about original sin which is one of his favourite topics so a jolly time was had by all. On the way home I passed Charles looking sheepish staring out of his window. I suppose he thought that we would be cross with him for not coming to Church, but Henny has explained about his problems and we all understand. Strangely when I got home I found the house in a terrible state and Moony asleep on the floor of the wine cellar in an even worse one. Church must have heightened my connection to the other side because I was sure that I smelt Woger's tobacco all through the house. His own blend, strong shag. Strangely I even found a pair of Wolsey winter warm thermals hung over the banister rail. So like the ones I brought for Woger on the occassion of our third anniversary. I was quite touched. A little sign that all is at one in the universe from our creator Humm?

My leg is playing up so ....

2007-02-25T05:05:00.000-08:00

I couldn't go to Church this morning ( I had ricketts as a bairn and sometimes I still suffer). So Henny went off with Mrs O'Leary to the little Catholic Church at Purple Sprouting and I stayed at home. The paper was full rrrrrrrubish as usual , those Prime Ministers and other such nonsense and not enough about that nice Elizabeth. So I got my binoculars out and sat in the window. Moony ( being a Pagan ) had waved off Mrs Nito to our little churrrrrrrrrrrrrrch .It wasn't very long when Wodger arrived and I noticed the curtains upstairs were pulled ( not the only thing). Wodger left and Ahmed from the Antiques shop arrived , no scandal alas as he seemed to be collecting artifacts ( probably to pay her drinks bill). Some of those awful kids that hang about called things through our letter box "were gonna half your head off " for instance . I swear Mr. Misery puts them up to it .Shortly after I'd made myself a cuppa a knock at the door and Mrs Lockett stood there , "your little wife in then"? . I told her no and she barged past me and took a seat on the couch throwing off her coat and hitching up her skirt . "Oh I love what you've done to your 'air lovey ,red's me favourite and so soft ain't it " . Luckily I heard the key in the back-door and James came in ( having got interested in an experiment he'd forgotton Mass). I have never been so glad to see the boy. "Alright" Pa he said looking hard at the awful woman .
He told me he'd been in The Full Moon and Lunatic last week when her and some of her cronies were discussing how I was the best catch to arrive in this village for years .James chuckled and said " must have been sparse times eh pa" . I am not sure that was a compliment but then I heard that lovely "yo-hooooooo cheri c'est moi " .Henny gave me a big hug and then noticed two tea-cups . I am no good at lying but couldn't bear to have her get the wrong idea so I lied and said Mo ( as we call Mr Ahmed) had popped in ( I must warn him tomorrow).

Salutations Peasants....

2007-02-25T04:38:00.000-08:00

Hello my loyal subjects ( not YOU Cromie!), I Charles Stuart king of England, Scotland and Ireland have decided to take over Mrs Nito's site whilst she pops to the shops. Since Hen brought me a lovely pair of binoculars I have been watching her little cottage and I'm puzzled. A constant stream of men seem to come and go when she's out, and Mrs Nito must be darn daft. She says her husband left. Well he did but he didnt go very far. He lives just down the road but Hen says. "Doe nout moontion it . She does nit noo!" And another thing the daft bat thinks I'm three men. Now excuse me but how daft do you have to be to look at a picture of me from three different angles and think I'm three men. Well anyway... I finally got to see what the wee abode looked like from the inside at Christmas. Most of it seems to be a shrine to Brussels Sprouts except Moony's bedroom where I had a shifty look when I went to the loo. I don't know if I can describe what she had in there. It might turn your stomach. Anyway I've found something rather exciting at the local shop Dingbat, Wobble and Fryer . I think the lot of them are mad but there you go and they sell the weirdest stuff..... Well here's a picture of it. I brought ten of them. One for me, one for Henny and enough for the kids. So easy to get the perm I always dreamed of....

My darling baby boy....

2007-02-20T11:01:00.000-08:00

Of course there came a moment in our marriage when Woger and I decided we had to make our little family complete. I decided that we'd adopt and so we popped along to the Orpanage. For some reason we took my old friend Moony along with us despite her lack of any maternal instinct. All the way there she squawked about what little beggers her kids were and how she'd packed them straight off to boarding school. But I was not detered. When we got there I was amazed that they had no green babies but when I asked matron she gave me an odd look and then brightened. "Ohh there is a child who would be perfect for you. " Moony tells me Woger muttered "What madness " but I don't believe her. Anyway she showed us this little bundle of joy. I was smitten and although Woger said he might be a bit confused as he grew up a bear and we remained "Well I guess Human !" We brought him straight home I was delighted with the little fluffy thing and started work on a lovely nursery (see above). We had our hiccups, I was awfully dissapointed when he wouldnt live on the same diet of just Brussels Sprouts as I do. But he is my baby and where would I be without him? Well I wouldn't have a larder full of cupcakes, I wouldn't have 500 lovely doilies and I wouldn't have got to know his house mate Boris. Mostly I wouldn't be Bramwells mum, Muffy's grandma.

When Woger and I got married we decided we'd love to have a gay little honeymoon....

2007-02-19T04:56:00.000-08:00

Now when we popped into Dingbat, Wobble and Fryers we saw this Poster. Woger seemed to think this was the answer to all our problems, after all the couple in on the poster looked so glad to be there, but I was less excited. Now I'd heard that Virginia Waters was a beautiful little spot but it was the hotel to the side of the picture that I was'nt sure about, I'm sorry to say it but I don't think its very well built as the foyer seems to be collapsing in front of them. In the end we decided to go to Artichoke Villas and had a lovely time by the sea the hotel was well built and we got there by motorbike and sidecar. Moony and I always spend our summer holidays there now, I like it but Moony says its a bit dull. Still I shudder to think what that hotels bedrooms would be like....?

Loving Mothers......

2007-02-19T04:08:00.000-08:00

As you know I am a loving and devoted mother, so when I saw this on Ebay I had to have the lot. I think I explained on my friend Mrs Cox's dear website that I plan to knit little Bramwell a vest but of course Bramwells just as loving a parent and he refuses unless I make the yarn strech to some lacey, frillys for little Muffy. What a to do but ladies in times of war we make do and mend so Im helping it strech to both of my nearest and dearest with a fun and fresh little lace pattern!

New stall at the market .

2007-02-18T09:28:00.000-08:00

After our little chat with Henny we have tried to keep her spirits up .Mooney said we should take the bus to town in Purple Sprouting and buy her some new boots. Her nephew Rupert had told us she used to wear the most exquisite little red ones lined with white fur. As the bus passed our market we noticed a rather gawdy stall , I was a bit slow but Moony had the sense to shout "oh look over there " to Henny who only saw the local church spire but danger was passed.I ,on the other hand, had caught the sight of that awful Nell in a low-cut Gypsy blouse selling oranges ( well citrus friut in general ) . She was bellowing like a fish-wife as I'd expect with several snot-covered brats hanging on her arms . It was so horrible and worse Mr President's car had pulled up and he was chatting merrily with the old trout.
In town we found the perfect boots for Henny even though she takes a child's size .She was so happy and talked about the old days when she'd wear them in the evenings in those drafty old palaces .Luckily the market was closed when we came home. As we arrived at Henny's little cottage we heard cross words in a Scots voice and a deep one with a hint of German ( picked up from his dear cousin ) .Charles was arguing with Charles about having a sense of decency and morality ( wasted words there) . Big Charles stormed out , Mooney winked at him .Henny ran to little Charles and they spoke French as we shuffled our feet . Charles ( ever the gentleman) apologised and invited us to a drop of Scotch to warm us up . He is not one to share his feelings or emotions but Henny fussed over him and he did take a ginger biscuit after much pushing. I fear there will be more family arguments .

Ohh dear new villagers.....

2007-02-18T03:40:00.000-08:00

Moony and I always like to begin our day with a nice brisk walk .' No dear I think you'll find that you like to have "a nice brisk walk." I like a little trot to the FULL MOON & LUNATIC. Anyway dears just as we rounded the corner of the village village green Henny rushed up to us waving her little hands in the air. Carried on the breeze I could hear her calling out, "Musses Nuto, Musses Money stoop I wall goe wath yo. I ave tebbile nose .... My son he as cum to luve in ze vollage. Chills is furious! He as brut his stumpet wath im Nelly! I nod your holp! " Kindly samaritans that we are we could'nt begrudge her our help, and as she seemed reluctant to be seen in public, "I doughnut noo whan ze are cumming!" we all ducked into the fullmoon and Lunatic . Over a nice glass of shandy which she seemed to enjoy a little to much. Henny kept looking wistfully over the bar at the vodka bottle, But then again so did Moony. Henny poured out her difficult family story, how twisted. It seems both of her boys are in Moonys words "After any old bit of skirt going " It also seems that as a result Henny has a lot of Grandchildren. "Petite Bastars!" When I told Henny that this was a very out of date way to refer to the poor mites, it was'nt their fault after all but Henny snorted. "I don't mon zat kind. Ze are just Dedful. Anne is Ze wust ! And I am nut sur abot ze Duke Ouef Monmouth! He as ze shufftey ayes " I'm afraid that I thought that this was an awfully pretentious name for a small child and no doubt half the problem . But I'm all for family harmony so we told Henny that we'd come and see her Son with her. Moony nodded wildly and I began to doubt her motives. Henny seemed very relived, " You wall holp me sue moch. Chills he as nut spoken toe Chills for sue loooong !" I was a bit puzzeled surely its a good thing that he does not speak to himself ? I asked Henny and she looked blank for a long time and then said "noo Our son is culled Chills!" How original . Some hours later Henny burst into our little abode whilst Bramwell and I were doing our church flower arrangements. Moony had passed out on the lawn so she knew we were in. "Ze are ear !" I whipped off me pinny, Bramwell initially puzzled but after a few moments became intrigued and after wrestling Muffy into her stylish little fur trimmed coat and bonnet went to poke his aunt awake with a broom (it has to be done she can be vicious when shes drunk). It was a bit of a squash pottling down to the new council houses in our little Austin, Henny stayed well down beneath the car seats and Moony stayed slumped on Bramwells shoulder telling him he was her favourite nephew until he informed her that he was her only nephew and she burst into tears. We pulled up outside a rather nasty mock Tudor house. Children hung out of the windows and a sluttish looking woman in lycra leggings and a very low cut blouse screamed at them to. "GET IN YOU LITTLE BASTARDS !" I noticed a rather older man in odd bloomers which I thought were rather odd. I was even more surprised when he rushed at Henny and picked her up saying "Hallo Ma !" No wonder Hennys kept so quiet about her family before. Moony leered chirpily at him then passed out again over the back seat. Thank-goodness we didn't let her drive this time. The tatty looking woman introduced herself as Nelly and asked if we'd like a cup of tea. I couldnt say that we did but it seemed rude to say no. After seeing their house inside I thought Moony had taste. Everything was gold or quite clearly from certain shopping channels and I was fair scandalised by the painting of Nelly in the living room, Bramwell covered Muffys eyes. She may be a dog but she is very sensitive. The tea cups were just dreadful naff little Versailles prints. I could see why Charles, Him or Milord had'nt come to lend their support as they dare I say it, have excellent taste and excuse me but...Nelly does not. Little Henny kept blushing, everything was so appalling. I tried to talk to Charles but he seemed to only want to talk about the dog and horse races and bless me but as a lady I do not partake of such diversions. Bramwell offered to help them decorate but Nelly screeched " Ohh no love, it is decorated. Well I know your sort have such lovely taste but well you get great deals down the pound shop. Don't you find. Bramwell looked taken aback and as a mother I knew his tone when he answered. "I've never been there. " I decided then was a good time to down my tea. Well all the kids had suddenly rushed to the t.v and popped 'watch with mother' on very loud. We made our goodbyes and scapered with Henny who kept apologising. I don't blame her and maybe deep down they're quite nice but I won't be going back there in a hurry!

Cutting Sprout Museum of antiquities and oddments

2007-02-12T09:59:00.000-08:00

As assistant curator of the Cutting Sprout museum I've decided to take a little look back over our sweet little village's history. A little browsing in our gallery of notables with a guide book opened my eyes. Actually I had my eyes open already thats how I managed to get to the museum in the first place. I was rather drawn to an artists impression Sprovtikvs Desolatikvs our Roman town founder, as the guide book explained Sprovtikvs having been captivated by the humble Brassica set out to find a corner of the empire where he could fully indulge his passion for brassicas, in his new settlement of Cutting Sprout amongst the native tribe of Twa-wit he cultivated sprouts and wrote his 200,000 volume history of Brussels sprouts "Gloriovs Veg of Brussels" a text which experts seem oddly unwilling to read (silly fools, I've never been dissapointed by its contents even if volumes 376/ 490 are a little thin on recipes) . I was so taken in fact that I rushed downstairs to examine his famous temple mosaic. Never before have I seen such a hymn of art. Brussels sprout nymphs frolicked gayly in fields just for them. A lovely Brussel sprout Venus floated in the clouds above the town motto. "Ohh Brussels by the grace of the God's Nectar." Ohh glorious man! I felt quite faint with jubilation, I did'nt dare take in the Brussels arch today, just to much excitement!

Village Fete

2007-02-12T08:08:00.000-08:00

Hello my dears !
I seem to have been away for a few weeks don't I , helping out Mrs C and Holly. But never fear I'm back now and not a moment too soon. This weekend the Cutting Sprout village hall, had a grand event . The hall was the kind donation of Sir Eppingly Arbathnot-Nut in 1906. Sir Eppingly was a noted eccentric ,with many awards, who insisted his whole life on wearing a single grape pinned to his forelock. But charitable to a fault. He finnally pegged it in the giant sardin tin he had made to replace his fathers blancmange folly (blown away in the notorious "Arn't there a lot of odd things coming out of the sky tonight... Arggghhh" storm of 1899), dressed as a parrot. He has always been sorely missed, I best remember when he opened his charming house to us as a VAD training hospital. He always played patient and he and I got on rather well. Why if it had'nt been for Woger and of Course Lady Samantha Snively Arbathnot-Nut... but I dare say you don't want to hear about that. Anyway it provides a charming backdrop for the annual village fete and scout fundraiser. This year the dear boys were raising money for the church to have a hole in their roof rendering all those new roofs finally useful. Moony and I had decided that we'd raise money for a campaign to enhance awareness of Brussels sprouts in our schools." I beg pardon dear but you decided, and I don't remember agreeing"! WE DECIDED MOONY. Anyway I baked up some perfect little Dropped scones . As I understand you bake them and then drop them a perfect recipe for the careless ! Henny (a new girl to the village) became a touch over excited when we told her about the fete ,squealing "Ohh ey om gitting a noo dress four dis! Nover far I wall mac yar fate goo with a bong !" She seems to have spent much of the rest of the week in Bramwells Dress shop and her son James (now happily taken a post as Cutting Sprout's Berrywood school's Science teacher) was heard making some very odd noises in the shed. When I called on them this Friday I looked in on a very odd scene, Charles , we think it was him was dressed in sprigs of plants with dear Henny prancing around in a fairy costume. I was'nt sure what this might mean but I steeled myself and knocked the door. A minute later the post box was opened from inside and Henny squeeled "Donut lock Mrs Nutto , we are chingging ." Well I certainly did not want to look and I wish I had'nt. When she finally let us in she kept giggling although I have to say Charlie looked thunderous. It seems that Henny had'nt yet found time to bake anything for the fete, however she was very confident that. "I wall be spocially mocking u hoppy . " Whatever that may mean? Still Saturday dawned bright and sharpish, Moony and I wrapped up our baps and scones and headed for the village hall. I tried to ignore Harlot Harley and her husband Roger (where have I seen his face before?) as they pushed something large and wobbly up the hill. I know I'm a better cook than she ever will be and I should'nt have to prove it. As we unpacked we saw nothing of dear little Henny, busy? Surely not! After the vicar gave us his little speech however we began to detect the strains of These are a few of my favourite things on the viola, puzzled we turned to see Charlie looking terribly embarassed standing by the door. But before we could speak the ceiling began to emit odd whinching noises and looking up we spotted Henny as she dropped down resplendant as a shepherdess just breaking into song. To a squeeky "Rwain dwop and woses and girls in wit dresses with pink sotin wobins" Henny crashed into Harlot Harleys cake Harlot sobbed but Hennys a trooper and she pulled herself out still singing and up onto the stage where scenery ( english pastoral ) dropped into place. I was amazed and surprised. Moony however muttered "Bit naff" and oppened her bottle. I think it was sweet.

Excuse me....!

2007-02-11T06:28:00.000-08:00

Frightful mix up ladies I seem to have poor Holly's profile I'm sure she'll sort it out.

Cutting Sprout christmas post.

2007-01-14T13:45:00.000-08:00

Ernie B. Del-ivered (post man)
I am afraid that my note hear is by way of sorry apology for it seems that on the night of the 27th december I was intrusted to deliver this christmas letter from your dear correspondent Mrs Nito. However I somehow found myself in the FullMoon & Lunatic (our local pub) and in the thrall of the charming Mrs Moony. I neglected to deliver this christmas salutation but all is corrected now I hope.

Mrs Nito
21 Nutting lane
Cutting Sprout
Veggieshire.
Hello my dears'
One and all, like our dear king you will find I make my annual Christmas address unlike the king I however can not command the powers of wireless and television to address, alas. Instead now I seat myself here at my desk on this charming Boxing day, Moony has nipped out and when I took a look at her receding figure outlined so clearly against the snow she seemed to be heading in the general direction of the "Public house", so we won't be seeing her for a while and the last of the turkey has been worked into a charming recipe of my own I call it "Sprout merrily with meat" and I'm sure that mad I mean merry monarch Henry 8th wound have darn well approved wholeheartedly. Although I do not know how Moony came by a Turkey on the american army base I did not know that they travelled with native wildlife (maybe they get homesick), maybe it had had escaped from a local farm as all our neighbours had to make do with a nasty mixture of goose and goat in jelly.
I will not say that this past Christmas day was in any way, shape or form a disaster and I think you will have noticed that I am that type of resourceful lady who can seize victory from the teeth of disaster faster than you can say "sprout thank you at a dinner party". The evening of christmas eve was as ever spent at the Cutting Sprout village players nativity. It is fortunate that the local paper does not run reviews as more than one amature thespians dreams of fame would almost certainly have been shattered. Between you and I, I had no idea that Mary had any musical numbers but dear Henny seems to think there were and we must humour her (she has had such a hard life poor dear, but I am sorry to say that it seems that whichever of her husbands she brought with her fell asleep and had to be prodded by myself or rather by my umbrella.) Then we had the bliss of sherry and cocktails at the vicars and all felt rather wild with our gin slings(in Moonys case slung all over the place). Charles had to be dragged home after he began to sing Danny Boy, weep loudly and declare his un-dying love for the Vicars wife who went quite pale and began to wack him with her mothers silver tea tray more damage to him than the tray.I think DR De-ath had to be sent for but never fear paracetamol a good nights sleep sorted him out. Moony and I finally left after Lord Arbathnot suggested we play Cluedo, well we're on to you my dear! The next Morning I awoke to find a misshapen stocking at the end of my bed and a misshapen Moony at the end of it but once she'd woken up she showed me what I'd got for christmas. Well my dears I must say I was rather touched by Moonys thoughtful little gift. Some tickets for a lovely ariel tour of Belgiums Brussels sprout growing fields, a big improvement on last years gift ( big bright red wool socks full of minature Teachers whiskey bottles -all empty-). I was not impressed at the time and this year I dropped some really heavy hints about how Woger always gave me something very "now" and very special. Like a washing Machine and chocolates (pity I didn't remembered to take them out before I put on the washing, at first I thought the results were rather poor with this new technology). I gave her something I thought she could really use membership of the AA I don't think she really got the right end of the stick, when I gave it to her she remarked. "Ohh how lovely I'll never have to worry about the car breaking down again!" At the time I wondered I this might be one of her drinking "triggers" and made sympathetic noises'. I recieved such a lovely gift from my little Bramwell, why I almost cried, delicate emerald silk beaded gloves. The dear little mite! Moony unwrapped the six liter bottle of Brandy Henny left for her and staggered to her armchair to enjoy the kind of Christmas she lives for, whilst I slipped into the kitchen to prepare the turkey and more in importantly the Brussels Sprouts (Christmas is special for me, everyone has to eat Sprouts WHETHER THEY WANT TO OR NOT!) The screech of brakes roused me from my merry stuffing and horror of horrors when I looked up and beheld Neff heading for the door, Chauffer and dogs in tow. Moony took one look and went to hide in the cupboard under the stairs, I of course was left to let her and her entourage in. Perfum and ciggarette smoke hung in the air like a lead weight,Bunny (Moonys jackle actually passed out and spent several minutes twitching on the floor). Neff discovered Moony when she went to put her coat away and Moony quickly lied that she just loved reading the meter. Of course Neff didn't belive a word of it, I saw her face! She took over our spare bedroom and in a few brief minutes it was transformed into a sun temple and her records' were being played a little to loud, her poodles running a little to wild -with my carpet slippers-. Moony had dissapeared with the Chauffer and Neff was soaking in the tub when Bramwell turned up carrying dear sweet muffy, his sky terrier who showed her nasty side laying into the poodle with gusto in spite of her frilly hand made gingham Dorothy dress (I may have cheered at this point but I had every justification). I think Bramwell was a little shocked by this sudden savagery but he collected himself to whip out his meringues, from the car boot. If only Harlot Harley could have seen them, light as air unlike hers which are dare I say a little heavy and rock like. He was such a help to me laying out the table with little green napkins he'd folded to resemble Christmas trees' and I for one love the colour green. We were all a little surprised when MiLord and Henny blew in, MiLord was wearing huge dark glasses and complained about his head when he heard Neff's music but after while he and she seemed to be getting on really well something to do with juggling the pressures of being a monarch and a God. We were just pleased that Neff was kept occupied, she loves the attention of a nice young man.
Post to be continued.

To cheer Henny up we went shopping.

2006-11-14T10:59:00.000-08:00

We thought Henny should have some more modern clothes as she keeps getting her hems muddy. Moony wanted a new handbag and between you and me she is a sucker for a label ( very naff my dears) . She was sniffing around some simply awful Leopard prints ones and those "Raddled" ones that every poor soul seems to think they must have. Dear Henny thought them all "'orrible" until we took her to evening bags .She does have good taste and chose a dear little beaded one just the right size for her.I knit my own .I am not foolish enough to be taken in by a label unless it has a brussels sprout on it. We then went to chose a dress for Henny but she wanted trousers .In fact taking her back to Strangely Sprouting was a fantastic idea as the good people of the local Pakistani community sell lovely Shalwar/Kameez. Henny was desperate for several and even Moony bought some bracelets. We had tea at the transport cafe then a bus home..oh my aching feet!

Things go horribly wrong at the fitness class at the Church Hall

2006-11-14T01:57:00.000-08:00

Mrs Bagshott-Smythe runs a weekly health and fitness class at the church hall .We rarely go as Moony prefers a ciggy and a lay in an armchair and I prefer my bi-cycle.Mrs B is a terribly bossy woman but as poor Henny has curvature of the spine we must help. Harlot Harley always comes in the tightest lycra which explains why The President walks through at least ten times a session .It was so hard to persuade Henny into the communal changing room and the poor lass was terrified by Mrs B screaming "a corset ..we have no such thing here ,we are free spirits" . She then proceeded to pin her down and rip it off , Henny was bellowing " appelez un medecin" none of us is good at French except Harlot.She yelled "call a doctor, she's in agony" . Mrs B dragged her up and into the hall in her chemise and petticoats .Some soft classical music was put on and we were told to meditate Henny mumbled lots of religious stuff and Mrs B. got a whiff and stormed over . "We will have none of that superstitious nonsense here we believe in wood sprites thank-you".Luckily Henny didn't understand but asked me "are zey ze Puritans?" .I assured her that no they were Pagans and she burst into tears. Mrs B. started the movement element and noticing Henny's head turned to one side all the time roared over.Take her arms she ordered me and Moony as she dug a knee in her back and wrenched her head round to the front.The snapping noise scared us all Harlot rushed over ( she's a softie at heart) slapped Mrs B. and asKed Henny "Voulez vous une ambulance" .Henny had passed out again so Harlot and The President carried her to doctor D'eath .The President had back problems from carrying her but our wonderful doctor sorted them both out muttering about the damage done by "this new age non-sense" .

Dear little Henrietta knocked.....

2006-11-13T10:36:00.000-08:00

at my door this afternoon .I had my pink face-pack on and was feeling a fool.So Mr. Tweedie rushed out the back. Henny ( don't come it with me with all those posh names I told her right from our first meeting) was crying and her curls had flopped into wet strands of sorrow. She then told me the horrific story of her visit to Stangely Sprouting the large town that is the capital of Veggieshire . She sensibly took her little phrase book and popped into the first shop she saw. None of us had the foresight to explain to her not to go into shops with no window display in back streets. She had announced "Je veux quelque chose en cuir " and pointed at the phrase in her book. "Ah right darling said the "uncoth oaf" and went out back only to come into the shop with an S&M outfit in black leather , a whip , hand-cuffs , a black plastic balaclava. Henrietta screamed "Executioner " and fainted .The worried owner found smelling salts and when she came round she felt her neck picked up her skirts and the poor darling ran all the way along the motorway back here. Moony arrived as she was weeping and explained what the outfits were for at which she fainted again and asked for the Priest.To give him his due Father O' rushed to us on his cycle all the way from Purple Sprouting.We had removed Henny's cross as it was stopping her breathe with the weight. Her pearls had snapped and Moony was scrabbling for them. I'd count them later if I was Henny. After much comforting all round Father strapped her to his cycle to take her to the nunnery for a short rest .We will pray for her and light a candle as requested but Moony thinks with my ancestry I should sacrifice some-one on a pyramid.

The scandalous past of our little village ....

2006-11-13T04:49:00.000-08:00

Were you to pass through the great hall at Arbathnot-Nut towers your eye may be drawn to this fine photograph hanging before the staircase for this is a photograph with a shocking past my dears, a story that will rouge your cheeks faster than Moony on singles night at the Fullmoon and Lunatic

I am so tooched.

2006-11-13T02:56:00.000-08:00

Madame La Cox as ..."ow you say?" zee amis tres bon . It is so niz of dear Cherry to writ aboot mon misfortuants. I av to tell er I zink Madame Niti zinks I ad tres husbandz .I do not mind ,mabee twould ave ben a grand sing .I would mabe ave saveddd ze one at zee last .Madame Nito as sinned me op for ze lessons Anglais at ze vullage all with that niz teacher Monsieur Tweedie ..it will elp . I was just passing by zee door ( madame Cox says "Got you there " to Olly oo is tittering aboot a Polizmens from France who is ze Englishmez ..what is zis fun?

Rehearsals for the Christmas play.

2006-11-08T03:04:00.000-08:00

Despite the multitude of faiths and belief in our village it was unanimously decided by little Tommy's mother that as her baby was the cutest ever born we'd put on the nativity this year.The assembled villagers were mostly nodding off so no-one complained. The Vicar seemed pleased but his idea that we should modernise by dressing Mary as a Latin-American dancer did not go down well except with Moony who wanted the part. Little Tommy's mother made cakes all iced perfectly and swore that her little Cynthia had made the astonishing paper angel that hangs over the stage . That child screams when she sees glue so I doubt it .My Bramwell is making the costumes for the Kings. Even Harlot Harley was generous to concede the role of Mary to our new villager. We chose Mr Ahmed from the antique shop to be Joseph .I am going to be a shepherd as is Moony . Mr Dingbat will play the Innkeeper and Mrs Wobble the Innkeeper's wife.At our first rehearsal poor Mary found herself talking to Joseph's knees . We have now constructed a little remote control stagelet to move her on .Tommy's mother Helen insisted she'd given up a career as an interior decorator for her children so would design the sets. Her brief sketches are a little worrying as it would cost 25,000s just for the stable which looks like a tart's boudoir. The vicar did try to impress on her that a simple stable should not have wall-paper hand embossed by Jane Churchill. Tommy will be wearing Rachel Riley that seems a little out of keeping with the times ."Mary "screamed and raged in French when she saw the designs .Mr Ahmed had lived in Algeria so told us she called Helen a heretic and a mad-woman amongst other things. I never expected Mr. Misery to go onside with Henny but he called the whole thing a nest of Satan's vipers and stormed out tearing Helen's wallpaper as he went.The glueing is going quite well except for the ciggy burns Moony keeps making. Helen is now distraught that the shepherd's costumes don't all match ..frankly I have never seen spotted Shepherd's outfits but if she must. Her poor husband looked awful as he tried to persuade her not to sue Mr Misery as he lives in adject poverty ( well he loves it that way ..I gave him a cushion and he flung it at me) . Dear Luzbal turned up at the last minute in his hideous sports car and split his lovely red satin trousers laughing ,Moony went off to help him mend them. I went home with the most awful headache. As I passed Helen's house the light was on and they were eating fish and chips yet she swears she cooks cuisine for every meal ,rises before dawn to made breakfast bread ..ah well.

Henrietta shows us the triplets.

2006-11-07T04:40:00.000-08:00

It got a little confusing when Henrietta showed us her husband ,well that's what we thought. It seems she married triplets which is scandalous even for Cutting Sprout .I asked her their names and she said "Charles" I said that surely they couldn't all be called that so she explained that she called one of them" Milord "and the other seemed to be "Im ". I pointed to the one in grey and said "Charles?" to which she replied "Oui" .Then to the one in red "ah Milord" she giggled so I guess the one who ( ahem) wears pearl-drop earrings is "Im". I should have liked to point out to Milord that red is not good with red hair and that asymmetrical hair is all very well on New Romantics. Moony is eaten up with envy , she did have 5,897 husbands but never three at once. I wonder which one got the chop maybe it will come out. Charles has obviously hurt his thumb poor man but that sling came in handy . I think he was probably a fashion designer but then Milord could so easily have been too. I wonder if Im was quite the ticket or maybe wearing her earrings is a joke . I'd like to ask which of the children had which father but having seen them I'm not placing any bets on the eldest I can tell you .I can't wait to hear more about her life as confusing as it must be.I asked a little about personalities which led us into territory I'd rather not go .One of them seemed to have a massive ego problem and thought God had given him powers like healing . One had a stutter( poor man ) and another was terribly shy ( you'd never guess in those outfits !